


Learning to Live Again

by agrove



Series: Learning to Live Again [1]
Category: Castle
Genre: Child, Drama, F/M, Family, Fluff, Gunshot, Hope, Loss, Love, Recovery, Revenge, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-08-07 06:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 65,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7703953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agrove/pseuds/agrove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jenny's sudden death Ryan is left to raise their son Devlin on his own. Three years later when things start to become overwhelming Alexis arrives home from college offering help and hope. Can she help him learn to live again? Ryan/Alexis</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Background: Ryan is thirty years old and has a five-year-old son named Devlin who he had with Jenny. Jenny died when Devlin was two from a stroke, leaving just Ryan trying to care for their child.
> 
> Author Notes: I tried really hard to get the timeline straight on this story but if there are discrepancies I apologize. It's not set in any particular season. Also there are a few small holes in the story but just bear with me. I don't own any Castle characters.
> 
> Feedback is appreciated and happy reading!

After a long day at the precinct Ryan knocked on the door next to his apartment and smiled when an elderly Spanish woman swung it open and smiled brightly. "Hello señor Ryan." She turned and shouted into the apartment, "Chico." A small boy ran over and Ryan dropped down to hug him.

"Hey bud, ready to go home?"

The little boy nodded and the two turned to leave but paused when the woman asked, "Señor Ryan? A word?"

He nodded and gently shoved his son towards their apartment with the house key. "Yes?" he asked distractedly as he watched his little boy enter the apartment.

She clasped her hands together and bit her lip. "My son called me today and he needs some help back home. At the end of the week I will be returning to Mexico. I can no longer care for Chico."

Ryan looked shocked. "Oh, uh yeah. Alright. Is everything ok with your son?"

"Oh yes, he just needs help señor. I'm sorry it's short notice."

He waved her off, "No, its fine. Thank you for everything you've done. I couldn't have done the last few years without you."

She smiled warmly and cupped his cheek in a motherly fashion, "God watches over his children and gives them what they need. I have a feeling what you need will come along very soon señor."

Ryan smiled at her statement and nodded, "Have a good night."

Two days later Ryan sat at Castle's poker table with Beckett, Castle, and Esposito. Everyone was doing well except Ryan who seemed to be spaced out the entire evening. When he spoke his words sounded distant and he was making rookie mistakes as the game progressed.

"….. and then a teenage mutant turtle jumped off a helicopter and broke out an ice cream party," he heard Castle say.

Ryan shook his head, "They'd come from the sewer and it'd be pizza." He glared at larger man, "I'm listening to everything, I'm just preoccupied."

"With…" Esposito asked as he threw a few chips into the center of the table.

Ryan sighed and rubbed his hands up and down his face after throwing down his cards and just giving up, "Claudia, my neighbor who watches Dev, is leaving in two days and I can't find anybody I trust to watch him. I have no idea what I'm going to do."

Everyone quieted as they all racked their brains trying to come up with a solution. No one really had a lot of family that lived locally, and the family that did was too old to care for a child almost daily. Beckett opened her mouth but Ryan shook his head, "I'm not putting that on your dad but thanks. Claudia had a hard enough time trying to keep up with him, I need to find someone younger."

Castle nodded, "We'll figure something out. I can babysit until you do find someone." Seeing Ryan's expression he sat up straighter, "I know I don't do or take very many things seriously but I did raise a child and I am quite energetic. It'll at least take the pressure off finding someone within two days."

Ryan bit his lip, "I don't want you to feel like you have too. He's not super busy but he's definitely a handful."

"What five year old isn't?" Castle countered. "No stress, just think about it and let me know. I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to do it."

"Right, ok," he finally relented.

A question was eating at Castle and he hoped he wasn't overstepping a line when he finally asked it. "Ryan?"

"Hmmm?"

"Why have I never met your son, other than at the funeral? I've known you for over three years now," he asked cautiously and fought a flinch when Esposito looked up and fixed him with a hard stare.

"Beckett and I have. I see Dev quite a bit."

Ryan gently kicked Esposito in a silent warning, he appreciated his partner protecting him but he could handle himself. "After Jenny died Dev didn't do very well for a long time. I tried to limit his contact with everyone until he could even himself out more, I didn't want to force him to do things. Claudia and school helped quite a bit and he's finally back to where he should be. It's not anything personal against you."

Castle shook his head, "No, no I understand. You do what you have to for your kids, I get it." He smiled brightly, "I'm excited to finally meet him."

Two days later Ryan and Devlin stood in front of Castle's door and knocked.

The door swung open and Alexis smiled cheerily, "Hey Detective Ryan! How are you?"

He faltered for a moment at the unexpected person until he returned the smile, "Not bad. On break from college?" He was having trouble not staring at how absolutely beautiful Alexis looked. All traces of the little girl that left for college were gone and in her place was a woman with beautiful green eyes, killer smile, and long red hair.

"Actually I graduated last month. I'm home permanently now. What brings you here this morning?" It was then she realized that the man in front of her was not alone. She saw a small hand clutched in his larger one and as she peered around Ryan's legs she saw a small boy. "Who is this?"

Ryan gently nudged his son forward and placed his hands on his shoulders, "This is my son Devlin." Alexis had to stifle a gasp at how absolutely beautiful the child in front of her was. Wavy blond hair fell gently across his head and forehead and sat just above the most beautiful blue eyes. A small nose, pouty lips, and rosy cheeks sat perfect with his porcelain skin.

She smiled and bent down to his level, "Hi Devlin, I'm Alexis. It's nice to meet you."

The boy stayed quiet until Ryan gently squeezed his shoulder, "It's nice to meet you Alexis."

After she stood back up Ryan answered her question, "Castle is actually taking care of Dev while I find somebody to watch him permanently." Her eyebrows rose and she stepped aside so they could enter.

"Really?"

Castle appeared suddenly with a huge smile, "Yes really." He took in the boys appearance and shook his head, "God he's a beautiful child." Not wanting to make him uncomfortable he dropped down and grinned, "Hey Devlin, I'm Castle and we are going to have so much fun today. Let's start with pancakes and cartoons."

Devlin shifted and looked like he wanted to say yes but looked up at his dad instead. Ryan smiled encouragingly, "Its ok bud, go have fun." The boy smiled and after grasping Castle's hand followed the large man to the kitchen.

The two remaining people watched them until Alexis turned and quietly stated, "Nobody told me you had a son."

Hearing the obvious question Ryan adopted a strained expression and stuck his hands in his pockets. "Shortly after Jenny and I got married we had Dev. Three years ago she had a stroke out of the blue. It's just been me and Devlin since then."

Alexis nodded sadly, "I'm so sorry Detective, Jenny was a really special person. I only got to meet her a few times but I'll never forget her."

"Thanks." He forced away his rising emotions with a cough, "My neighbor has been taking care of Dev but she's moving so Castle said he'd babysit until I find a full time nanny."

"What about me?"

Confusion appeared on his face, "What about you?"

Realizing she was jumping ahead she smiled, "What if I watch him for you, full time?"

Ryan frowned, "You know about watching kids?"

"Well, no but I'm a really fast learner and I'd like to think I'm pretty responsible. I've been looking for a job while I take some time off and this would be perfect."

Castle, who had been listening in while he watched Devlin at the table chimed in, "Trustworthy too."

Ryan looked apprehensive so she tried to ease his fears, "If you say no it won't hurt my feelings. I'll just hang out here at the house and maybe if Dev likes me we could try it."

Ryan nodded slowly, "Alright. I have to go now though, I'm going to be late." He walked over to the table and kneeled down. "I'll see you later ok bud? You need anything you call me."

Devlin nodded happily as he stuffed another bite of chocolate chip pancake into his mouth, "Ok daddy, love you."

"I love you too and don't talk with your mouth full." He ran his fingers through the boy's hair and licked his thumb before rubbing some syrup off his cheek. "I know you already miss Claudia and that this is different but everything's going to be fine."

Castle watched with a sad smile, he knew what it was like to raise a child almost on your own. He knew how emotionally draining it could be and how difficult it was to place the most precious object in your universe in the care of someone else.

Ryan finally stood and walked to the door, Castle clapping him on the back as he led him out. "Don't worry about anything. One dad to another I will take care of him."

He relaxed slightly and smiled up at the other man, "Thanks Castle."

Many hours later Ryan knocked on the door and smiled anxiously at Castle, "How'd it go?"

Castle waved him inside and shut the door, "Why don't you see for yourself?" The two men walked to the living room where Alexis was reading quietly to Devlin who was curled up by her side listening intently. "We had a good day, very busy. Alexis thought we should get him calmed down since it's getting late though. She did really well with him today."

Ryan tilted his head as he took in the scene, "Huh. Oh, before I forget Beckett wants you to call her, she wanted your opinion about a few things with the case."

Devlin looked up at his father's voice and smiled happily, "Hi daddy."

Ryan held out his arms and the boy ran over and into his embrace. He picked him up and Castle had to stifle a laugh at how large the little boy looked in Ryan's arms, to the other mans credit though he never even blinked at the weight or size. Castle couldn't exactly remember how large Alexis was at five years old but Devlin seemed small to him, but that was also might have something to do with the fact that his parents were 5' 1" and 5' 8".

Devlin wrapped his arms around his dad's neck and buried his face in his neck, "I'm tired."

"I know we're going home." He walked to the door and turned, "Thanks for everything Castle, you too Alexis. We'll be back in the morning."


	2. Chapter 2

Early the next morning as the sun just started to emit it's natural glow across the cityscape Ryan found himself staring into the mirror having a silent one-on-one with his reflection.

His hands were wrapped around the edge of the sink as his thoughts wandered over a plethora of different topics, ranging from concern for Devlin since Claudia left all the way to who could have murdered their newest vic. Everything was jumbled in his mind but one thought stuck out and would not for the life of him go away even though he tried with everything he had to forget it.

Alexis.

With a small groan he left the bathroom and walked to his bedroom to dress, his clothes already picked out and lying on the bed. Even though he would never admit it to anyone, even under extreme duress, he had been thinking almost nonstop about her since yesterday morning. More than once at the precinct he had found himself just staring at the wall with a spaced expression as visions of silky titian hair, alabaster skin, and emerald green eyes surrounded him. As he buttoned up his light blue dress shirt he physically shook his head. This was Castle's daughter he was thinking about.

Forcing away his increasingly obscene thoughts he walked across the living room and pushed open his son's bedroom door and smiled at the small lump under the comforter. With quiet steps he carefully maneuvered around toys and Legos and dropped down on the edge of the bed.

"Time to start your day buddy."

The small lump burrowed deeper and Ryan laughed before jerking the comforter down and tickling his son. After a few minutes of hysterical giggles Dev sat up and rubbed his eyes, "Can you stay home with me today?"

He swallowed thickly as he felt his heart break. This was one of the things they didn't tell you about when you read about having kids and raising them. Everyone talks about how hard it is to go to work and leave them but they don't tell you how it never gets any easier, how every single day guilt eats at your soul when you leave your child behind. "I wish I could but I have to work. I have to pay the bills so we can keep staying in this warm apartment and eating pizza on Wednesdays nights." Ignoring the fact that his clothes were probably going to wrinkle he dropped down on the bed next to Dev and hugged him close. "Didn't you have an ok time with Castle and Alexis yesterday?"

Dev nodded, "Yeah but they're not you."

About once a month Dev had rough mornings when he felt anxiety about his dad leaving and it always was on days Ryan absolutely could not miss. Trying to stop these thoughts before they both broke down he jumped up and pulled up his son. "Come on, let's get dressed and go over to Castle's. If we leave quick enough I can hang out with you while you eat breakfast." Those were the magic words as the small blonde haired boy ran around his room getting dressed and ready for the day.

A half hour later Ryan knocked on the door to Castle's huge apartment and when the door opened to reveal the man himself Ryan couldn't help but feel slight disappointment at the fact it wasn't Alexis. "Morning."

Castle greeted them cheerily but Devlin just wandered past him and into the living room where he sat down and stared at the blank tv. Ryan sighed and looked up at Castle's questioning look. "He's not having a good morning."

"Well then we'll just have to try to change that fact," he said as he walked to the kitchen to begin breakfast.

Ryan watched him walk away and after slipping off his jacket walked over and sat down next to his son who immediately wrapped his arms around his torso. Knowing it was the only thing to make him feel better he leaned to one side and pulled out his wallet before pulling out a picture of Jenny and handing it to him. "You know you're never alone buddy, mommy's always watching you."

Small fingers grasped the picture like the most precious treasure in the world and he nodded. "I know daddy. Can I keep this today?"

"Of course you can," he whispered. This conversation was like dragging a rusty blade through his heart but when Devlin was upset pictures of Jenny or even just talking about her made him calm down. It wasn't like Ryan didn't like to think about his wife or speak about her but it had taken him so long to even begin to get over her death that every conversation was like clawing at an open wound.

"Breakfast!"

Ryan forced a smile, which took some doing and stood, "Come on I'll sit with you." When they got to the table Devlin's eyes lit up at the chocolate chocolate-chip pancakes on a plate just for him, a mountain of whipped cream and sprinkles on top. He ran over and dug in as Ryan just stood there staring at the pure sugar breakfast.

Castle saw his expression and smiled sheepishly at the other man's flat look, "Sugar makes things better."

"At least try to get something healthy in him for lunch," he said as he sat down next to his son and snaked a finger through the white fluff before bring it to his own mouth.

"Don't eat that daddy, sugar is bad for old people."

Castle burst out laughing as Ryan sat in shock before beginning to laugh, both men turning when Alexis appeared on the stairs. "That was the greatest thing I've heard in a while."

Ryan's gaze locked onto her as she descended the stairs, she was dressed casually in sleepwear and didn't have on any makeup. Her hair was thrown up messily into a bun and she stretched as a yawn escaped her. When her shirt rode up to reveal a strip of milk white skin it took everything in his power to look away and focus back on his son who was looking much happier than when they first arrived.

Alexis walked over to the table and dropped down across from Devlin and smiled in greeting. "Hey Dev, you ready for another super fantastical day?"

The little boy nodded excitedly, "Can we make a fort today like you promised?"

"Of course! I never break my promises," she said with a wink.

Ryan watched the interaction carefully between the two. Devlin seemed to be comfortable and Alexis seemed to genuinely enjoy speaking with him. Maybe it would work out if she was his full time nanny, after all he'd known her forever and she had always proved she was extremely responsible and a legitimately good person. Plus it sure wouldn't bother him to come home to her everyday.

He glanced at his watch and was surprised how long he had been there. "I have to go I'll see you tonight ok?"

Dev leaned over and hugged his dad tightly, quietly whispering, "Mommy watches you too daddy." He innocently pulled away and went back to his food leaving Ryan reeling from the sweet words.

Feeling like he was losing the battle with himself he quickly stood and walked away towards the door and his jacket, "Bye guys, see you later."

Castle frowned at the quick departure and looked at Devlin, "Is everything alright with you and your dad?"

He nodded, "We just miss mommy. Daddy gets sad when we talk about her."

Alexis took Devlin's empty plate and pointed to the living room, "Why don't you go pick out a movie to watch and we'll come in a minute?" After the small boy ran into the living room Alexis and Castle went to the kitchen where Castle leaned against the fridge with a distressed expression.

"Sometimes I forget just how much Ryan's suffering. He covers it all so well most of the time," he said quietly.

Alexis placed the dish in the sink and turned to face him, "Plus he has to keep it together for his son. I wasn't here for any of it but it must have been horrible after Jenny died."

Castle nodded, "Ryan stayed strong the entire time as far as I could see but Esposito said he and Devlin had a hard time. I guess Devlin wouldn't talk for months and Ryan almost got fired because he kept missing work to try to take care of him. When Jenny died it was like Ryan just stopped living, he just takes care of his son and works and that's his life."

Alexis stood straighter, "I think it's time we fix that."

It was just before six when a knock sounded in the apartment and Alexis jogged over to open the door. "Hey Ryan! How was work?"

He looked much better than when he left but there still seemed to be an ever present exhaustion to his stance, like the weight of the world was trying to crush him. She stepped aside to let him enter and while he slipped off his coat she looked over him. He looked good, almost the exact same as when she left. He was still lean with dark short hair and eyes so blue you could get lost in them. For once he actually had a little bit of a tan, which gave him a healthy glow and his smile was just as intoxicating as always. Truth be told she had always had a little bit of a crush on the older detective but of course hadn't ever acted on it, after all she had been a minor. Now though…

"Boring, just did paperwork all day. I mean it's not like I wish for people to drop dead but when they do the day goes by a lot quicker."

She saw him look around for his son, "He's upstairs taking a bath. Dad and him had a finger painting explosion, I think dad's more wiped out than he is."

Ryan laughed, "Nice. So I've been thinking about what you said yesterday, about you watching Dev full time. Does that offer still stand?"

"Of course, he's amazing Ryan. I'd love to hang out with him all day," she answered excitedly.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked at the stairs when he heard a loud giggle and splashing water. "You have no idea how much this helps me, thank you so much."

"You don't have to thank me. So what exactly is my job here?"

"To just focus on Dev. I need you to come over in the mornings and make sure he eats and gets to school, pick him up and feed him dinner, put him to bed if I'm running late and hang out with him on weekends if I'm working," he supplied.

She listened carefully, "And what about you? How can I help you?"

"Just focus on Dev, he's what's important," he said quietly.

Alexis wanted to argue that he mattered too, that he was allowed to ask for help and focus on himself once in a while but now wasn't the right time to bring that up. She saw his slightly anxious expression and smiled in a reassuring manner, "I'm sure Dev will be down soon Ryan."

"Kevin," he blurted out before a small blush rose on his cheeks. "You can call me Kevin. I mean, you know, since you're going to be taking care of Dev and all."

Devlin chose that moment to run down the stairs excitedly in his clothes from earlier that were now freshly washed and still warm from the dryer. "Daddy!"

Ryan dropped down and laughed at how excited he was, "You're all squeaky clean."

"Well that makes one of us," Castle said dryly from the bottom of the stairs. He was splattered with every color of the rainbow and his clothes were dripping wet.

A small laugh bubbled from Ryan before he began to laugh harder. Castle began to laugh too, the detective's laugh infectious. "Go ahead, laugh it up."

Ryan finally got a hold of himself and stood up before whipping out his phone and snapping a picture with his phone, "This one's a keeper." Still laughing softly he looked down at his son, "Come on bud, we'll get Chinese for dinner."

Devlin ran into the living room for his backpack and returned a moment later. Ryan thanked Castle again and walked to the door with Alexis following. "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow at seven."

She smiled and waved excitedly at Devlin, "Sounds good, bye Dev!" before looking to Ryan and offering a much different smile, "Bye Kevin."


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Alexis knocked on the door and when it glided open she realized she was wildly unprepared for what was in front of her. The apartment was a disaster and so was Devlin. He was half in his pjs and half dressed, his hair was a catastrophe and he was eating cheerios from his pocket. "Hey Dev, where's your dad?" she asked carefully as she entered the war zone. Blankets and pillows were strewn everywhere along with toys and a newspaper seemed to have been turned into confetti at some point.

"Here!" came a shout from behind a bedroom door. Ryan appeared a second later trying to tie his tie with one hand while carrying his gun and badge in the other. "Sorry about all this, I haven't had to get us both ready in a long time. It obviously isn't going too smoothly." He glanced around and grimaced, "I swear we're not normally this messy."

She couldn't help but laugh at his stressed expression, "I'll take your word for it. Now you get ready and let me take care of Dev alright?"

He flashed her a grateful smile before ducking back into his room after attaching his service weapon and badge. Not wasting any time she ushered Devlin to his room and picked out clothes, "You get dressed then brush your hair and I'll make breakfast ok? And throw out those cheerios in your pocket please."

Devlin nodded obediently before getting to work, only pausing when she peeked back into the room. "Why don't you tidy up your room too ok? I bet that would make daddy happy."

Now that that was taken care of she walked to the kitchen and started digging through cabinets trying to find something to make for breakfast, french toast seemed doable. Ryan appeared as she was dropping the soaked bread into the pan, "Do you have time for breakfast? I'll make you some."

He walked over with his almost empty mug to the coffee maker and poured himself another cup, "No thanks, I don't do breakfast. A full stomach and dead bodies don't mix well before noon."

She grimaced, "Yeah I bet. So I know to take Dev to school in about an hour and pick him up but is there anything else you need from me today?"

Ryan looked like he wanted to say something but was refraining. "Tell me," she said.

"Well your job is to be Dev's nanny but I could use some help with the apartment," he answered before following with a rushed, "But you don't have to."

Alexis placed the hot breakfast on a plate and set it down on the table with syrup and silverware. "Dev come and eat please." As the little boy came out dressed and hair brushed she turned to face Ryan. "I'll do whatever you need me to and don't be embarrassed to ask me to do things. You're paying me so it's not like you're taking advantage."

His posture relaxed, "Thank you."

"You're welcome now get to work before you're late," she said with a grin. She watched as he glanced at the clock and set his cup down before going over and saying goodbye to his son. He was almost out the door when Alexis noticed something and ran over.

Ryan turned and waited to hear what she wanted, "Your tie is crooked." Before he could fix it her hands were on it carefully pulling and twisting until it sat straight, her hand gliding down the material to make sure it lay correctly. The gesture was oddly intimate and when she realized that she blushed and stepped back. "Ok, all set."

He squeaked out a "Thanks," before disappearing out the door.

When he returned home and opened the door it was like an entirely different place. Everything was clean and dusted, everything where it belonged and something delicious smelling was coming from the kitchen. He could almost pretend Jenny was still alive when it was like this, like she never died and his life was perfect in every way. It was a bittersweet feeling when Alexis appeared around the corner with a wide smile.

"Dinner's almost ready, how was work?"

He just stood there a moment as his mind continued to think about Jenny; she was so beautiful and perfect and sweet and honestly one in a million. But she was gone and would never return. Whether it was a good thing or a bad thing the world kept turning and every morning the sun welcomed a new day forcing him to keep going.

"Work was fine, how'd today go?" he asked evenly. Now was not the time to bury himself with thoughts of his wife.

"Wonderful, got the whole apartment cleaned up and dropped off and picked up Dev without any issues. I have to be honest I was a little worried this morning but now I know I've got this."

A small grin appeared on his lips at her proud expression, "Good to hear and the place looks great."

Her smile grew as she pointed to Devlin's room, "He's reading in his room but will you get him? Dinner will be ready any second."

Ryan walked to his son's room and stood in the doorway as he watched him quietly read a book from his tiny gray armchair in the corner. In the silence of his home, knowing his son was safe everything bad faded away. In this little bubble there was no hate, no evil, and no pain. He basked in the feeling for a few minutes until Devlin looked up and ran over. "I'm hungry daddy, when is dinner ready?"

"Right now, come on lets go wash up."

Alexis hummed softly to herself as she put pasta on plates for everyone and set them on the table. She'd be lying to herself if she said she wasn't enjoying all this. Today had been uncharted territory but she had managed it with a grace and ease that she knew few others could. It felt good to be helping out Kevin and taking care of Devlin, it gave her a purpose. When she was here she knew she was making someone's life better and that thought filled her with joy. She heard Ryan and Devlin approaching and when Ryan looked at her with bright eyes she knew she wanted to bring a smile to his face every single day.

As the days passed and turned into weeks everyone settled well into their routines. Alexis would arrive early in the morning and get Devlin ready for school while Ryan got ready for work then everyone would go their separate ways until Ryan got home. Sometimes they would eat together, home cooked meals or takeout, before Alexis went home. She would usually leave right after dinner to allow the two to have time together before Devlin had to go to bed. When Ryan would get a day off he would text her and she would stay away to take care of her own things.

Devlin seemed to latch onto Alexis almost immediately, their relationship growing every day as they became so close that Dev couldn't wait to see her in the morning. The other two people involved were also forming a close relationship; talking quietly to each other some nights after Devlin had gone to bed or just laughing over beers with dinner. Small touches that were once awkward were now commonplace and neither commented when words turned into light flirting.

Alexis was learning more and more everyday about Ryan, small tidbits and snapshots of his life popping up in conversation but for the most part he kept his past close to the vest. She could always tell when she overstepped a boundary because he would simple stand and walk away until returning a short time later and acting like nothing happened. From what she had learned anything about Jenny was off limits unless he brought it up and he didn't like to talk about his childhood because he viewed it as too private to share with people. It all amounted to the fact that Ryan still didn't fully trust her and even though it hurt she couldn't do anything about it.

What was becoming increasingly difficult was hiding her attraction to him. Things that should have driven her crazy, like how he had to have his ties a very certain way in the closet to how he would only drink coffee out of two cups in the entire apartment, were actually endearing. She began to notice how his eyes had different shades depending on his mood, from bright sky blue when he was happy to an almost ocean blue when he was angry. Over time she began to recognize just how expressive his facial expressions were and how he had different smiles for different situations. Her heart began to pound when he was close and she blushed every time he paid her a compliment.

All she wanted was to know if he felt the same but he never gave any indication and she definitely wasn't going to ask for fear he wouldn't feel the same and fire her for misplaced affections. The turning point in their relationship came almost a month after she first began watching his son.

It was three and a half weeks in when Alexis got an up-close and personal view of some of the hardships a homicide detective faced. Her and Devlin were sitting quietly on the couch watching a cartoon and waiting for Ryan to get home, he had texted halfway through the day saying it would be a late night. A key in the lock made them both look towards the door and Devlin vibrated excitedly as he waited for his dad to cross the threshold.

Ryan entered the house and dropped to his knees automatically when a small bundle in pjs ran towards him at full speed, "Daddy!" He engulfed his son in a tight hug and buried his face in his son's shoulder as he sat back on his heels just savoring the moment.

Alexis watched the scene carefully and noticed just how tired Ryan looked. He had dark circles under his eyes and his coat and shirt were wrinkled. The emotion pouring off of him was concerning too, she knew he loved his son but this was something else. It was like he was almost scared to let him go.

The two just sat on the floor together until Ryan finally pulled back and stared at his son's face as if memorizing every line and feature. "Did you have a good day? You all ready for bed?"

He nodded, "I wanted to wait for you."

"Well I'm glad you did." He kissed his sons forehead and looked at Alexis who took the hint and came over to grab Devlin's hand and lead him to his room to put him to sleep.

After putting Dev to bed she walked to the living room and saw that Ryan was sitting on the couch with his head leaned back and his eyes closed, an empty tumbler on the table in front of him. She flipped off the light switch and walked over to sit next to him, "Tough case?"

He lifted his head and looked at her with haunted eyes, "Horrible. Seven year old girl murdered and dumped behind a dumpster."

Alexis blew out a breath, "That's terrible."

"Yeah," he said quietly as he rubbed his eyes. The room fell quiet and when Alexis glanced over at him she was surprised at the unshed tears shining in his eyes. Hoping it was the right thing to do she pulled him into a hug and when he finally broke down she held him closer and gently shushed him.

She couldn't imagine how difficult it was to see a murdered child, then on top of that have a child of your own almost the same age that you can't be with and keep safe all the time. That little girls parents would never get to hold her again, would never get to tuck her in, would never get to see her grow up and she knew Ryan was picturing himself in that position.

Trying to calm him and offer any comfort she could she moved slightly and beamed when his arms wrapped around her waist and he started to relax a little, at least she was doing something right. She ran her fingers through his hair, gently scratching his scalp and smiled down at him when she saw he had fallen asleep, his head on her lap. It was times like this that she really got to see 'Kevin' instead of 'Homicide Detective Kevin Ryan'. He looked so young when he was sleeping, his thirty years barely showing instead of the older look he got when he was working. As he shifted and tightened his grip around her midsection she shook her head, one thing on her mind.

She was hopelessly in love with him.


	4. Chapter 4

In the early hours before dawn Ryan opened his eyes and was instantly aware of two things. The first was that he was not in his bed but was on the couch and the second was that someone was here with him since his head was on someone's stomach and fingers were running through his hair. He knew he should move, that this wasn't appropriate behavior, but it felt so good to be next to another person. His face and neck were warm from the heat of her skin and he could hear the sound of her heart beat reaffirming that that there was someone alive next to him.

"Good morning," Alexis whispered quietly when she heard his breathing change.

He stiffened and tried to sit up but she placed her hand on his shoulder and firmly pushed him back down. "Just relax it's still early."

"I'm sorry."

Her hand paused on his head before continuing, "You have nothing to apologize for. You don't have to be strong all the time Kevin, it's ok to lean on others for support."

Not knowing how to respond he stayed still and quiet for a moment until whispering, "My tie is choking me."

Both began to laugh softly and Ryan sat up to remove it before looking at the clock. "Too early to start the day, too late to go back to sleep."

She yawned before stretching out and lying down in the couch, her feet pressed against him and her head on the armrest. "Turn on the tv, maybe there's something to watch and please not the news. You live it and it just depresses me."

He leaned forward and grabbed the remote, "Yes ma'am." After their eyes got used to the glow of the tv Ryan looked over at Alexis who was staring at the tv through heavy lidded eyes. "Did you get any sleep last night, that probably wasn't very comfortable."

She turned and looked at him with a soft expression, "I slept fine, stop worrying about everything. And if you feel guilty rub my feet, they're cold."

He did as told and as the two continued watching early morning television they both acknowledged that last night had changed things, that a line had been crossed for better or worse and all they could do now is see where they ended up. It was easy to relax in the darkness of the room, to act like this was normal for a man and his child's nanny but both knew that when the harsh light of day started to shine through the windows the spell would be broken and they would return back to the way they were. But for now, they could pretend.

As soon as movement could be heard in Devlin's room they broke apart, switching off the tv and rising somewhat uncomfortably. Ryan spoke first, "I uh… I'm going to get ready for work."

She nodded awkwardly, "Yeah, ok. I'll um, just get Dev going."

"Right." Both stood there a moment longer until Ryan finally turned and entered his room.

After he left the room Alexis smiled widely and walked to the window to open the blinds. As warmth flooded over her she leaned her forehead against the glass and bit her lip trying to stop smiling. Last night Ryan had finally opened up to her, trusted her with his emotions and she thought she had handled it well. It had taken him a long time to fully relax in her presence and now that it had happened she could only hope that things would progress to much, much more in the near future. This was going to be a good day.

A couple short hours later Alexis entered her dad's apartment and suppressed a groan that he was still there. He looked up from his laptop and frowned, "Did you just get home? Where were you?"

"At Kevin's," she replied honestly.

Castle jumped up from his seat and walked over, "I'm going to need more than that honey. You spent the night at Ryan's house, or as you call him 'Kevin'?"

"Dad it's not like that," she said tiredly. "Kevin fell sleep and I stayed on the couch. I didn't mean to I was just tired." There was no way she was betraying Ryan's trust by telling her dad the detective had had a very rough evening and needed comfort, plus she wasn't technically lying.

"Really?" he asked skeptically. "Because you can tell me anything."

She crossed her arms and looked up at her father, "There's nothing to tell. What do you want me to say? No I did not have sex with Detective Ryan."

Castle waved his arms in front of him, "Don't even say those words. Forget it." With a shudder he walked away leaving Alexis rolling her eyes before she went upstairs and fell asleep.

Later in the week Ryan sat next to Esposito as they stared at the murder board trying to find any clue they had missed on their current case. Esposito listened with slight amusement as his partner thought aloud, it always amazed him that after eight hard years on the force he was still so naïve and innocent. A snort escaped him when Ryan suddenly jumped up and started pacing excitedly as his theory started to take a wild turn. "Yeah that sounds great bro but what about the receipt from the diner with the note on the back?"

"Oh yeah," he mumbled as he sat back down heavily. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out without looking at the display. "Ryan."

Alexis's voice floated over the line and he couldn't help the smile that made his partner's eyes narrow in suspicion. "Are you busy right now?"

"No not really, just sitting with Javi staring at the murder board," he answered.

"Well put that away because I have a little boy with me and he is very excited to bring his daddy lunch. We're just about to get on the elevator."

He hung up with a grin and stood before swinging the board around to the blank side. "Dev wanted to bring me lunch," he explained at his partner's confused look.

The older man stood, "Well if we're taking a break I'm getting something to eat too. I'll be back in a bit."

Ryan smirked, "Yeah I bet, tell Lanie I said hi."

Esposito didn't even deny it as he walked away and down the hallways towards the stairs. The elevator opened a second later and Ryan grinned at the sight of Dev trying to contain himself and not run out like a racehorse. When he saw his dad he tugged on Alexis's hand and when she nodded he bolted forward and into his dad's arms.

Ryan picked him up and squeezed him tightly before carrying him to the break room and sitting him down in a chair. "Hey bud, how was school?"

His face lit up and he took off his backpack and began digging through it, "We made books today, teacher said mine was the best."

Ryan beamed, "I'm proud of you Dev." While his son was still digging in his backpack he looked at Alexis who had set down a bag on the table and was watching the two fondly. "Hey Alexis."

"Call me Lex, Alexis is just too formal," she said with a slight crinkle to her nose. She started emptying the bag and placed something in front of him, "We brought something different for lunch and hopefully you like it."

Ryan couldn't believe that she actually looked nervous about him liking what she picked for lunch. He was spending time with his son and the girl he liked way more than he wanted to admit, she could have brought him dirt and he'd be happy. "Whatever it is is great Lex."

Castle exited the elevator and walked over to Beckett and Esposito who were talking quietly and staring into the break room. "Whom are we spying on?" he asked conspiratorially. His eyebrows shot up in surprise when he saw it was his daughter with Ryan and his son.

The three all watched through the glass into the break room for several minutes until Beckett smiled when Ryan pointed to something in a book and Devlin giggled, "He looks so happy and relaxed when he's with his son."

Esposito nodded, "That kid is his world. Doesn't matter what's got Ry in a bind, Dev will cheer him up."

Castle listened as the two spoke about Ryan and his son but his attention was on the interaction between Alexis and Ryan. She fit perfectly in the small family picture as she wiped Devlin's face off and pointed to Ryan's lunch, obviously informing him he needed to eat and stop playing. Something about the picture made him nervous and he wasn't sure if it was just that obvious or the fact that he knew his daughter so well but the two couldn't seem to stop touching each other.

Esposito tilted his head in thought, "Seems like Alexis is fitting in pretty well."

"Looks like she's taking care of Ryan too, he seems a lot less stressed lately," Beckett commented. When she saw Castle's eye twitch she sighed, "Not like that Castle, I just mean he needs someone to take care of him too even though he won't admit it and it seems Alexis has stepped up to the plate."

Castle crossed his arms and watched them for a few more minutes, barely staying quiet when Alexis grabbed Ryan's arm and buried her face into his shoulder as she laughed at what Devlin was saying. "You two don't think anything's going on between Alexis and Ryan do you?"

Esposito's eyes flickered to Beckett's for a fraction of a second before shrugging, "Nah."

Inside the break room Alexis was helping Dev gather his things while she talked to Ryan. "Kevin, I have a big favor to ask you."

"Ok," he said, his tone asking her to continue.

"My friends Paige and Taylor have really been wanting to hang out but I don't want to at my dad's place because he's always right there and you can't exactly drink wine and talk about things with your dad right there," she babbled.

His expression became more and more confused as he nodded slowly until finally throwing his hands up in a 'stop' gesture, "Just ask, you're losing me."

She sucked in a breath before rushing out with, "Could I invite them over to your place tomorrow night to hang out and maybe sleep over? I'll still watch Dev and everything."

Ryan was quiet for a moment as he contemplated the request, did he really want a bunch of young women in his apartment when he got home tomorrow? "Sure."

She clapped happily and pulled him into a hug before ushering Dev out of the room. "Thank you! See you when you get home."

By the time Ryan was able to leave for the night it was way past dark and he knew Devlin would already be in bed. He quietly entered his apartment and slipped off his shoes and jacket before looking around the dark room. The only light in the entire apartment was coming from the kitchen and he quietly walked towards it.

When he came around the doorway he stopped and instead of entering just leaned against the doorframe and observed Alexis cleaning up from dinner. She looked relaxed as she hummed to herself and scrubbed a pan, a half empty glass of wine next to the sink.

He had good memories in this kitchen, from watching Jenny burn the soufflé she had worked on all day shortly after they met to intimate conversations they would share as they hand washed dishes, instead of using the dishwasher, just to spend time together. It was in this kitchen they had talked about having a baby and it was in this kitchen they bathed Devlin for the first time. There were good memories between these four walls and now someone else was standing here.

Alexis wasn't Jenny, and she never would be but that was ok. She was new and different and maybe that was what he needed. It had been three years since he had lost the love of his life and he knew that Jenny was yelling herself hoarse up in heaven telling him to move on and get on with life. She had always treasured life and everything it had to offer and in the short time they had together she had taught him to do the same.

He snapped out of his musings when Alexis changed the tune she was humming to something eerily familiar. It was the song that Jenny used to sing in the shower every morning and in that moment it was like the veil had been lifted. Here in his kitchen was the next step to his life, whether it was romantic or platonic Alexis was the first step in learning to live again. He glanced up for a moment with a small smile. Devlin was right, Jenny was watching him too.

Alexis took a sip of her wine before setting it down and turning only to gasp in surprise at the sight of Kevin in the doorway. Her hand flew to cover her rapidly beating heart and she flashed him a shaky smile, "How long have you been there?"

"Few minutes, got lost in thought. Sorry," he said sounding anything but.

She shook her head, "You should be, scared me half to death. How was work?"

Every single day she asked that question and every single time she asked it made him feel good that she actually seemed to care. It was never asked quickly or as a simple platitude and every time he answered she would listen intently. "Long, after you guys left we got a few leads that sent us all over town then Javi got lost." He began to chuckle, "I kept trying to tell him where to go but he wouldn't listen. Is Dev asleep?"

"Yeah, about an hour and a half ago. Are you hungry? There's leftovers," she asked as she opened the fridge.

He didn't want her to go out of her way but he was starving, "Pretty hungry." She busied herself getting the food out and warmed while he hopped up onto the counter and idly kicked his feet. "Thanks again for lunch today, it was nice to see Dev and you."

She handed him a plate and grabbed her glass of wine before leaning against the counter next to him. "It was nice to see you too, I feel like the only time we hang out is when it's dark outside."

"Yeah," he chuckled, "Tell me about it. I've almost forgotten what my apartment looks like in natural light."

Alexis grinned as she swallowed the last of her wine. "You want some? I stole it from dad."

Ryan's eyebrows rose, "You stole it from Castle? Yeah, I definitely want some."


	5. Chapter 5

While last night had been relaxing and enjoyable for Ryan today had been anything but. The team had been chasing leads all day and finally found one only to have it turn into a gigantic mess at the last minute. Everything had been so hectic that right after Beckett stuffed the perp in the back of her car he and Esposito had just left, bulletproof vests still on and shotguns thrown haphazardly into the backseat. He was tired, dirty, sore and all he wanted to do was sink into the bathtub and forget all about it.

He limped slowly down the hallway, his ribs screaming at even the slight movement, and pushed his key into the lock on his door and swung open the door with a weary sigh. As soon as he closed and locked it he turned and froze at the sight of two women sitting on the couch with Alexis, wine glasses in hand. "Uh…."

Alexis looked at Ryan who looked a little worse for wear. He had on his kevlar vest and his shirtsleeves were rolled up to his elbows, he had blood on his right shoulder and his hair looked slightly disheveled. His badge and gun were clearly visible on his belt and he seemed to be favoring his left side. "Are you ok?"

He snapped out of his surprised stupor and tried to stand up straighter only to wince slightly, "Oh yeah, I'm fine. I forgot you were having friends over."

"We can leave," one the girls offered quietly.

He waved them off, "No, no it's fine." He undid his vest, revealing his crooked tie, and dropped it onto the floor after pulling it over his head. He crossed the room and held out his hand to the two girls, "Kevin."

They both shook his hand with growing grins, "Paige." "Taylor."

He flashed them both quick smiles before staring longingly at the empty food containers on the table. "There uh, there any of that left?"

"In the kitchen. It should still be warm," Alexis offered.

His face brightened slightly as he began loosening his tie, "Great, where's Dev?"

Alexis pointed to the cracked bedroom door, "Watching a movie in his room. He's all ready for bed."

Ryan nodded and disappeared into the kitchen before reemerging and walking into his bedroom with a takeout container.

Taylor turned to face Alexis with a huge grin, "That's your boss? I was picturing some old guy, he's hot!"

Paige nodded in agreement, "Please tell me you're taking advantage of this situation. Those eyes are to die for."

"Guys, it's not like that," she said with a blush. "We're just good friends."

"Right." All three quieted down when Ryan reemerged from the bedroom with his tie, badge, and gun missing. He was rolling his eyes as he spoke to someone on his cell phone.

"No Javi, the top drawer… what are you even talking about there's only two drawers… my system is very efficient… if you touched it then I don't know where it is… just ask Beckett." He suddenly pulled the phone away and looked at it before putting it back to his ear. "I've got another call, hang on."

A second later he fought a smile and stared at the ceiling as he answered the other call. "Yes Beckett?... Can I ask where exactly you are?" He nodded and pinched the bridge of his nose as his smile grew, "Could you walk to my desk please and tell Espo that you have the file he's looking for?... yeah he's on the phone with me…"

He shook his head and started to head for the kitchen. "Ok now that that's taken care of what can I do for you boss?" Before he could speak again he disappeared into the kitchen before returning with a beer and heading to his room.

Taylor shook her head, "If you don't do something I will. He's so cute in that, dorky/badass kind of way."

Alexis sighed, "Can we please just watch the movie and not talk about me doing my employer?"

"In a minute, I'm not done prying. Where's Devlin's mom?"

Alexis made sure Ryan's door was closed before speaking softly, "She died three years ago, it's just been Kevin and Dev since then."

Paige placed a hand over her mouth, "Oh my God that's horrible. Does he have a girlfriend or anything?"

"Not that I know of. He hasn't mentioned or been seen with anyone since I started watching Dev."

Paige shook her head, "He needs to get laid, the responsibility is falling in your hands." Taylor laughed as Alexis threw a pillow at Paige.

The girls lost track of time until Ryan emerged from his room showered and clean and quietly walked across the room before ducking into his son's bedroom. He emerged soon after and clicked off the light before looking at Alexis, "I'm going to bed so try to keep it down ok?"

All three nodded before the two girls smiled widely, "Goodnight Detective." He frowned a little at their tones but still offered a smile before going to his room.

A few hours later he was in so much pain he could hardly move, his abused ribs screaming in protest at the lack of support. He carefully made his way to the bathroom and grabbed out an ace bandage before making his way back into his room. Standing in the dark in his room dressed in only his boxers he tried to wrap them himself only for a choked cry to escape him when he twisted. The pain stole his breath and he tried to pull air into his lungs without putting more stress on his torso.

"Kevin," a hesitant voice whispered from the dark doorway. "Are you ok?"

"No," he gasped. "Close the door."

Alexis did as told and walked forward slowly; it was so dark she could only barely see any objects or Kevin. "What's wrong?"

"Ribs," he gritted out. He tried to get his breathing under control before he finally explained. "My ribs got bruised earlier, I need you to wrap them."

All business now she walked to the bathroom and cracked the door before clicking on the light so she could see what she was doing. When she turned back around she grimaced at Kevin who had his arms wrapped around his red and blue torso, his face twisted with pure pain. She grabbed the bandage from his hand and held it up, "Tell me what to do."

"Chest, snugly but not tight." She placed the end against his back and held it in place as she quickly moved around him, fingers ghosting across his flushed skin as she wrapped his entire chest in the bandage until applying the silver pins at the end.

"Is that alright? What else can I do?" she asked anxiously.

He pointed to the bathroom, "Pain pills. Top shelf right side."

She ran into the bathroom before grabbing the bottle and walking back slowly as she read the label. "Kevin this is hospital heroin, why do you even have this?"

He sat down on the end of the bed carefully and started sucking in shallow breaths through his nose trying to calm himself now that the pain was starting to fade a little. "Don't call it that, it's Dilaudid. Just give me one please." When she didn't move he resorted to begging, "Please Lex, it hurts so bad."

With trepidation she handed him one, which he promptly dry swallowed. They sat in silence and when she saw his hands were shaking she grabbed the one closest to her and squeezed. "I wish you would have told me earlier, I could have wrapped them as soon as you got home. You shouldn't hide things like that."

He let out a huff of laughter before his face contorted in pain. "Jenny used to tell me the same thing. I'd try to hide them and she'd get so mad at me."

They continued talking about nothing in particular until Ryan finally announced, "I think I'm good now." He carefully stood and lifted the blanket before sitting down on the bed again, "Thank you."

She gently prodded him to get comfortable and waited until he was still before pulling the blanket up and switching off the bathroom light. She lightly padded across the room and climbed onto the bed and scooted over until she was a safe distance away and began to scratch his scalp lightly.

"What are you doing?" he asked groggily as the pain pills hit full force.

"I just want to make sure you get to sleep ok, just relax and close your eyes." She watched him close his eyes and she sighed happily when he leaned into her touch. When she was sure he was asleep she quietly left the room and walked back to the couch.

She had almost made it back under the blanket when Paige whispered, "I'd call it a quickie but you were in there quite a while."

Alexis whacked her and Taylor giggled quietly. "It's not like that. I guess he bruised his ribs and he couldn't wrap them himself. It was horrible."

Taylor sat up slightly to see both girls better, "He was carrying himself weird earlier, that's probably why. My brother bruised his ribs before and said it was the worst pain he's ever been in. I guess it's really hard to breath with."

"He was having a really hard time breathing. Hopefully he'll sleep better now. Make sure you two don't say anything about it, he doesn't want Dev worrying," she whispered.

The room fell quiet for a few minutes until Paige whispered, "What was he wearing?"

"Paige!" Alexis whispered harshly before quietly answering, "Boxers, blue with white polka dots."

All three began to giggle before Taylor and Paige fell back asleep leaving Alexis just staring at the ceiling. She had been so concerned about Kevin that she hadn't even taken the time to appreciate the view, but the few glances she did allow herself brought a small grin to her face.

The next morning Esposito entered Kevin's house with his spare key and froze at the surreal scene. Devlin was sitting on the couch watching cartoons while Kevin, who was dressed in dress pants and an undershirt, cooked breakfast for three very beautiful and young women all dressed in their pjs. They were all laughing at what Ryan was saying and very obviously flirting with him.

"Holding out on me Ry?" He asked as he smiled flirtatiously at the two girls and introduced himself before greeting Alexis normally.

Ryan grinned, "Perfect timing, I was just telling the girls about when that perp ran you over at that steam punk club."

Esposito's expression darkened, "That was not funny bro."

"To you! That guy freaking leveled you Javi, I didn't even have time to move and you were already on the floor."

Esposito shook his head and poured himself a cup of coffee. "Like that guy leveled you last night? You should have seen your face when he popped out around that corner," he said before digging through the cabinets for a snack.

Ryan's eyebrows shot up, "I wasn't expecting him, and you were supposed to intersect him before he got to me. By the way what the hell was Castle doing?"

The other man began to laugh, "Oh my God I know, when Beckett came around the corner she was so mad." He looked at Alexis and shook his head, "Your dad got reamed yesterday, full on wrath of Beckett."

Ryan laughed before he slammed the cabinet shut in front of Javier, "Don't eat snack cakes for breakfast, I'm making eggs. Why are you here anyway?"

Esposito mock frowned, "That any way to treat a guest? And I'm here to tell you Beckett's going to be late so we don't have to be there until later."

"And you couldn't call because…"

"You're the only person I know that makes breakfast even though you don't eat it, thought I'd stop by for some chow."

Ryan stared at him with a flat look, "Nice." He served everyone before bringing a plate to his son and returning to pour himself another cup of black coffee.

Paige smiled at Esposito, "So Detective, are you seeing anyone right now?"

Alexis rolled her eyes and Kevin grinned from behind his coffee cup. Esposito shook his head but a fake cough from Ryan that sounded suspiciously like 'Lanie' made him stop and glare at his best friend. "On and off."

She pouted, "Shame."

Alexis's eyebrows shot up, "Hold up, you and Lanie? When did this happen? Apparently dad never told me anything while I was away."

"It's been a while, few years. We're together based off her mood, right now we're definitely off," Esposito answered with a shrug.

Ryan looked at him in disbelief, "Dude you called her out at a crime scene, what did you expect? You're lucky you weren't laying on a slab next to the vic."

Everyone laughed except Esposito who fixed him with a hard look, "Don't you need to get ready for work or something? What so you call this look? Half-way Saturday?"

Ryan bristled slightly, "I didn't want to get anything on my shirt or vest, unlike you I don't like stained clothes."

Taylor couldn't help but laugh, "You two are like the odd couple. I'm assuming you're partners, how long?"

Both men answered at the same time, "Six years."

"Wow."

Esposito nodded, "Yeah it's been a while. He's totally my work wife." Seeing Ryan's expression he pointed at him, "See that face, all judging and disapproving? It just proves my point."

Ryan pursed his lips and set down his cup before walking away to finish getting ready. He was surprised when his partner followed him and quietly closed the door behind them. "Your ribs are wrapped, I can see the bandage. Why didn't you tell me last night?"

He grabbed his dress shirt and began to button it, "I didn't tell you because I was so exhausted I just wanted to be home, but he plowed me bro I'm lucky they're not broken. Don't tell Beckett or anything, they're not bad enough to miss work."

Esposito nodded, "I'm sorry Ry, I tried to catch him but he was hell bent on getting away."

"Not your fault Javi," he offered as he tucked in his shirt. "This isn't the first time I've gotten hurt, what's with you bro?"

There was no way Esposito was going to tell him that he had been scared out of his mind when the man had knocked Ryan down. Ryan wasn't weak but he wasn't the muscle of the team, he was and he hadn't done his job and his partner had paid the price. Seeing Ryan with Devlin yesterday had reminded him just how important it was that Ryan got home every night in one piece. "You're my partner. What, now I can't make sure you're ok?"

Instantly noticing the defensive stance Javier got when he was getting embarrassed he backed off and hid a smile. "So what time do we need to be there?"

They exited the room and he glanced at the clock on the wall, "Half hour, we should probably go."

Both men walked over and sat on opposite sides of Devlin. Esposito ruffled the small boy's hair and grinned down at him, "Hola amiguito, estás manteniendo su papá en línea?"*

Devlin smiled back, "Sí tío Javi."*

Esposito rubbed his head affectionately, "Only Irish kid I know who speaks Spanish, you're the coolest Dev."

"Who knew Claudia was teaching him everyday?" Ryan smirked. "Anyway I gotta go buddy, I'll see you tonight ok?" The little boy nodded before hugging him tightly and returning his attention to the tv. Both men rose and walked to the door after Kevin grabbed his coat, "Bye girls."

While Esposito's eyes were on the two grinning girls Kevin's gaze was firmly locked with Alexis who smiled shyly. "Bye Kevin."


	6. Chapter 6

If anyone had told Alexis a month ago that she would be a full time nanny to a small boy she would have laughed in their face, if they had told her she would also be the nanny of a thirty year old man she would have called them crazy. Yet here she was at seven am on a Wednesday simultaneously trying to fix Devlin breakfast and help Kevin find the only tie in his vast collection that would match the shirt he had on.

"Just change your shirt," she finally snapped after upturning half the furniture in the apartment.

Ryan's head popped up from behind the couch and he looked at her like she had suggested some heinous crime, "But I already picked out my outfit. The tie has to be somewhere." He glanced around before walking back to his bedroom, the sound of opening and closing drawers meeting Alexis's ears a moment later.

She withheld a groan when she looked over and saw that Devlin was trying to stuff a pancake into his pocket. "What are you doing Dev?"

He looked up with the same wide blue eyes as his father and shrugged, "Saving some for later."

"Pancakes don't make a good snack," she tried to explain patiently as she walked over and wiped off his hands and pants. "Go brush your teeth please, I don't want you to be late for school." When he just sat and stared at her she saw an all too familiar stubbornness in his eyes and pointed to the bathroom. "Now Devlin, don't make me ask again."

With an overly dramatic sigh the small boy slid off his seat and trudged off. She was just about to heave a sigh of relief when Ryan appeared again with the tie in question tied around his neck. "Have you seen my black boots?"

Alexis dropped her head into her hand before looking back up, "Did you check under your bed?" His eyes lit up and he ran back into his room before coming back out holding up the shoes. "Thanks, and in case you were wondering the tie was in the medicine cabinet. Don't ask because I have no idea."

Devlin appeared a second later ready to go save for his out of control hair. She ran her fingers through the platinum locks and licked her palm to hold down the flyaways before giving him a nod of approval. Ryan walked up next to his son and Alexis automatically started to fix his appearance also, straightening his seemingly always crooked tie and tucking in the left pocket on his jacket that was inside out.

When she took a step back Ryan smiled cheekily, "Good to go ma?"

She fixed him with a flat look before handing him his keys, "All set, now go play nice with the other kids." The grin on his face grew and with a quick kiss to his son's cheek he slipped out the door.

Devlin started to wander away but Alexis caught him by his backpack, "Come on Dev, time for school."

A short time later she entered her dad's apartment and threw herself onto the couch, her arm flinging over her eyes. When she felt it dip by her feet she sat up and hugged her dad, "I took for granted everything you ever did for me. Thank you."

He welcomed the affections from his daughter and smiled down at her, "Rough morning I take it?"

She looked up at his amused face and nodded, "I was only there for a couple hours and I'm exhausted. I have no idea how you raised me alone for eighteen years."

He kissed the top of her head, "You made it easy honey. Now you said yesterday you wanted to talk about something, what can I do for you?"

Her eyes lit up and she seemed to pull energy from somewhere as she sat up excitedly. "Dad I was wondering if you could watch Dev Friday night. The girls and I want to take Kevin out."

He wasn't sure if he should be amused at the suggestion or scared for his coworker and friend, "Out where?"

She shrugged, "Maybe a club."

Castle couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of him, "I don't think Ryan does much clubbing but a change of scenery might be good for him."

"That's what we thought. He's always working or taking care of Dev and we just thought it might be nice for him to have a night off. So you'll do it?"

He nodded, "Of course, Dev's great and Ryan needs to get back out into the world. I honestly think the only friends he has are me, Espo, and Kate."

Alexis grabbed her dad into another tight hug and smiled up at him, "Thanks dad!" She let go and walked to the kitchen, "Breakfast?"

He followed and sat her down at the counter, "Allow me madam." After producing an apron from a drawer he proclaimed in an exaggerated French accent, "Welcome to Chez Castle, how may I serve you today?"

Alexis lost her battle with a smile and held out her arms, "Surprise me." Her dad spun around and began grabbing utensils and various food items as she let out a small giggle, weird was her normal.

It was late evening when Ryan entered his apartment and to his disappointment Devlin was already asleep. He greeted Alexis and graciously accepted the dinner she had ready before heading to his room to wash away the grime of the day.

Alexis couldn't help but giggle when Ryan entered the kitchen a short time later fresh from the shower. He was dressed in dark blue jeans and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt with his hair dry but flat to his head. When he heard her laugh he grabbed out a beer from the fridge and turned, "What?"

She couldn't stop the huge smile spread across her cheeks, "With your shirt and hair like that you look like you shouldn't even be able to drink."

He pursed his lips before he too began to chuckle, "Hence why my hair is always done." An amused expression covered his face; "You've never seen me without my hair done?"

"Nope, it always seems to have something in it," she said as she stepped forward. Her hand reached up and she slid her fingers through the strands, "Your hairs really soft, I like it without anything in it."

It was moments like this that he loved, when it was just the two of them and she was touching him in some way, when she was close enough that he could smell her perfume. "Well I'll have to remember that," he said with a boyish grin.

Her gaze moved from his hair to his eyes as her hand gently slid down the side of his head until resting on his cheek, her thumb gently caressing the smooth skin. Ryan stood completely still for fear of ruining the moment and when she held his gaze his heart began to pound with anticipation.

As if she had been burned she suddenly jerked her hand away and took a step back as she averted her gaze. It happened so fast that Ryan was still stuck in his frozen position as she coughed and stuck her hands in her back pockets, "So I wanted to talk to you about something and I'd like you to think about it before just saying no."

"Ok," he said as he finally moved and took a pull from the glass bottle in his hand.

"I was talking to the girls yesterday and we were thinking of going out Friday night to a club or something and we'd really like it if you came with us," she said carefully as she gauged his reaction.

To no one's surprise he shook his head, "I don't think so Lex, I don't really do the club scene anymore, plus if you're going out I'll be with Dev."

She rushed to change his mind, "I asked my Dad and he said he'll watch Dev, he loves him and you might really enjoy yourself. Please?"

He looked at her pleading expression and slight pout before rolling his eyes, "Fine." After another pull on the bottle he wandered to the living room and nestled comfortably on his red couch and flipped on a movie.

"What are we watching?" Alexis asked from beside him as she placed a blanket over her legs.

His eyebrows shot up and he fixed her with an astonished gaze, "Are you serious? You've never seen Fight Club?" At her confused expression he began to smile, his entire demeanor so excited she thought he might burst. "It just started so you're in luck, everyone has to see this movie at least once. Javi and I have seen it at least ten times." She couldn't help but be drawn in by his childlike excitement.

A small ways into the movie Alexis shivered and pulled the blanket more snuggly around herself. "You cold?"

She looked over at Kevin and nodded, "Yes, your place is freezing at night."

"It's Dev, he sleeps hot so I keep it cold in here," he explained. "Come here, I'll warm you up."

Without any hesitation, she wasn't missing this chance, she scooted over up against his side and was surprised at how warm he felt. "You're like a heater."

"I just feel like it, you actually run about .4 degrees warmer than I do. Women usually have higher body fat than men and when you get cold your blood travels underneath that layer of fat to your core to protect your internal organs. On women it has to go deeper than men, thus their skin feels much colder making them much more sensitive to temperature changes."

She arched a single eyebrow, "Well wasn't that informative."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I know a lot of random things."

A small laugh escaped her before she snuggled into his side, her head on his shoulder. When his arm slid around her she bit her lip to stop the smile that was trying to appear and tried to focus on the movie.

Ryan knew every line and every scene from the movie but his mind had gone suspiciously blank when Alexis positioned herself snugly against him. Instead of rewatching his absolute favorite movie of all time he spent the entire time trying to not run his fingers through her tresses and had to keep stopping himself when his fingers began to softly run across her shoulder and arm. Her hair smelt like vanilla and her skin was as soft as silk, two facts he would not soon forget.

For once he cursed his indecisive nature and wondered what he was going to do with whatever was going on between Alexis and him. She seemed to return his affections and moments like earlier in the kitchen seemed to be popping up more and more. It was only a matter of time before someone got the nerve to push this and the thought both excited him and scared the hell out of him.

Snapping to attention when the credits began to roll he looked eagerly at Alexis, "What'd you think?"

She shrugged, "I would never watch that movie on my own but it honestly wasn't bad. Kind of B-movie feel to it and the ending was crazy."

"I know right?" he said gleefully. He looked at the clock and his smile faded, "I should go to bed, I never have time to do anything anymore." As the words slipped past his lips he realized that for the first time in three years he actually wanted to do something after work, to have a life of his own that didn't only include the precinct.

Alexis reluctantly moved away from him and climbed off the couch before heading for the door, "You have time Friday night, I'm excited about going out with you."

"Yeah," he replied uncertainly as he walked her to the door.

She slapped his arm good naturedly, "It'll be fun, I promise." She pulled him into a tight hug and savored the feeling of his arms wrapped around her. Deciding just to go for it because if she thought too much she would chicken out she pulled back slightly and kissed his cheek, the corner of her lips barely meeting his.

"Night Kevin," she said quietly, her face the same color as her hair, before letting herself out.

Ryan just stood a few feet from the door and stared at it in slight shock. She had kissed him, not fully but hey it still counted. They had watched a movie and sat closely together before she left him on his doorstep after a ghost of a goodnight kiss. Had this been some weird date?

He shook his head and headed for his room, pausing halfway, "Wait does that make me the girl?"


	7. Chapter 7

Friday evening Ryan reluctantly knocked on Castle's door and stood patiently with his son next to him. When the door opened Devlin ran in excitedly followed by his subdued father who looked entirely uncomfortable with life in general. Castle had to laugh at his unsure expression and his laughter only increased when Ryan shot him a disgruntled look.

The writer picked up Devlin and placed him on his shoulders much to the boys delight, "Hey Ryan, excited for your night out?"

He gave him a flat look, "I guess."

Two tiny hands covered Castle's eyes and he laughed as he acted blinded, "You might have fun. Alexis made it sound like they were bringing a cub outside the den for the first time."

"Yeah, that's how it sounded to me too," he said with a chuckle. "To be honest that's what it feels like." He swallowed his pride for a moment and looked seriously at Castle, "I haven't gone out in a long time, this ok?" he asked about his outfit.

Richard Castle was not the most mature man, nor was he the best person to show vulnerability to but in this moment Ryan was asking him for help and he sure as hell wasn't going to let him down or tease him. He knew how much Ryan needed a night out and he knew how entirely uncomfortable he was with the idea of going to a club. With eyes that had seen more fashion on people than he'd like he looked over Ryan's outfit, black dress shoes and slacks with a black button up and a white skinny tie. While he could never pull off the look it worked well on Ryan, the harshly contrasting colors emphasizing his blue eyes. "One hetero man to another you look great."

His comment pulled a small laugh from Ryan and he felt some tension fall away. "You go to clubs anymore Castle?" he asked curiously.

The larger man nodded, "Sometimes it's nice to just let go and have some fun, I don't care much for the music anymore though."

"I hear ya, I grew up listening to the Beastie Boys and Public Enemy much to everyone's dislike."

"No way," Castle said with a head shake. "I picture Mariah Carey and the Backstreet Boys."

Ryan didn't rise to the bait, "That'd be you Castle, I was too busy with Rage Against The Machine and House Of Pain." He glanced up at his son, "Dev's got good taste too, what's your favorite song bud?"

"It's Tricky!"

Ryan smiled one of his rare full smiles that lit up his entire face and began to laugh at Castle's shocked expression. "He knows it by heart, have him sing it for you later. He dances and everything."

The doorbell rang and Alexis came flying down the stairs but paused when she saw Ryan was there. With a slight blush she pushed her hair behind her ear and smiled, "Hey." She could only pray her dad didn't notice the pink tint to her skin as her eyes raked over Kevin.

Wednesday after breakfast her dad had tried to casually work her and Kevin's friendship into the conversation but of course she had recognized the attempt for what it really was. "We're friends dad," she had repeated for the seemingly millionth time. "There's nothing going on." Yet. She was honestly surprised he hadn't spoken to Kevin about it but she supposed that might make their work relationship a little awkward.

Ryan stuck his hands in his pockets and nodded in greeting at the redhead, his mouth suddenly dry. He did a quick once over of her and it took everything he had to not drool at her curves in a light teal dress which accentuated her legs and other… assets. Her hair was down and lightly curled, exactly like he liked it.

The doorbell rang again and she quickly strode over and swung it open revealing Taylor and Paige who were dressed to the nines in skin tight dresses and sky high heels. Paige instantly walked over to Ryan and looked him up and down, "Perfect."

Taylor clapped her hands together excitedly, "Let's go, let's go!"

Ryan looked at Castle with slight trepidation and Castle laughed as he set down Devlin so he could say goodbye. He kneeled down and hugged his son before pushing his hair out of his face. "Is féidir leat glaoch orm ag am ar bith is mian leat ceart go leor?"

"I know," Devlin answered. "I love you."

"Is breá liom tú ró," he replied before standing back up.

Castle tilted his head as a slow smile appeared, "You speak Irish?"

Ryan looked confused for a second like he hadn't even realized he was speaking it before nodding slowly and pointing a finger at him. "No leprechaun jokes."

Castle held up his hands in a 'Me? Never' gesture as Taylor grabbed his arm and began pulling him away, Paige doing the same with his other arm. He looked at Castle with a pleading look but he was no help. "Have fun Ryan!"

After an interesting cab ride that reminded Ryan why he always drove himself or rode with his partner they got to the club and the girls frowned at the massive twisting line, "Ugh, we'll be here forever."

Ryan wanted to just get right back in the cab but the disappointed expressions on the girls faces made him stick it out, he was a sucker for a pretty pout. He stood on his tippy toes and tried to see the front before he grinned, "Maybe not. Come on." They followed him to the front but stopped short of the bouncer, leaving Ryan to approach him on his own.

"Hey Tiny."

The bouncer, who was way over six feet and three hundred pounds looked down with a hard expression at the man that was barely up to his armpits and only weighed one fifty on a good day. He kept staring with a look of pure death before recognition set in and he smiled brightly, his moustache twitching with the movement. "Detective Ryan! Good to see you!" He grabbed the smaller man's shoulder in greeting and shook him slightly.

Ryan barely kept his balance as he was thrown around like a rag doll but still returned the man's sentiments. "Yeah, you too. How's Stacey?"

The man sobered and offered a shrug, "Doing better, everyday gets a little brighter."

"That's all you can ask for," he said with a knowing look. Figuring his social necessities had been fulfilled he glanced at the door before looking back at Tiny who got the hint.

The huge man pointed a finger at the door and raised his eyebrows, "You want in? No problem man."

Ryan turned and nodded to Alexis and her friends who were a few feet away, "I have some friends with me too."

Tiny looked at the small group and waved them over, "Go on in. Have a good time."

Once inside Alexis immediately inquired as to how he had managed to get them all inside with absolutely no waiting. "His brother-in-law got murdered, everybody thought Tiny did it but Javi and I proved he didn't right before the DA got to him. He was pretty thankful, his sister was too," he supplied as he fought to keep himself calm with all the people and loud music. It was easy to feel overwhelmed when you didn't do this often.

Taylor pulled out her charge card from her purse and grinned at Paige, "Come on lets go get a table." The two ran off into the crowd and Alexis instantly turned to face him better.

"Are you ok? You look nervous."

He laughed awkwardly, "Noticed that huh?" Feeling nervous wasn't something that happened to him often, after all when you had the entire city of New York behind you and a SIG Sauer sitting on your hip you didn't have much to be nervous about.

Alexis grabbed his arm and smiled reassuringly, "Just try to relax, if you hate it we'll leave ok? Taylor has insisted on buying a ridiculously priced table so at least you'll have a place to get away from everything."

Because of the noise level she was so close he could smell the spearmint on her breath and see that her mascara wasn't actually black but a deep blue. He offered a nod hoping it was the right answer since he hadn't been listening very well and was rewarded with a perfect smile. "Awesome, let's go."

Not wasting any time she grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together before pulling him through throngs of people over to where Paige and Taylor were getting settled. As soon as Ryan sat down his eyes began to skitter across the room anxiously, he was so far out of his comfort zone. A hand on his shoulder made his jump slightly and he looked at Paige who was holding a tumbler of amber liquid, "Relax Irish, enjoy the party." He took a sip and his eyebrows rose at the smooth flavor.

Paige grinned and nodded, "Good huh? Highland Park 30, no cheap crap tonight."

For the first time that night he flashed a true smile, he'd do whatever the hell they wanted if he could keep drinking this all night. He glanced at Alexis who wrinkled her nose at the drink and shook her head, "I'm getting something else."

She disappeared for a moment before returning with a clear drink which caused Taylor to burst out laughing. "Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets."

Ryan couldn't stop the laugh that escaped him as she slid in next to him. "Like you two?" she quipped after taking a drink. He whipped around to look at the other two who looked shocked at her comment before toasting her. "Touché."

After a short time Taylor jumped up and grabbed Alexis, "Come on dance with me!" She glanced at Ryan to make sure he would be all right and after a soft smile and nod from him she followed her friend into the crowd.

As time slipped by Paige found her self more and more drawn to Ryan, from his gorgeous eyes to his dry sense of humor. She knew Alexis liked him whether she acted like it or not but that didn't mean she couldn't enjoy his company and do a little innocent flirting. "Let me see your phone," she said from directly beside him.

Ryan did as told and handed her the object and watched as she put her number in, "You ever want to hang out you call me, and it's up to you how you interpret 'hang out'. I can't get over how adorable you are."

A blush appeared on his cheeks and he nodded as he slipped his phone back in his pocket. He leaned forward and grabbed his glass before finishing off the contents and setting it back down. Paige frowned at his empty glass, "We need more alcohol."

"No we don't," he countered. He was already feeling pretty drunk, a pleasant numbness spreading all the way to his toes as any doubts he had about tonight faded into the blurry outlines of his mind.

"Oh yes we do, Taylor come on," she instructed just as the two came back from the dance floor. Alexis sat down so close to Ryan their arms touched. "Paige has sure taken a liking to you," she commented in a slightly jealous tone.

Ryan blew out a breath and shook his head, "She's… uh, what's the word?" He broke off as he tried to get his intoxicated mind to work. "Intense! That's the word I'm looking for."

It killed her to say it but she wanted him to enjoy his night, "You know, it wouldn't bother me or anything if you wanted to… you know… with Paige."

He began to laugh, "With Paige? Nope. Nada. My entire life is intense; I need calm any place I can get it. She's pretty fun to talk to though."

Relief flooded through her and she placed a hand on his knee to reassure herself that Kevin was still hers. "Are you having a good time?"

He nodded exaggeratedly, "Yeah I wasn't sure I would at first but this is, this is nice. No responsibility, no one needing anything. No demanding Beckett with her sassy face or bitchy Javi or Castle getting me into trouble." He dropped his head onto her shoulder and she laughed as he mumbled, "Never ever repeat that. I'm so drunk."

"I think we all are," she giggled as she saw Taylor trip and Paige grab her before they began laughing hysterically. She nudged Ryan slightly, "Kevin?"

He lifted his head and waited patiently for her to continue, hardly taking notice to the fact that their faces were barely an inch apart.

Alexis's brain just stopped, all thoughts evaporating in an instant as her eyes widened at his close proximity. She could see every single sandy eyelash surrounding his azure eyes and when his eyes crinkled at the corners she knew he was grinning. Her pulse quickened when he began to lean forward and her eyes slid shut in anticipation...


	8. Chapter 8

Her pulse quickened when he began to lean forward and her eyes slid shut in anticipation...

"We are not leaving until this is all gone!"

Alexis's eyes popped open at the sound of Taylor's voice and she jerked backwards almost causing Ryan to fall onto the floor at the sudden lack of support. Her hands darted out and after grabbing and righting him she looked at Taylor and Paige who set down another bottle of liquor onto the table with drunken grins, oblivious as to what they had interrupted.

"But first," Paige cut in, "Let's see just how Irish you are handsome." She placed numerous shots on the table and grinned as she separated them. One for Taylor, one for Alexis, and three each for her and Ryan. Girl didn't mess around.

Not wasting any time Alexis grabbed it and downed it with a grimace, while she didn't particularly like doing shots it was better than just awkwardly looking at Ryan who was still staring at her. That had been their moment and the friends that were trying to make it happen had actually messed it all up. Maybe it was for the best she wondered, maybe it was a sign that they should just remain friends. A knot appeared in her stomach at the thought because she knew that would never work, she couldn't just sit by his side without wanting more.

Ryan reluctantly pulled his attention away from Alexis and looked at Paige in amazement as she picked up her first shot, "Are you trying to kill me?"

She grinned as she downed a shot with a cocky look but faltered when he threw back one after the next until they were gone, a smirk on his face as he set down the last glass upside down. "Because it'll take a lot more than that," he declared.

After enough time had passed for the awkwardness to fade Alexis looked over and smiled at how boneless Ryan looked, a relaxed smile on his lips and his slightly unfocused eyes half closed. He was more than a little drunk and it was hilarious to watch him try to talk only to completely lose track halfway through everything he was talking about. After trailing off he looked at Alexis, "What was I talking about?"

She met his eyes dead on because she knew if she looked at Taylor who was seated on his other side she would begin to laugh just as hard as her friend was. "I lost track somewhere between dogs in sweaters, Esposito's culinary skills, and the downfall of Sesame Street."

His eyes lit up, "Oh yeah, you... you gotta watch out f'r Cookie Monster. Tha guy's shady. Someth'n in those cookies..."

Paige grinned at her two friends before topping off Ryan's glass with an evil smirk, "We'll be back in a minute." He blinked before nodding and taking a sip out of the tumbler. She grabbed Alexis and Taylor followed until they were a way's away. "I have gotten him so drunk I doubt he even knows what his name is, if you're going to make your move tonight is the time to do it."

Alexis balked, "I'm not going to take advantage of him when he's drunk!"

"Guys can take advantage of girls when they're drunk but it doesn't work the other way. Guys love to be used, all you have to do is ask," Paige said with a knowing smile. They looked over to Ryan who now seemed to be leaning slightly to one side.

Alexis groaned, "Guys he's not like that."

Taylor finally spoke up after grabbing her shoulders, "Listen to me. He likes you, I can see it but I'm betting he can't handle rejection right now so he's not doing anything about it. If you want him you're the one that is going to have to make it happen. We're not telling you to screw him tonight..."

"I am," Paige offered.

"...we're just saying maybe test the waters a little. If it doesn't work out it's just a drunk mistake."

Alexis looked hopeful but still unsure, "How do you know he likes me?" While she liked to think they had something going she wasn't ever sure if it was the truth or just wishful thinking and the shattered moment earlier had broken what little confidence she had about the situation.

Paige rolled her eyes, "It's written all over his adorable face. The only reason I'm not going after him is because you like him and he returns the feelings, otherwise I would have been on that hours ago."

They all looked over at him again and he drunkenly waved causing all three to laugh. Alexis pursed her lips together before looking at her friends again, "If I find a good moment I will, but don't push it ok?"

Taylor bit her lip and looked at Alexis, "You better find your moment soon otherwise that woman might take it from you."

The three whipped around to look at a blonde woman who was sitting so close to Ryan their legs were touching. She kept touching his thigh and giggling at whatever he was saying. When she touched his hair, hair that Alexis loved to run her hands through, she lost it. With a new found purpose she fixed her dress and pushed up her breasts before stomping over and glaring at the woman who smiled tightly. "Can I help you?" the woman asked with a very noticeable 'back off' undertone.

Alexis smiled sarcastically, "No you can't, but he can." Not wasting any time she grabbed Kevin's arm and jerked him upright and away from the woman. She didn't stop until they were all the way on the other side of the club in a darkened hallway.

When they finally stopped Ryan looked confused, his unfocused eyes glancing around. "Wha jus' happened?" he slurred.

Knowing it was now or never Alexis grabbed his face and kissed him. He stiffened for a moment before his hands found their way to her waist and he allowed her to back him up until they were against a wall. It was better than she had ever imagined, soft yet firm and he tasted bitter from the alcohol yet sweet from something that was all his own. He was beyond drunk yet the kiss wasn't sloppy in the slightest, it was slow and sensual and made her entire body tingle with want. When she finally pulled back Kevin looked completely dazed with a flushed appearance that she knew wasn't just from the liquor.

"Wha was th't for?" he finally asked.

Alexis tilted her head coyly, "Does there need to be a reason?" He shook his head and pulled her flush against him before pressing his lips to hers, deepening the kiss when he felt her tongue trace his bottom lip. It could have been seconds or hours, neither knew as Alexis gasped in pleasure as he moved across her jaw and down her neck before returning to reclaim her mouth.

When they parted for breath they both just stared at the other with small smiles, Alexis's falling slightly when she saw how bloodshot his eyes were. "Will you remember this tomorrow?"

He pushed a piece of her hair back behind her ear, one hand still on her hip holding her close. "I hope so. I've wan'd to do that for a while."

"Why haven't you?"

His eyebrows knitted together as his face scrunched in deep thought, "I'm pretty sure I had raisins...reasons but I can't remember any right... right now."

She grabbed his hand and began pulling him back to the table, "Come on let's get back before Paige sends out a search party." They weaved through the crowd until they both sat down next to Paige who grinned at the pair.

"Why Detective, that is a lovely shade of lipstick you're wearing."

Alexis laughed as Ryan rubbed the back of his hand over his mouth and let out a small drunken giggle. "Where's Taylor?"

Paige pointed to the dance floor, "I'm going to join her. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Ha!"

Sometime after two am Alexis and Ryan found themselves in the hallway of his building giggling like teenagers as they tried to get the key into the lock. Alexis kept almost dropping it and Ryan wasn't helping by just leaning against the wall trying to stay quite while hysterically laughing. The lock finally clicked and the door swung open and as soon as they were inside they burst into laughter.

As the minutes ticked by they finally got it together, Ryan wiping away tears as a few chuckles still escaped him and Alexis still smiling like a maniac. When they finally met each other's eyes their smiles slowly faded and when Ryan took a few steps closer to her she didn't move away. His hand wrapped around the back of her neck as his mouth descended on hers and she let out a soft moan when his other hand wrapped around her waist.

What started as slow quickly turned out of control as Ryan pushed her against the door and pressed himself against her, desperate for contact. Her arms automatically wrapped around his neck as he attacked her mouth, lips and teeth clashing. His hands slid down her sides, fingers and palms tracing every curve, until they sat on her thighs, his thumbs hooking the bottom of her dress as he dropped his head to nip along her neck and suck on her pulse point.

Her head was spinning from the alcohol and how close Kevin was, the scent of his cologne driving her mad. A groan broke free from her lips when he parted her legs with his knee and his hands began to drag her dress upwards until his nimble fingers began to toy with her underwear.

Her hands drifted upwards to his hair and she pulled slightly as she tilted her head to give him more access to her neck and shoulder. It felt like she was a raw nerve, every touch so intense it made her entire body quiver. Her heart was pounding so hard all she could hear was a dull roar of rushing blood in her ears and when one of his hands began to slide up her waist she released a groan.

"God Lex, you feel so good," he sighed. His hands were suddenly on her back and the sound of her zipper made her pop back to reality. She dropped her arms and grabbed his biceps, "Kevin we have to stop. I don't want to do anything you'll regret in the morning."

He pulled back slightly, looking flushed and just about as sexy as Alexis had ever seen him. "How could I.. What word did you use?"

"Regret," she whispered in pure amusement.

He attempted to snap his fingers but opted for pointing instead when his fingers for some reason didn't cooperate. "Right... yeah. How could I regret anything with you?"

"As sweet as that is I need to leave."

He wrapped both arms around her waist and kissed her slowly, taking the time to savor every feeling and taste. "I don't want you to go," he whispered quietly, some vulnerability slipping out in his tone.

It was taking all her self control to stand her ground with him pressed against her, his arousal obvious. "I don't want to either but I need to. I'll see you in the morning ok?"

His grip never loosened as she squirmed to get away until she began to laugh softly, "Seriously let me go." With reluctance he finally let her slip free and after a short kiss watched as she left with a soft click of the door closing.

The next morning Alexis opened the door and let Devlin in first who ran over to his dad who was tying his tie and smiled up at him. Ryan grinned down at son and after finishing his tie dropped down to face him better. "Hey Dev, did you have a good night with Castle?"

He clapped his hands together happily, "We played laser tag!"

"Awesome bud. So what are you and Lex doing today?" he asked.

Devlin shrugged, "I don't know yet."

Ryan pointed to his room, "Why don't you go get ready for your day so you're ready to go when you decide? I have to go in a minute so I'll be gone before you're done." Devlin hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek before running to his room.

Alexis watched Ryan for any indication that he remembered last night but he wasn't giving any. She smiled in greeting, "How do you feel today?"

He shrugged, "Fine, I don't get hangovers." He slipped on his coat and grabbed his keys, "Well I'm out of here."

Alexis wasn't sure if she was relieved or bothered that he wasn't acknowledging the hot and heavy night they had. With a heavy heart she walked to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee which she almost spilt when she heard Ryan's voice from behind her proclaim, "Last night shouldn't have happened."

It took everything she had to not cry and was thankful her back was turned to him. "You're right, we were all pretty drunk."

The room fell silent for a moment until Ryan muttered, "Yeah" and walked out of the apartment. As soon as the door closed she allowed her tears to fall, Taylor's words coming back to her.

It was all just a drunken mistake.


	9. Chapter 9

Ryan felt nauseous as he walked into the precinct, in fact he had felt sick since he left the apartment. Everything in him was screaming to fix this, to call Alexis and beg for forgiveness but he didn't because he did the right thing. He was her employer and friend and he couldn't allow whatever was going on between them to continue, it was wrong. When he had graduated high school she was ten, when he had Devlin she was just able to go to rated-R movies. She was young and beautiful and had her entire life ahead of her, he was used and abused and just surviving. No, he did the right thing by turning her down.

Right?

In the stillness of the elevator he turned and banged his head against the interior wall before pulling back and staring at his distorted reflection. What was happening to him, was this what he had wanted? Everything had seemed so new and exciting with Alexis but now everything just hurt. It was so easy to get lost in her, to surround himself with the comfort she provided but he had gone too deep and now he was drowning.

The silver doors slid open and he walked into the bullpen still lost in thought only to almost run into Castle who was coming out of the break room holding two cups of coffee. Castle looked at the smaller man and frowned, "You ok? You look a little green."

Ryan stared at the much taller man, briefly wondering if Castle had always been this large and he just hadn't noticed it. His eyes frantically flickered over the writer's face and tried to determine if he had any idea of what happened last night. Based on the simple fact the he was still breathing it was a safe bet that no, he had no idea. "Yeah, just uh… late night."

Castle grinned, "Yeah, Alexis didn't get back until almost three. She looked like she had a good time though, couldn't stop smiling."

Guilt rose up in him making his throat constrict and he tried to swallow the massive lump in the back of his throat. "Yeah, great time," he croaked. Knowing he had to move away from this topic before he actually became physically ill he asked, "How did your night with Dev go?"

"Amazing, we both wrote short stories and his blew mine out of the water. Kids going to be a writer," he exclaimed happily. "Alexis grabbed it before she left this morning, you should ask her where she put it."

Well that distraction failed miserably. "Yeah, I'll do that and thanks for watching him Castle." Once the larger man strode away Ryan walked to the bathroom and splashed water on his face before staring into the mirror. So far today he had upset the smallest Castle and betrayed the larger one, and it wasn't even nine am yet. He had to get it together, he was falling apart and in a room full of people that were paid to notice minute details that was a very bad thing. With a deep breath he dried off his face and walked into the bullpen to try to accomplish something.

Having nothing in particular to work on he tried to get some paperwork done but every time he would start to write something he would lose his train of thought. He tried repeatedly to get anything done but after the umpteenth attempt he threw his pen down on his desk in frustration and dropped his face into his hands. He felt his heart race increase and tried to stay calm, having an anxiety attack right now would not bode well. His clothes suddenly felt too tight, the collar of his shirt and tie pressed against his neck choking him. His hand reached up and loosened his tie and he ran a hand through his hair. "Keep it together," he whispered under his breath. A hand on his shoulder made him jump out of his seat and glance around with wild eyes.

"It's just me Ryan," Beckett said softly. "You don't look so well, is everything ok?"

He nodded jerkily and out of the corner of his eye he saw Castle and Esposito watching them. "I just need some air." Not waiting for a response he quickly made his way to the stairs and climbed up to the top floor where people hardly ever entered the stairwell and collapsed onto the very top step. "I can do this. I made the right choice." After a while he felt at least a little collected and walked back down the stairs and to his desk, never meeting his partner's questioning eyes.

It was late afternoon at the precinct when someone plopped into the chair by Ryan's desk forcing him to look up from his paperwork to see who is was. A young woman with brown eyes and olive skin sat stiffly giving him an intense look.

"Paige?" He was beyond confused as to why she was here but he had a strong suspicion he was in trouble because she looked beyond pissed.

"Kevin, we're friends right?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess. We've only spoken twice."

She looked around, "Is there somewhere we can talk because I really don't want to emasculate you in front of your coworkers."

His eyebrows shot up, "Whatever I did wrong we can talk about it later, I'm working."

She glanced at his desk where he had only written one sentence, "Yeah working hard, now find a place or I will do this right here." Her eyes drifted over to Beckett and Castle who were watching them closely. She leaned forward and whispered, "Or we can do this in front of Alexis's daddy."

His eyes widened and he stood and grabbed her before dragging her off to the interrogation room after making sure no one was observing. "Ok, what did I do wrong?"

She glared, "You know what you did. Alexis called me and don't you dare mention anything about me being here to her, she has no idea. What the hell were you thinking?"

His jaw dropped, "This has nothing to do with you!"

She jabbed her finger into his chest, "It's my friend which means it has everything to do with me. I thought we were all having fun last night then you go and blow it this morning by opening your mouth."

"There are reasons this can't happen."

Castle, Beckett, and Esposito stood by a desk watching as a young woman with long black hair reamed Kevin, he was clearly trying to defend himself but losing terribly.

"That's Alexis's friend Paige, she took Ryan out last night with Alexis and Taylor," Castle whispered.

Esposito nodded out of reflex since he had already met the raven-tressed beauty but the second half of the sentence caught his attention forcing him to do a double take, "Wait, what?"

"Apparently they decided he needed to get out so they took him to a club." Castle grinned as he fiddled with his phone until holding up a picture of last night that Alexis had sent him. Ryan was seated in the middle of the girls wearing a lopsided smirk and sporting bloodshot eyes while the girls hung all over him. Paige was pulling on his tie and kissing his cheek while Alexis had her head on his shoulder and Taylor had her arms wrapped around him from behind.

Beckett's eyebrows rose and Esposito let out a low whistle, "Looks like my boy had a good night."

Castle laughed as he put his phone away, "Apparently there are a lot more pictures but Alexis informed me they would never see the light of day."

The lead detective shook her head as she smiled, "And you're ok with Alexis hanging out with him in a social setting?"

"Well yeah," he said careful, doubt creeping into his tone. "Why wouldn't I be? They're just friend. Plus this is Ryan we're talking about, I mean has the guy ever even snuck into a movie? He makes vanilla seem spicy."

"He calmed down quite a bit when he met Jenny but he used to party pretty hard. Those guys in narcotics don't mess around; you should have seen some of the places he took me. Ry and I had quite a few questionable weekends," Esposito said with a smirk. At the other two's disbelieving expressions he shook his head, "Really? You've never noticed how excitable he gets sometimes? You two need to pay attention more."

"It's just so not Ryan," Castle commented.

Esposito shrugged, "He's still Ryan, there's just more there than a lot of people see. Like I said we'd go out on the weekends but weeknights he'd just sit home and read. Guy watches more History Channel than anyone I've ever met yet can out dance me any day of the week. Pop lock, ballroom, you name it he can do it."

"Why are we just hearing about this now?" Castle asked in amusement.

The Hispanic man grinned, "Oh the hat goes deeper but I ain't telling."

He internally cringed thinking about just how deep the hat was and how many secrets it held. Ryan had confided in him a few times and he had seen the younger detective during some of his not so greatest moments but no one had any idea about any of it. It's not like he could blame the guy for going off the deep end, if he spent twelve years in Catholic school under strict parents he probably would have gone a little crazy too. No, everyone liked to think Ryan had always been squeaky clean and Esposito wasn't going to be the one to fully shatter the illusion.

Paige sighed heavily and threw her hands up in the air, "Why can't it happen? I know you like her, it's super obvious. I mean look at you, you're a mess."

His eyes drifted to the two-way glass and he cringed at what he saw. The top button on his shirt was undone and his tie hung loosely around his neck over his slightly wrinkled shirt. His hair was in complete disarray from running his hands through it and his eyes looked exhausted. Figuring his day couldn't get any worse he finally just came clean. "You know my wife died?"

She nodded sadly and laid her head on his shoulder. "Alexis told me, I'm so sorry."

"I haven't had a real relationship with anyone since she passed away and now it's been so long I'm afraid I'm just going to screw it up. I like Alexis too much to mess it all up," he admitted finally. "I don't want to drag her down with me into this morbid cocoon I've created."

Paige grinned, "Finally, you're a tough cookie to crack. I can't tell you what to do but will you please just consider the possibility that you and Alexis could be happy together? Please? I know for a fact that she cares for you and your son more than you know. Lex isn't stupid and she never goes into anything blind and you know that." After a few beats she lowered her voice and met his eyes in the glass, "I think you need to ask yourself; are you more scared of your feelings for Alexis or of Alexis's feelings for you?"

"I'll think about everything ok? Why do you even care about all this?" he asked as they both stood.

She walked towards the door away from the window and prying eyes and faced him, "You seem like a really good guy Kevin, for some reason I just really, really like you and I think you deserve to be happy. You kind of give off this lost puppy vibe that Taylor and I just can't ignore." She patted his cheek with a grin, "Keep that chin up Irish, life is too short."

They both exited the room and Ryan rolled his eyes at his team who were all trying to act like they hadn't just watched every thing. Thank goodness they didn't usually go undercover because they were about as smooth as bricks in a blender. He walked Paige to the elevator and said goodbye before walking back to his desk with a whole new set of confusing thoughts.

Esposito rolled his chair over a second later, "So I heard you went out last night."

Without even looking up he shook his head, "No you can't see the pictures."

Esposito glared before spinning himself around forcefully, "Bro, I can't even look at you right now."


	10. Chapter 10

A short time after the sun set Ryan stood outside the door to his apartment trying to figure out what to say to make this better with Alexis. He had gone over every possible scenario and to the best of his knowledge he had messed up so badly he was pretty sure he couldn't fix this. Flowers had caught his eye in a shop window on his way home but that would just be insulting, colorful weeds did not make it ok for him to be an ass. He unlocked the door and stepped in half expecting to be assaulted with a kitchen utensil or pelted with his comic collection but all was calm and quiet, almost eerily so. With some trepidation he began looking around and nearly jumped out of his skin when Alexis's voice sounded from behind him.

"How was work?"

He whipped around, "I..wh.. what? Work? Uh, work was fine." Smooth.

She offered a weak smile as she slipped on her shoes and carefully avoided eye contact, "That's good. Devlin's in his room and I didn't make dinner tonight."

"That's fine, did today go alright?" he asked carefully.

"Everything's fine. I'm a little tired though so I'm going home, I'll see you tomorrow morning." He opened his mouth but she was already slipping out the door. This was bad, a silent woman was never a good thing. Yelling he could deal with, same with just plain bitchiness but the silent treatment meant there was nothing to work with. The problem was obvious, the solution was not.

With a knot in his chest he walked to his son's room and dropped down on the bed next to him. "What do you do when you hurt someone Dev? How do you make it better?"

Devlin turned away from his tv and stared at his dad, "Why did you hurt them daddy?"

Ryan laid down and smiled when his son climbed on top of him and stared down at his face, "I thought I was doing the right thing but it turns out it was the wrong thing."

"So it was an accident? You have to tell them you're sorry, they'll understand."

Envy at the simplicity of a five-year-old mind filled Ryan, if only life was that simple. "What if the person doesn't understand?"

Devlin gave his dad a very serious look, "Then you have to make them." Ryan's eyebrows rose at the pure conviction in the statement and he just stared at his son's profile when he turned back to stare at the tv. How do you make someone understand something? "Daddy we need to bake cookies."

He smiled in amusement at the change in topic, "Oh we need to, and why is that?"

"Cookies make people happy and Lex wasn't happy today. She tried to hide it but I could tell she was crying. We have to make her happy daddy." He floundered as Devlin continued, "Do you know why she was crying? Lex was happy when we left her house."

"Yeah bud, I have a pretty good idea why she was crying," he said hoarsely. "Why don't we have some dinner then we can make cookies?" The answer appeased the blonde haired boy for the time being and with a kiss to his cheek Ryan grabbed him and headed to the kitchen.

The next day was a horrible repeat of the day before, leading with a tense morning and followed by a disastrous day. He was quiet which caused Esposito to be concerned which in turn made Castle curious and Beckett irate that no one was paying attention to the case. Someone had accidentally rubbed against the murder board sometime during the night erasing half of it and the computers were lagging so bad that Ryan and Esposito had to physically go through every single file which ended up taking the better part of the evening. Because of all the distractions and interruptions no one was able to leave the precinct until after ten.

When Ryan got home he for once was thankful that Devlin was already in bed because this tension with Alexis was eating him alive. Not wasting any time he threw his coat onto the couch and headed to the kitchen where he could hear movement. "Hey," he greeted quietly from the doorway, his hands stuffed into his pockets and his shoulders hunched, insecurity and vulnerability obvious in his stance.

Her back was turned and she paused at the sound of his voice for a moment before continuing to wipe off the counter, "How was work?" All couldn't be lost if she still cared enough to ask that particular question.

He shrugged dismissively, "Alright, not the best. How was your day?"

She set the sponge down and wiped her hands on a dishtowel, still not turning. "Fine, Devlin had a good day. We went to the park for a bit after getting ice cream."

"He loves the park but that's not what I asked. How was your day?"

She finally turned and a deep frown covered her beautiful face, "Not my best. So everything's done and I'm going home."

Alexis tried to step around him but he sidestepped at the last second and held his hands up, "Don't. Stay please?" Seeing her reluctance he went for it, after all being direct was sometimes the best option. "We need to talk about Friday, I don't like all this tension between us."

Alexis wrapped her arms around herself and nodded softly as her frown morphed into a tired expression, "I don't either. Look, I get that it was a mistake…"

"Woah," Ryan interrupted. "I never said that. Do you think it was a mistake?"

She finally looked up and shook her head, a small spec of hope blossoming in her heart. With little confidence but a hopeful heart she stepped forward and met his gaze, his azure eyes widening as she entered his personal space. "Kevin I…" This was harder than she thought. "I like you, a lot more than just a friend." The silence that followed was brutal but she held her ground and refused to back down, one way or another when she left tonight she was going to know exactly where they stood.

"This can't happen," he said in a voice so low she barely heard. His heart screamed at him to shut up but his mind just wouldn't stop.

"Why can't this happen? Give me a good reason and I'll let it go," she whispered.

She could tell the words he was about to speak were giving him a bad taste in his mouth, "There's a lot of reasons. You're Castle's daughter, you're younger than me, you're Dev's nanny and he likes you and I don't want to mess that up." He swallowed thickly, "I don't want to mess us up."

Alexis rubbed her hand down the side of his face and watched as his eyes drifted shut and he leaned into the touch. "You're allowed to be happy Kevin, to be selfish sometimes."

Ryan's arm barely moved as his fingers ghosted over her arm in a tentative touch, his expression unsure as his eyes opened again. He looked at the goose bumps that were appearing on her milky skin as his fingers ran over it and his chin trembled slightly as he spoke, "I think you should go."

She stepped even closer until they were almost touching, only a sliver of space between them. "What if I don't want to? For once in your life don't think about consequences, just take what you want."

His hand slid up her arm until gently cupping her face and a moment later his lips were softly pressed against hers. The kiss was slow, unsure, and timid but as it continued both slowly relaxed and melted into each other. Fear still engulfed him but this felt right, he felt safe wrapped around her. She didn't judge him or make him be someone he's not, she just took him as he was. He was a broken man and sometimes it felt that he would never be whole again but in this exact moment, with Alexis pressed against him and his son safely sleeping in his room he had faith that everything would one day be ok.

Alexis smiled against his lips and felt him do the same before pulling back slightly to take in his relaxed features. This was how a first kiss was supposed to be, not a drunken mess like before. He dropped his head again, unable to stop kissing her now that he felt he finally could, was finally allowed. Small hands appeared at his sides and after tugging his dress shirt out of his slacks agile fingers began to slowly undo every button, fingernails gently scraping against his skin with every movement.

A small huff of laughter sounded from her lips when he lifted her shirt over her head with a soft smile, the material dropping to the floor next to the tie she had removed a moment before. The moment was perfect, light and fun, smiles on both their faces and small laughs sounding every so often.

Feather light kisses across her bare shoulders made her bite her lip to not make any sounds, her hands shaking in anticipation as she unbuckled his belt. Her fingers hooked trough his belt loops and she began to lightly tug him towards his room, keeping a careful watch on his expression for any sign that she should stop.

Every step closer to the bedroom Alexis became a little more apprehensive. She wanted this, no doubt in her mind, but small irrational fears began to worm into her conscious. What if he didn't like her body? What if her little experience in the bedroom wasn't good enough? What if...

"Stop thinking," he whispered as his fingers fiddled with her lavender bra strap. "You're perfect."

A blush crept up her neck and cheeks, "You're too smart for your own good." He grinned in response and sealed their lips together again as they reached the doorway.

The sound of a phone ringing brought reality crashing down on them both and Alexis reluctantly released him but didn't move away. Ryan ignored the offending object and just stared at the woman that was finally his, his hands gently tracing down her arms. "You're so beautiful."

Alexis smiled softly and rubbed her hand through his disheveled hair as she looked at his deep blue eyes, his blown pupils more of a compliment than any words could be. Her other hand snaked into his pocket and grabbed his phone before holding it up, "You should answer this."

"I know," he whispered as he placed a feather light kiss on her lips and removed his hands from her soft skin. "Ryan," he answered huskily, his eyes still locked with hers.

Alexis watched as his eyes widened slightly and all lust evaporated in an instant. He listened intently before finally exclaiming, "I'll meet you at the corner." Hanging up he dropped the phone back into his pocket and looked at Alexis, "I have to go, they found the guy we're looking for. Javi's on his way."

She quickly helped him fix his shirt and belt, "Don't worry about anything, I'll stay here until you get back. Go get your guy."

He nodded and grabbed his keys before running towards the door, only pausing once he was already halfway out, "Lex I'm sorry about…"

She shook her head, "Go, I'll be here when you get back." He bit his lip and ran back over before kissing her again and pulling back with an expression of pure joy. "I'll see you when I get back," he said quickly before running out of the apartment.

Alexis ran to his room and dropped down on the bed before shoving her face into a pillow and releasing a squeal of excitement. When she rolled over she stared at the ceiling with a smile so big her cheeks were starting to ache. Her mind started to race and she jumped up and walked over to the mirror to fix her appearance for when he came back. Once satisfied she walked into the living room and sat down on the couch after slipping her shirt back on, her eyes constantly flickering to the time displayed on the cable box. Her smile slowly fell as she wondered if they were ready for this but after a few seconds her smile returned. They had known each other a while now and while they hadn't really been intimate the bond was still there. This could only bring them closer and she prayed that he would learn to love her as much as she loved him.

Almost an hour later her phone rang and she rushed to answer it, her fingers fumbling as she hurriedly pressed the lime green button not even checking to see who it was. "Hello?"

There was a thick silence before her dad's strained voice came over the line, "Honey."

A sick feeling engulfed her as she anxiously asked, "Dad what happened? What's wrong?"

"There was an accident, Ryan's been shot."


	11. Chapter 11

Four shots echoed through the warehouse, the sound coming from extremely close but definitely not inside. Beckett looked at Castle before they started cautiously jogging towards the noise. "Esposito, Ryan what's your 10-20?"

The radio crackled for a moment until Esposito's voice came through the static, "Rear east side, Ryan and I split up to cover more ground. Where'd the shots come from?"

Her and Castle continued moving towards the back alley, "From the alleyway as far as we can tell. Ryan, do you copy?"

Castle felt dread at the silence that followed and when Esposito's voice came on a few seconds later both fell into a full sprint. "Officer down, officer down!"

They burst into the alleyway and frantically looked around, Castle pointed to a dark stretch where movement could be barely seen. With heavy feet they jogged over and when they saw Esposito's pale face they knew it was bad.

"We need a Bus, now," he barked before turning back to his partner, Beckett's voice into her radio just background noise. Castle took Beckett's offered flashlight and turned it on before almost dropping it when it landed on the fallen man.

Ryan wasn't moving as Esposito tried to wrestle his limp body out of his Kevlar vest. Blood was everywhere, coating the vest, Ryan's clothes and Javier's arms all the way to his elbows. His eyes were closed and his entire body was slack as the puddle under him grew. "Come on bro, don't do this to me. Wake up. Wake up damn it!"

Beckett grabbed Castle's quivering hand and met his eyes, "Hold it steady." He nodded shakily as he watched Beckett drop down on the opposite side of Ryan and grab his face. "Open your eyes Ryan, we need you to open your eyes." She held her fingers to his pulse point and dropped her ear next to his mouth. "Pulse is rapid and breathing is labored."

Esposito grabbed his shirt and ripped it open before using the already soaked material to try to wipe away some blood. "Two holes, center and right chest. It's bubbling."

Castle knew what that meant, "His lung is punctured, he can't breath. How'd he even get hit?"

Esposito grabbed the vest and inspected it, "He got shot four times, only two penetrated. Perp must have used cop killers."

The sound of sirens could be heard from a distance but it did nothing to quell the fear that was blanketing everyone as they tried valiantly to get Ryan to open his eyes. Beckett grabbed his face again and slapped him just enough to try to illicit a response, "Kevin open your eyes." When nothing happened she began to lose it. Tears unwillingly collected in her eyes as she lowered her mouth to his ear and whispered harshly, "As your Sergeant I am commanding you to open your eyes. That is a direct order. Open your damn eyes Kevin!"

Castle was just about to pull her away before her behavior hurt Ryan but he sucked in a sharp breath instead when Ryan's eyes slid halfway open and he coughed, blood coating the inside of his mouth and teeth.

Esposito held out his hand for the flashlight from Castle and once he had it in his hands he shined it into Ryan's eyes. "No response, he's got a head injury." He handed it back to Castle before pressing his hands back on the wounds.

Beckett immediately started carefully feeling Ryan's head and looked at the other detective, "There's a lump, he must have fell from the impact. It's not bleeding though." She turned and barked out, "Castle, hold the flashlight still!"

Castle grasped it with both hands to try to keep it steady. This was the first time anyone on the team had been seriously injured and even though they dealt with death everyday he was unprepared for the possibility of one of the team dying. They risked their lives everyday and he had naively thought that they would always be fine. This wasn't one of his books where he could rewrite the ending, this was real life and Ryan was really dying.

When Castle glanced at his two friends he knew that their twin expression matched his. In all their minds they had failed to keep Ryan safe which was unforgivable. Everyone on the team had a role to play and Ryan's happened to be the lovable and innocent little brother that you couldn't help but want to protect and shield from the cruel world that had somehow not yet beaten him down. While it had never actually been discussed, it was still a given that Ryan was the one they all watched over. After all he was the smallest and the youngest and his unwavering optimism made him seem more vulnerable than others. It was like raising a child, you wanted to shield them from reality as long as possible.

"Don't do this to me, you're my partner. You're with me till the wheels fall off and there's no way in hell that's happening tonight," Esposito said as he tried valiantly to staunch the heavy flow of blood.

Everyone could tell the exact moment Ryan became coherent because blind panic shone from his eyes when he realized he couldn't breath. He was shaking violently from the blood loss and looked at his partner with wide fear filled eyes as he tried to suck in breaths around all the blood. Esposito grabbed his face with one hand and placed his forehead against the other man's trying to provide comfort. "Try to relax. Small breaths. I got you bro."

Castle could only watch helplessly as Ryan continued to try to get air and failed every time. Esposito held him close, his blood coated hands standing out against Ryan's colorless skin. Ryan's trembling hand wrapped around Esposito's wrist and he opened his mouth but no words came out, just more blood. "Don't talk bro." He let out a watery laugh, "Remember our third case together? That guy that they found in the soda cooler? Your clumsy ass tripped over the curb and I caught you. I told you I'd never let you fall and you said it was the cheesiest thing anyone's ever said to you."

Ryan's nod was barely perceptible. "No matter how cheesy that still hold true Ry, I'm right here and I'm not going to let you fall."

"Where the hell is the Bus?" Beckett wondered aloud, her normally commanding and steady voice wavering.

Her question was answered as flashing lights appeared at the mouth of the alley and a second later two EMT's jumped out of the back and ran forward with a stretcher. "What do we have?"

Beckett stood up, "Two GSW's to the chest." With some difficulty and help from Castle they forced Esposito back so the two medics could work. They could only watch helplessly as they moved him onto the stretcher and started for the ambulance, words like hemorrhaging and hypoxia spilling from their lips. Once the door closed and it pulled away Esposito looked at them both, "Come on."

At the hospital they arrived just as Ryan did and horror filled them when they saw one of the EMT's was on top of him doing chest compressions, a frantic air surrounding him. "Crashed once, he's in respiratory arrest." Castle overheard the EMT convey to the doctor, "He's NYPD."

Nurses appeared from seemingly no where and grabbed the gurney before pushing past stark white double doors, a crimson trail on the pristine tile the only evidence he had even been there.

Alexis braced herself against the counter as her knees began to give out. "Is he alive?" she asked fearfully, her hands clenched so tightly around the phone her fingers were beginning to ache.

Castle rushed on, his voice quiet indicating he was in a waiting room at the hospital. "He's alive as far as we know. He's in surgery. Can you take care of his son right now? Do you want me to come over there?"

Huge tears began to fall down her face, "I, I don't know what I want. Um… no, stay there. Call me as soon as you hear anything." As soon as the call disconnected she slid to the floor and covered her mouth to try to stifle the full body sobs that were overtaking her. This couldn't be happening, this was all just a horrible joke because if it was true, if this really happened…

This was her fairy tale; falling in love with someone like she never had before and now that he had shown he felt something for her everything was supposed to wrap up nicely with a large bow on top. Except this was real life and fairy tales didn't exist, instead of happy endings life was full of pain and uncertainty, death and destruction.

She forced herself off the floor and shakily walked to Kevin's room and climbed under the covers, surrounding herself with his scent. Hot tears burned her skin as they fell slowly onto his pillow, each salty drop a broken hope, acceptance of a bitter truth. He wasn't dead she kept reminding herself but the ache inside her didn't cease with that knowledge. She had no idea if she would ever see his boyish amused grin again or get to rake her fingers through his soft auburn hair. She might never get to tell him that she loved him, more than she thought she could ever love someone.

After hanging up Castle walked back over to Beckett and Esposito who were standing and pacing around, their adrenalin making it impossible to even try to sit down. Esposito looked at him, "What do we do about Dev?"

Castle grabbed his shoulder, "Everything's going to be fine. We'll figure everything out as it comes."

"I should have been there, this is my fault. I didn't have his back," Esposito said hoarsely. "Dev can't lose another parent."

Beckett grabbed his shoulders tightly and forced him to meet her eyes, "This is not your fault, this is the bastard who shot him's fault and we will find him. We've got uniforms canvassing the area and an APB out on him. Keep it together Espo, Ryan needs us right now."

Hours later a lone figure dressed in scrubs walked into the room and looked down at his clipboard. "Are you all here for Kevin Ryan?" At their frantic nods he glanced down again, "Is one of you Javier Esposito?"

"Is he ok?" Castle interrupted. The doctor glanced over and nodded, "He's alive but I can only relay specific information to family. The only person he has listed on anything though is a Mr. Esposito."

The detective stepped forward, "That's me. We can talk here just tell us what's going on."

The doctor launched into technical terms and explanations but Esposito only caught the things that stuck out the most. Not breathing, collapsed lung, barely missed heart, flat lined twice, cracked ribs, won't wake up. "Wait, what do you mean you don't know when he'll wake up? Like a day, week, what?"

The man shook his head helplessly, "We don't know, it's up to him when he wakes up. He hit his head pretty hard when he fell which caused his brain to swell, that's what's causing his comatose state. I was surprised when the EMT's informed me he was lucid when they got to him. The next forty-eight hours are critical but we've done all we can at this point." He stopped speaking and waited for questions but none came. "I have rounds to make but if you need anything just ask the nurses."

All three watched the man walk away, Esposito collapsing into a chair as all his adrenaline left him in an instant. He was alive but they didn't know when he would wake up, it didn't feel that reassuring. A hand on his shoulder made him turn and meet Beckett's concerned stare. "Is there anyone we should call Esposito? What about his sisters?"

"Ryan's not real close with his family, hasn't been for a while. We're all the family he's got." Esposito stared down the hallway where they had taken Ryan and stood abruptly before walking away.

Beckett watched sadly and covered her face with her hand as she finally let her emotions surface. A strong arm wrapped around her shoulder and she leaned into the embrace, burying her face in her companion's shirt and wept.

Esposito burst though the emergency entrance doors and walked a ways down the sidewalk before his legs finally gave out and he slid down the brick exterior of the hospital. He stared up at the night sky through blurry eyes and grabbed the rosary out of his pocket that he always carried. With hands clenched tightly around the silver cross his lips began to move as wet lines trailed down his face, "Padre nuestro, que estás en el cielo…"


	12. Chapter 12

It has been said there are five stages of grief, each one an emotional stage experienced when faced with the reality of impending death or other awful fates.

Denial.

Castle busied himself in his kitchen making breakfast for himself, his daughter, and Devlin. He whistled softly as he chopped up pieces of pre-cooked bacon and dropped them into the skillet along with some mushrooms. This was just a normal morning he thought to himself as he poured a small glass of milk for the tiniest Ryan and set it on the table. Everything is going to be just fine because it always is, they had faced hardships before and always came out on top. With a firm nod he returned to the skillet and flipped the omelet closed before setting it on a plate and getting started on another. If Ryan could survive everything else he had been through than this was no big deal, after all people got shot everyday and survived. Yes, Ryan would be just fine.

Anger.

Beckett grunted as her fist connected with the punching bag, sweat trickling down her spine as she released a roundhouse kick to the sand filled object. Her breath came in deep pants as she poured her emotions into a vicious attack, it had already been two hours and she had no plans to stop any time soon. It wasn't fair that her partner was in the hospital; it wasn't fair that the man who had done it was still running free. Her hands throbbed yet she didn't let up, couldn't let up. She should have been there and prevented it; after all she was in charge. She was the leader, the one that kept them all safe. This was all her fault.

Bargaining.

Esposito sat in the back pew at the small church down the street from his apartment and stared intently at the large crucifix behind the alter. He hadn't been here in what seemed like years, either too busy or just not wanting to go someplace which reminded him of his sins. Yet here he sat praying to God to let his partner, his best friend, live in exchange for anything he saw fit. They had gotten to see Kevin after he was operated on and when his mocha gaze had fallen across his shattered partner he knew he would do anything to take his place. Ryan had a son, he had nothing except an unstable relationship. He would literally give anything to give him even just one more day.

Depression.

Alexis rolled over in her bed and stared blankly at the wall, the blankets pulling as she hugged the pillow she had stolen from Kevin's house closer. She could hear her dad and Devlin talking downstairs but she didn't attempt to move. Why even bother? Everything just seemed so unimportant now, from getting out of bed to even functioning. The first few days she had held out hope but now it just felt like there was no point. Kevin was in the hospital, caught in a horrible limbo between life and death. The doctors didn't sound optimistic and neither did anyone else. He was going to die, and her heart was going to die with him.

Acceptance.

The doctor stared at the chart at the base of the bed and read carefully over every note before setting it down and checking the different monitors. Everything was stable, just as it had been for days yet Detective Ryan was not waking up. It was never easy for him when a patient died or when he couldn't help them recover properly. It was easy to feel helpless but after a while you learn to accept that you can't change certain things. It took him years to realize that acceptance isn't giving up or failure, but a way to step back and shift your focus for the well-being of yourself and others. With a last look at his patients face he left the room.

Detective Kate Beckett walked slowly down the modestly sized hall at the hospital towards a room she had spent way too much time in recently. She pushed open the heavy wood door and walked to the seat that her entire team had sat in at various times, always alone and never as a group. The captain was being lenient with them and allowing them to slip away one at a time, which she appreciated because if everyone's mind was on Ryan it left room for error and these short visits seemed to be keeping them focused. Today was her day to spend some time with Ryan, her day to try to keep him company even though she was pretty sure he had no idea she was there. Same as every time she had visited she sat down and scooted the chair closer before grabbing his hand and softly rubbing it, just like her mom had done for her when she was younger.

He looked better and for that she was thankful. It had been difficult to see him at first looking so frail with tubes and monitors snaking around his deathly pale and completely lax face. Recently they had removed most of them since he was finally able to breathe on his own and even though it had nothing to do with him waking up it still felt like at least some progress was being made.

She began to speak softly to him, her words simply thoughts that she knew would never be repeated. "We're all pretty worried about you Ryan, but then again we always are a little. I remember when you first showed up to homicide, I almost thought Captain was joking when he said you were my new recruit. I had seen you before and even though I knew you were a cop you never looked or acted like it. You looked so excited on our first case, you couldn't even stand still and you had this smile on your face like a little kid that's just been told Christmas was coming early. Your suit was a hair too big and you looked like you didn't quite belong there but first case you proved you did. When we wrapped it up you looked so proud, you've always been so eager to please. I can't believe how long it's been since then, I've watched you grow from an over zealous kid with the most hideous ties to one of the cities finest detectives, complete with tailored three piece suits." With a sigh and a sad smile she looked at his face, "It's time to wake up Kevin. Please wake up."

Wake up.

Fear. Panic. Dark.

Can't breath. Pain.

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

Ryan opened his eyes and blinked rapidly against the bright lights as he sucked in a deep breath and began to cough. His vision slowly came into focus and he looked to his right where Beckett was staring at him in shock, her hand tightly clenched around his.

He frowned at her silence and looked around before looking back at his boss. She handed him the bottle of water she had brought and hadn't touched and swallowed thickly. "You're awake."

Confusion appeared on his face and he nodded at the seemingly obvious statement as he took a sip.

Snapping herself out of her stupor she offered a hesitant smile, "Do you remember what happened, why you're here?"

"The alleyway," he began, his voice scratchy from not being used. His eyes widened as memories rapidly surfaced. "He shot me. How long has it been?"

Beckett quietly answered, "Nine days, we weren't sure you were going to make it." Seeing Ryan's rising panic she rushed on to make sure he didn't get too wound up. "Devlin's fine, he's been with Castle and Alexis this entire time. They've been taking really good care of him and bringing him to school. Esposito and I have been checking on him too."

Ryan relaxed slightly, "Does he know?"

She shook her head, "He knows you got hurt but that's all, no one knew what you would want us to say."

"That's good. Wayne, the guy that shot me, did you find him?"

She looked away and shook her head, "We've looked everywhere but haven't found anything yet. We'll find him though, I promise you." A heavy silence filled the room and Beckett stood, "I'm going to get your doctor to let him know you're awake then I'm going to call everyone all right? I'm glad you're ok Kevin."

He nodded distractedly, "Me too Kate."

A while later Esposito wandered into the room with a massive grin, "What some guys will do to get out of paperwork…"

Ryan couldn't help how his eyes lit up when he saw his best friend, the bright blue pools shining brightly among the dullness of his complexion. "Hey Javi!"

"They treating you right here?"

"I'm assuming so, don't really remember," he answered. He saw his partner's expression falter and before Esposito could even open his mouth he cut him off. "It's not your fault."

He dropped into the chair by the bed, "How can you say that bro? I'm supposed to have your back, I should have been there with you. You were bleeding out in that alleyway and I wasn't even there." That simple fact and the image of finding him would forever be burned into his brain.

"It wouldn't have changed anything if you were. Plus how were you supposed to cover me and check the interior? You were where you were supposed to be and I'm fine," he said.

Esposito looked at Ryan and shook his head, "You're not fine." Even after almost a week he still had no color. His entire face, including his lips were still a pasty color. "It'll never happen again Ry, I'll be there next time."

Ryan huffed in exasperation, "You were there this time but whatever makes you feel better."

Esposito still felt guilty but no more words could be said about the matter. A knock grabbed both their attention and a small face appeared around the door, "Daddy!"

Javier grabbed the sprinting boy just before he launched onto his dad and gently sat him on the edge of the bed, "Slow down little dude, dad's a little under the weather right now."

Devlin nodded and scooted over until his small hands grabbed both sides of Ryan's face, "You always tell me to be careful then you get hurt. You have to listen to yourself daddy."

Ryan couldn't help the small laugh that escaped him, "You're absolutely right bud. So I heard you were staying with Castle and Lex."

He nodded excitedly, "We made forts, and watched movies, and played games, and had breakfast for dinner, and finger painted, and lots of other stuff."

"That sounds great Dev." He yawned widely and looked around, "Who're you here with buddy?"

"Lex and her daddy, she's talking to Beckett and Castle is parking. Daddy what happened?"

"How about I tell you later ok? Once I get home," he said with a soft smile.

He yawned again watched as his partner stood and looked at his son, "Why don't we go get something to eat dude? Say goodbye to your dad and we'll come back later ok?"

"No!" Both men startled at the shout and Ryan fought off a wince when Dev crawled closer to him and grabbed his neck tightly. With a subtle glance at the door his partner stepped out and Ryan looked down at his trembling son.

"Hey Dev, everything's ok. I'm right here buddy and I'm not going anywhere," he whispered into his hair. "I'll never leave you, ever. Do you want to talk about this?"

The little boy shook his head, "No."

"Ok." He tried valiantly to stay awake but the warmth from his son and the quiet of the room was just too much and with a small yawn he fell back asleep.

Hearing silence for a while Esposito reentered the room and gently detangled a sleeping Devlin from his dad and picked him up. In a rare show of affection he gently grasped his partner's forearm and squeezed, his thumb rubbing back and forth over pale skin. He's alive. Ry's alive.

When Ryan woke for the second time that day the only one in the room was Alexis who was sitting next to the bed just watching him silently. "You're awake," she whispered with relief when he opened his eyes.

He smiled tiredly as he tried to get his eyelids to cooperate, "Hey Lex." It was silent again and he pried open his eyes to look at the other person and frowned heavily when he saw tears running down her face. "Don't cry, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" she asked in disbelief. "You almost died. I couldn't come see you because dad wouldn't let me, he said it would just upset me. I had no idea if would live. It's been horrible."

He guiltily looked down, "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I'm just glad you're ok." She grabbed his hand and skimmed her thumb across his knuckles. "When dad called me I couldn't even believe it, it had only been forty eight minutes since you left." She shook her head to get rid of the thoughts and smiled weakly, "I'm just glad you're ok. I never want to get a phone call like that again."

He looked away again, "I'm sorry. I keep going over it in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I should have been faster or paid more attention."

She shook her head, "Don't think like that. Nothing can change what happened. So when do you get to go home?"

"After I woke up and Beckett called everybody the doctor came in. Said everything seems fine so I should be able to go home day after tomorrow, I just have to find somebody to stay with me since I can't lift Dev or do much for a while."

Hearing that he didn't wake up alone lifted a huge guilty weight from her shoulders and she made a quick mental note to thank Kate when next time they were together. She lightly ran her fingernails over his wrist and hand, "I'll stay with you."

He looked at her in shock, "What? You don't have to; I don't even have another room for you. I can call one of my sisters or something." His tone clearly stated just how much he did not want to resort to that.

"It's up to you but I'd really like to help and as for another room I can just stay on the couch, it's pretty comfy."

He was quiet as he contemplated the offer and nibbled on his bottom lip, "I can't ask you to take care of Dev and I but if you want to I would be forever grateful."

"Done and done." Her eyes flickered to the hallway where Kate was milling around and talking on her cell phone. "I wish everyone wasn't here, I want to kiss you so bad."

He smiled tiredly, "I know the feeling."

"You look tired, do you want me to go?"

"No!" he said quickly before blushing at his outburst. She tightened the grip on his hand and just sat quietly with him, both relishing in the simple comfort that the other could provide without any words. The sound of her dad's voice in the hallway made her glance at Ryan before removing her hand from his.

Alexis stood and made sure no one was looking before she rubbed her hand down the side of his face affectionately, softly kissing his chapped lips and his forehead. "I don't want to go."

"Than don't," he said desperately. "Don't leave me here."

His words broke her heart, the pure fear in his tone almost enough to make her stay. "Kevin listen to me. Now isn't the time for my dad to find out about us. I need you to stay here and get better so you can come home and be with Dev and I. You have no idea how badly I want to stay with you. Don't be scared ok?" She hurriedly glanced out the blinds before kissing him again. "I l... I'll see you when you get home ok?"

He nodded and watched helplessly as she exited the room.

A minute later Castle entered slowly and much more subdued than Ryan had ever seen him. "Hey Castle," Ryan greeted cheerily, it was slightly forced but none the less he was happy to see him. He felt guilty that he hadn't spoken to him about Alexis but it's not like he had really had the time.

The writer offered a small smile before sliding into the chair his daughter had just occupied. He took in his friends appearance and was taken back by how almost childlike he looked tucked into the bed, his small frame buried under mounds of blankets and his wide eyes shining as innocently as always.

Ryan saw his uncomfortable expression and his smile dropped a fraction, "Everything ok?"

Mentally slapping himself Castle nodded, "Yes, so I see Rip Van Winkle has awoken from his slumber."

"Had to at some point, this bed sucks." When the room fell quiet Ryan finally frowned and looked closely at his friend who was staring at the heart rate monitor like it was the secret to life itself. "What's got you so knotted up?"

Castle startled and looked at him guiltily and wasn't going to continue but Ryan's worried expression made him be honest. "I'm just glad you're ok."

Ryan instantly understood. "That's the first time mortality's been shoved in everyone's face since you started huh?" At the other man's nod he broke eye contact and stared at the wall in front of him. "It's hard when you feel helpless."

Castle leaned forward and placed his hands on the edge of the bed, "I just stood there and did nothing. Esposito and Kate jumped right in to help but I didn't do anything."

"Yes you did," Ryan said calmly. "You held the flashlight and were there for Javi and Beckett. It's not how big a part you play it's what you do with it that matters. I appreciate you staying with them after it happened."

"How could I not," he asked incredulously. "I know I'm not a cop or anything but…"

Ryan nodded, "You're still part of the team."

The room fell silent again until Castle's eye widened, "How did you know I held the flashlight?" His voice dropped to a whisper, "Do you remember everything?"

Ryan licked his lips and glanced behind Castle at the window, "I remember everything I was coherent for. Wayne, falling, trying to get air, the panic, you and Beckett, Javi talking to me." The blanket moved as he shifted and stared down at the ugly blue fabric, "Everything was going well for once, and then this happened. Dev's been so happy lately and Lex and I finally..." His eyes widened as he promptly stopped talking and tried to think of anything to change topics with. "I can't thank you enough for taking care of Dev."

A small line appeared on the writer's forehead and an uncomfortable feeling settled in his subconscious at Ryan's nickname for his daughter and the aborted words. "You don't have to thank me, he's always a pleasure. We weren't sure if we should call your family to take care of him but Esposito said not to."

Ryan stiffened at the hidden question and skittered around it, "Dev's happy with Alexis and you, you guys did great."

Now wasn't the time for personal questions so he simply smiled. "Well I better let you get some rest, you need anything you call alright? For Dev or anything."

He was so sincere and guilt about Alexis rose up again. "I will. Hey uh… Castle?" he started hesitantly.

"Yes?"

Ryan opened his mouth but snapped it shut a second later, "Never mind."


	13. Chapter 13

The next day Ryan was finally able to get out of the bed he was slowly becoming a part of, 'part of the crew, part of the ship' for some reason popped into his head. After a shower that felt so absolutely wonderful he didn't want to get out he was able to dress in scrub bottoms and a white shirt instead of another horrendous gown. The highlight of his day was that he actually got to walk around but it unfortunately left him exhausted, his body not used to walking after being sedentary for so long. He had done well enough though that he got the all clear to leave tomorrow which was a good thing since his insurance wasn't going to keep paying for him being here anymore. Feeling the pull of sleep he let his eyes close and fell asleep, a soft smile on his face at the thought of going home to his son and Alexis. When he woke again he just stared at the ceiling until a calm voice next to him said, "About time you wake up."

He sat up and looked over at the woman who was flipping through a magazine and sipping iced tea through a long green straw. "Hey Lanie."

She smiled warmly and set down her magazine, "Hi honey. You feeling alright today?" He nodded and watched as her expression quickly shifted from pleased to pissed. "Im'ma smack you then! What were you doing running around getting shot at and don't you tell me that's your job. I about had a heart attack when Javi called me and then when I could finally get here you wouldn't wake up." She finally took in a breath and blew it out slowly through her nose, calming herself. "I'm just glad you're alright. I read your chart and I'll tell you sugar, the 'Luck o' the Irish' must be a real thing because you are one lucky boy."

Ryan shrunk at her scolding and looked at her through wounded eyes.

"Don't you give me those puppy dog eyes, that won't work on me." When he kept doing it she finally grinned and shook her head, "I always did have a soft spot for you Kevin Ryan."

He smiled cheekily and glanced outside the room for a second before looking back to Lanie who was watching with an arched brow. "Hoping for somebody else? Maybe someone with red hair and a daddy that would skin you alive if he knew what was going on?"

Denying something to Lanie was like pouring liquor into an already full glass, pointless and messy. "I uh..."

"Don't you lie to me, I know something's going on and you're going to tell me what it is," she exclaimed seriously. "I may have to spend all day around stiffs but I have a pretty good eye on the living and you've had quite a smile on your face since she showed back up from college."

Knowing he had no choice he braced himself for the worst and quietly answered, "We may or may not be... dating." Lanie should play a lot of poker he decided in that instant because her face never changed, she didn't even blink. She should also be a ninja because her hand came out of nowhere before slapping the back of his head.

"What in the world made you think that was a good idea? I like you sugar but you sure are an idiot sometimes. She's fresh out of college honey, she's in a different place than you." She grabbed his hand and shook her head, "I don't want you getting hurt."

Confusion and surprise shone in his blue eyes, "You're worried about me? I thought you'd be concerned about Lex."

"Oh, Lex is it?" she said dryly before squeezing his hand a little. "I care about Alexis, we all do but it's you I'm worried about honey. Your face was made for smiles, not frowns."

"Well I might be naïve and stupidly optimistic but I think it's going to work out. She's staying with me when I go home so I guess we'll see if it does or not."

She took a long sip from her tea and eyed him critically, "I hope for your sake it does and don't worry about me telling anyone. While I do love office secrets I know better than to tell anyone about this. You have to deal with papa Castle, not me."

"Thanks Lanie."

"You ok?" she asked as she watched him rub his fingers across his forehead with a grimace.

"I just have a headache, they come and go because of the concussion. I just can't wait until this is over and everything goes back to normal." He looked down at his hands, "I can't even take care of my son right now." This concussion was really starting to bug him. His thoughts seemed to tumble out of him without consent and his emotions were erratic at best. At least it was Lanie here and she wouldn't tease him.

"Alexis is going to be there and this isn't forever. You survived; the hardest part is already over. Don't worry about anything, we'll all help anyway we can."

A sad smile flashed across his face, "Thanks." To his surprise she stayed quite a while, telling him all about what's been happening at the precinct and even gossiping about Castle and Beckett though she swore him to secrecy with the threat of bodily harm. It was nice to have company, his family may not be here but he sure wasn't hurting for attention and the thought warmed him.

Late the next morning Ryan sat in his hospital bed idly flipping through channels while he waited for his ride home. He was still exhausted and weak but that was to be expected after spending over a week in the hospital with everyone waking you up every single hour and losing mass amounts of blood.

His finger pressed down on the channel button again and he shook his head, "How do people watch this crap?" A rapid knock on the door grabbed his attention and his entire face lit up when he saw whom it was.

"Javi, thank God. Get me out of here bro." He had wanted Alexis to pick him up and visit him today but when he had called her last night she had told him that she had to get Devlin to school in the morning and get his apartment ready for them all to return. It made sense, after all most of his food was probably expired since no one had really been there since he got shot. Plus Esposito had sounded pretty adamant about bringing him home.

Esposito's eyebrows lifted in amusement, "Anxious are we? Well they said you already signed the papers so lets get your raggedy ass home."

"Hey, at least I finally got to shave," he said as he defended himself. "I looked like a hobo." If there was one thing Ryan could not stand it was a messy appearance. He liked to be clean cut at all times and his clothes needed to be wrinkle free and unstained. Even his shoes needed to be clean of any dirt or debris. He took pride in his appearance and this hospital had made him suffer without a razor blade for over a week. Never mind that he wasn't wake for most of it, it was still inhuman. Savages.

He eyed the black and silver wheelchair in front of his partner and pointed at it like it was going to attack him, "I'm not getting in that."

Esposito fought an eye roll, "You have to its hospital policy. Just get in it if you want to leave. Don't worry about your pride, you lost it in my eyes when you drooled on my shoulder during that stake out two years ago."

Ryan carefully lifted himself up and walked over to the chair, "We were there for six hours and you drank all the coffee, that was not my fault." He winced when his wounds protested the movement but Esposito wisely stayed silent.

Javier was surprised how easily his partner fell for his diversion; his concussion must still be affecting him pretty badly. "Whatever helps you sleep at night bro. So who's staying with you because if you need me to I will," he asked.

Ryan was glad Javier couldn't see his face because he could feel the heat from his blush on his cheeks, "Thanks bro but Alexis said she would, I mean she's already there most of the time for Dev anyway."

He suddenly got a strong feeling he was missing something very obvious and important but the thought fled him before he could latch onto it. Still slightly distracted he rolled him to the front doors and waited for him to stand before they began walking to his car. "Makes sense, think she can handle you whining for a couple months?"

"I'm not that bad and it won't take that long," he said as his partner helped him into the car. "You're a lot worse than me and old too. I'll bounce back in no time."

"I am not old," he grumbled. "I'm perfectly aged like a fine wine."

Ryan snorted, "You know who says things like that? Old people."

The easy banter continued until they arrived at Ryan's building and the universe seemed to favor them today since there was a spot right in front. Once both men were out of the car and inside they stood at the bottom of the stairs, the jutting steps looking more and more like Everest. "I've never resented stairs before," Ryan finally said.

"Come on bro," Esposito instructed before carefully walking behind him providing a safety net and support. By the time they made it to the top Ryan was exhausted and barely able to stay upright as his legs trembled. Javier wrapped his arm around his partner and took most of the weight off and led him down the hall. "Your building needs an elevator, that was ridiculous," he angrily spat as he tightened his grip on his younger friend who was barely shuffling along now. It only took one knock for the door to swing open revealing an anxious looking Alexis and excited Devlin.

Ryan smiled tiredly at them and let Esposito take him wherever he wanted which ended up being the couch. It was only a few minutes before sleep grabbed him. Esposito and Alexis watched as Devlin grabbed a blanket and after carefully placing it over his dad climbed onto the opposite end of the couch and hugged his dad's leg tightly.

Esposito followed Alexis to the kitchen so they could talk normally. "So Ry said you were staying with him. If you need anything call me."

She quickly nodded, "Did you get all his medication?"

"Yeah all right here, they've got him on enough pain pills to take down an elephant," he said with a grimace as he placed the white bag on the counter. "Anyway make sure he keeps taking them because if he lets them wear off it's going to get bad fast. Did you talk to the doc at all?"

"No," she answered. "I never got a chance to."

Esposito opened a cabinet and grabbed out some chips before sticking a few in his mouth, "Ry got a bad concussion so watch for confusion and mood swings, that's why he wouldn't wake up too. Make sure you watch him close." He stuffed more chips in his mouth as he tried to think of anything else he needed to tell her. "They took out his stitches today but he still has the dissolving ones in so he can't sit in stagnant water for three more weeks. Um… minimal physical activity for four to six weeks but I don't think he'll be back to work for a while." He snapped his fingers, "Oh yeah. Doc said he lost like ten pounds in the hospital and we both know he didn't have anything to lose before. Try and fatten him up if you can, dude's getting scrawny."

She looked a little overwhelmed but smiled anyways, "I can do this."

"Yes you can," he agreed. "Ry's my boy so I'll be around as much as I can." They both reentered the living room and Alexis smiled sadly at a slumbering Devlin who was clutching his sleeping father's leg like a lifeline.

"Devlin missed him so much. He was convinced Kevin wasn't coming back." I was too.

The detective felt guilt burst forth at his broken partner on the couch with his petrified son. He would have done anything to take his place but he couldn't, all he could do now was try to be there for him as much as possible. "I have to get back to work, Cap only gave me a couple hours." With a final wave she was left alone, two lives completely in her hands.

Ryan was pulled from his nap by a soft voice, "Time to wake up Kevin." His eyes slid open and it took his a moment for him to figure out where he was and why he had been asleep. Alexis's hand appeared in front of his face and he looked up at her. "You need to take your medication. Here." He took the offered water and swallowed down the pills before trying to move a little. One glance at his feet and he stilled.

"How long has he been sleeping?" he asked as he stared at his son.

"As long as you have, which is about three hours. Should I wake him up?"

"I will," he whispered and carefully moved his leg to nudge his son awake. When sleepy eyes met his he smiled easily. "Hey buddy."

Now wide awake he excitedly exclaimed, "Hi daddy! I'm glad you're home."

When his son moved off of him he gingerly sat up and tried as best as he could to not show any discomfort in front Dev. Once upright Devlin cautiously moved closer and hugged his arm. "Guess what?"

"What?" Ryan asked as his son's smile grew. His eyebrows shot up when Devlin stuck a small finger in his mouth and wiggled one of his bottom teeth. "Is that a loose tooth?"

Dev nodded and Alexis let out a laugh at how excited both were.

"When it falls out I'll put it under my pillow and the tooth fairy will come."

Ryan nodded, "You are exactly right buddy." He watched his son wiggle it some more and rubbed a hand through his hair as his smile slowly fell. Every time something happened with Dev it was bittersweet, he was happy to see Dev growing but everything never felt quite complete without Jenny there.

Devlin suddenly pulled away from him and ran over to Alexis, "See Lex!" She fought off a grimace at the motion and met his eyes. "Awesome Dev, you know what goes really well with loose teeth? Homemade mashed potatoes, want to help me make them?" Still wiggling his tooth he wandered to the kitchen, Alexis following closely.

When night fell Alexis put Devlin to sleep and busied herself getting ready for bed. Behind the closed bathroom door she idly ran a brush though her hair as she thought about the day. She hadn't realized it until this moment but today had been extremely domestic, just like her entire time here. A stress line appeared on her forehead as her hands began to braid her hair. She was practically taking Jenny's place, was Ryan all right with this? Was Devlin?

She finished her braid and shook her head; she wasn't taking Jenny's place because the shoes she had left behind would never be filled. All she was doing was lending comfort and support to a family that needed it and the thought made her smile. Yes she was young and stepping into something she had no idea about but she knew that she could do it. With soft steps to not wake Devlin she clicked off the light and wandered to the kitchen to make sure everything was turned off and cleaned up.

When she opened the fridge to grab out a bottle of water she frowned at the leftovers from dinner. Ryan had hardly eaten anything at all, only enough to keep his stomach settled with all the medication he was still on. She needed to get him to eat more or he would never get the weight he had lost back on. His weight was still healthy, thank goodness, but his cheekbones were much more pronounced and his cheeks were more hallowed than before.

With a final look she switched off the light and headed to Ryan's room to make sure he took his medication before bed. She found him passed out in his bed propped up against some pillows, tv still on. "Kevin."

Apparently he wasn't fully asleep because he instantly responded and opened his eyes, "Yeah?"

"Did you take everything you're supposed to?" she asked as she entered the room and switched off the tv since he wasn't watching it anyway. When he nodded she pointed to the door, "Do you need anything before I go to bed?"

"No I'm good," he answered as he moved the pillows and got comfortable underneath the comforter, his pajamas twisting around him. He hated wearing anything but boxers to bed, the clothes always wrapping around him uncomfortably but with Alexis here he didn't want to make this awkward. "I feel bad about you sleeping on the couch."

"Don't," she said softly. "It'll work just fine."

He let his eyes slip close, "Sleep with me." His eyes suddenly snapped open as he blushed, "I'm blaming that one on the medication. I meant you could sleep in here, you know… if you wanted to. It's comfier. Up to you."

Smothering a laugh at his blush she crossed her arms, "Do I need to worry about my feminine virtue?"

"No my lady, your virtue shall remain intact," he said with a tired grin. With a giggle she went to the living room and grabbed her pillow before returning to the room. After clicking off the light she walked to opposite side of the bed and climbed in under the blanket. "These sheets are really soft."

She could hear the smile in his tone, "I know, you spend a third of your life sleeping. Splurging on sheets is totally worth it."

The two laid in silence for a few minutes until Alexis hesitantly asked, "Are you sure you're ok with this? I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything, I can go sleep on the couch."

"As long as you don't flail around tonight and hit me in the chest we'll be fine," he said with a soft laugh. "I haven't gotten a kiss from you all day." He hadn't meant to say it out loud but at least this slip could work in his favor.

Alexis moved closer, "A travesty."

"Yes it is," he agreed before her lips were on his. It only took a second even for his muddled brain to realize that something was wrong, that there was entirely too much emotion pouring off of her and that the kiss was more desperate than loving. "Everything's ok, I'm here and alive," he whispered when she finally pulled back.

She let out a watery laugh, "I know. I was just so convinced you weren't ever going to come home." Wiping away her tears she rolled back to her side and grabbed his hand underneath the covers and wrapped her fingers around his wrist searching for his pulse point. Feeling the steady beat she finally relaxed.

"Tell me a secret," she whispered out of the blue a short time later. She half expected him to not answer or ask why she was even asking but he instantly spoke, completely used to random questions after having a child.

"I'm terrified of turkeys. I got attacked when I was eight and now the only time I get near them is when I'm eating them. I savor every bite, tastes like revenge and victory."

Smothered laughter met his ears and he was thankful he had made her smile. "You want another one?" She squeezed his wrist and laughed when he said, "When I was little I kept running into our sliding glass door. My mom had to put a homemade stop sign on it for me to finally notice when it was closed."

She laughed quietly picturing an out of control mini Kevin and glanced over at him in the dark room. From the light filtering in through the blinds she could see his eyes were closed and when she listened closely she could hear that his breathing had evened out indicating he was asleep. Her hand reached out and barely grazed the warm skin of his arm before she softly whispered, "I love you Kevin Ryan."


	14. Chapter 14

When morning came Alexis blinked awake sleepily and after a few disoriented seconds she remembered where she was. She rolled over and sat up slightly to look at Kevin who was fast asleep, his breathing steady except for a small wheeze every few breaths. Not wanting to wake him she carefully climbed out of the bed and padded out into the living room where after checking on Dev she peeked through the blinds at the day. It was raining and she sucked in a deep breath to savor the earthy smell.

She walked to the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee and tasted the bitter brew once it was finished before gagging and adding sugar and milk. "How does he drink it like that?" she whispered to herself. A buzzing sound alerted her that someone had text her on her cell and she read the short message from her dad with a shake of her head. When she had told him she was staying with Kevin while he recovered it had caused some tension between them but after she assured him that nothing was happening, which was partly true, he had finally given up and told her he trusted her. Trust only went so far apparently because he had already text her twice this morning wondering how everything was going, for a man that wrote for a living he wasn't very good with subtlety.

A cough from the bedroom alerted her to the fact that Kevin was awake and she hurried in to check on him. She grimaced when she saw he was sitting up coughing thickly and clutching his chest in pain with each breath, the chest congestion an unfortunate side effect of being intubated and stationary for so long.

Alexis wanted to help but there was nothing she could do so she simply climbed on the bed and carefully rubbed his back. Eventually he stopped and offered a weak smile, "Terrible way to wake up."

"I know, I'm sorry. You just take it easy this morning while I get Dev ready to go ok?" She could feel him shaking under her touch and made a mental note to turn up the heater. With a kiss to his cheek she slid out of the bed and exited the room.

When Alexis returned from dropping off Devlin she saw that Ryan had gotten himself up and dressed and was just sitting quietly on the couch staring off into nothing. Not wanting to startle him she approached after making a small amount of noise.

"Dev get to school ok?"

She sat down on the couch a short distance away, "A little damp but he made it. Did you take your pills this morning?" He nodded once. "Can I get you anything?"

"No," he said quietly. It was starting to unnerve her how quiet and still he was being. Figuring he must just be trying to process everything that happened she rose and walked to Devlin's room to tidy up and proceeded with her normal daily tasks. Every once in a while she would walk by him and let her fingers drag through his hair to show she was there if he needed her but he mostly just ignored her. It was almost two and half hours later when he spoke again. "I keep seeing his face."

She immediately set down the book she had been reading and walked over to him, dropping down on the couch and gently touching his knee. "Who?"

"Wayne, the guy that shot me." Her hand wrapped around his and she scooted closer to him. "There wasn't any fear, no remorse, no nothing. He wasn't just running, he wanted to take one of us down. It happened so fast; the first bullet hit my vest before I could even pull the trigger. He's still out there."

Tears sprung forward in her eyes but she cleared her throat and pushed them back down. "He'll get what he deserves."

"I don't understand why I'm alive. One of the bullets missed my heart by three millimeters," he whispered half in awe. "In the movies when you're dying your life flashes before your eyes and you think of everybody you care about but that never happened. At one point I found myself thinking that Javi's eyebrows aren't spaced evenly. Who does that?"

Alexis smiled at his confused expression and being extremely careful not to jar him she climbed onto his lap and grabbed his face in her hands. She leaned forward and softly kissed him, "I was so afraid I had lost you."

He looked uncomfortable with her position and affections so she moved off to the side until they weren't touching. She had dealt with people with bad concussions before and knew that sometimes they were withdrawn and uneasy but he had seemed fine at the hospital, last night, and even this morning.

Knowing he had upset her he tried to explain, "I'm sorry. For some reason I feel uncomfortable around you. That didn't come out right." This whole brain only half on thing was starting to bug him. Ever since he woke up at the hospital he kept feeling like he was forgetting something and he couldn't seem to articulate his thoughts very well. When this concussion thing passed it would be the greatest day ever.

She forced a smile and even though she yearned to touch him she stayed away, "I understand. Is it ok for me to be here or do you want to be alone?"

With wide eyes he looked over, "Please don't leave."

"Alright. Well let's do something because as interesting as that wall is I don't think you need to stare at it all day."

He laughed and gave her a grateful look for not being upset with him, "Anything that doesn't make me have to think would be great."

"Go Fish it is," she said with a smile as she jumped up and grabbed a deck of cards out of the drawer under the tv. He realized at that moment that she knew where everything was in the apartment, from little insignificant things to who knows what. A thought occurred to him, "You know where everything is in my apartment don't you?" At her nod he asked the second part of his question, "Do you go through my room?"

Alexis wanted to tease him but she wasn't sure if his sluggish brain could handle too much ribbing right now. "No, your secrets are safe. I only grab the laundry and put it away that's all."

"Thank you for not snooping, if I was in your shoes I would have gone through everything," he said honestly.

She dealt the cards and started to arrange hers, "I wouldn't expect any less from a detective, it's in your nature to pry. Got any fours?"

He handed her a card, "I think I've contained myself pretty well around you."

"Yes you have," she replied before asking for any eights. "You can ask me things you know, it won't offend me or anything."

"Go Fish. So I've got to ask, how is it to have Castle as your dad?"

She began to laugh, "That's your question? Well I don't have anything to compare it to but I would have to say amazing. He was always there for me, from the stupid little plays in elementary school to comforting me when Stanford rejected me."

He frowned heavily, "Why did they reject you? You're perfect."

He said it so seriously, like it was a well known fact and she blushed slightly at the praise. "I guess there were people that they considered more perfect but it all worked out because I wouldn't have been happy on the other side of the country."

The game ended a short time later when Alexis placed down her last set on the table and finished her story about graduating and coming back home. "Now that I'm back I just have to figure out what exactly I want to do with my degree. I worked towards college and a degree for so long that now I have it I have no idea what to do with myself."

"You'll figure it out," he said confidently.

She shrugged and stuck the cards back in the box, "So now do I get to hear anything about you? All you ever talk about is your time in homicide but nothing before that, ever."

He chewed on his lip for a minute before standing up, "Come on." She followed him to his room and he opened the closet and pointed to a box in the bottom. "Will you grab that, I would but…"

"I've got it," she said easily before grabbing it and setting it down on the bed where he was sitting cross legged. She hopped up and sat on the other side but he patted the bed right next to him to her delight. Once settled she waited for him to dig through the box and a second later he pulled out a photo album and handed it to her.

She flipped it open, her lips curving into a smile at the sight of a blonde haired blue eyed child dressed in his Sunday best surrounded by four girls in frilly dresses. "My sisters; Leah, Julie, Lydia, and Ava. Leah is eight years older, Julie five, Lydia three, and Leah is only thirteen months older. I'm the baby. The oldest three pretty much ignored me but Ava was attached to me for years. The yin to my yang, she's my total opposite and it drove me crazy. She's really small so we were always close in size and she always tried to beat me up, she's a brat."

Her eyes greedily took in every photo and she pointed to a picture of two older people, "Your parents?"

"Yeah, Patrick and Lila. Mom always said I was her little angel, dad called me a runt. That pretty much describes them," he said with a small chuckle. In the pictures she noticed he got a lot of his features from his mother, especially his eyes. All his sisters had his father's green eyes. She waited for more on his parents but he didn't offer so she continued to flip through the book, every turn of the page showing an older Kevin. She learned he had platinum blonde hair when he was younger than turned a dark brown somewhere between thirteen and fourteen and that he was extremely lanky when he was younger. "Is that a black eye?" she asked of a picture that seemed to be of him around fifteen.

"I was a dork, I got beat up quite a bit. Well I guess I'm still a dork but at least people don't mess with me anymore. Except Javi… and Beckett… and Castle."

She frowned, "That's terrible, didn't you tell anyone about it?"

He laughed, "It's different for boys. My dad would have swatted me if I tattled. No, you dealt with your own problems and that was the end of it. It made growing up hard but I'd like to think I'm a better person for it."

It bothered her but it was years in the past so she continued flipping through the book and grinned as she pointed to a shot of him in a tux with a small blonde, "Prom?"

"Yeah," he laughed. "If you want to call it that. If you wanted to go you had to go with a date and there were like a hundred chaperones."

"So no after prom fun?" she said with a grin.

He blushed, "I didn't say that. Afterwards was much more entertaining than the dance. Moving on…"

She giggled and scooted closer to him, pleased when he didn't shy away and continued to turn the pages until coming to the last page. "This ends when you graduated high school."

He nodded, "That's enough for now." Today had taught her that there were three distinct periods in Kevin's life; his childhood which was birth to eighteen, the unspoken chunk which was nineteen to twenty three, and the years at the 12th which was twenty four to now. While it was nice to get a peek at his childhood it was the years he never spoke about that had her the most curious.

"Plus it's time for you to pick up Dev," he said with a glance at the bedside clock.

She glanced at the clock and jumped up, "Oh my God I completely forgot, I'm the worlds worst nanny."

"You're fine," he said easily as he slipped the pictures back in the box and snapped the lid back on. "Lex I'm sorry about earlier, I don't know what's going on with me," he said quietly.

Alexis wrapped him in a hug and sighed happily at the fact he didn't tense, "Everything's fine and all that jumbled stuff in your head will even out, I promise."

He breathed in her scent and smiled into her hair before puling back and kissing her, "I hope so, now seriously go get Dev because you're late."

After a calm evening and dinner which Ryan barely touched Devlin was fast asleep in his room and Alexis and he were both sitting in the bed watching tv. "What are we even watching?"

"A documentary about Caligula. Horrible, horrible person but super interesting to hear about," he answered quickly. His attention was so focused on the television that he didn't even notice Alexis moving behind him until her legs were on either side of his and her hands were firmly kneading his shoulders.

Her hands moved across the material of his t-shirt and she smiled softly when he clicked off the tv, plunging the room into darkness. "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

She poked him in his side and smirked when he giggled. He was ticklish, a fact she would take advantage of when he was healed. "Why is today the first time I've heard about your family? I mean you don't call them or talk about them at all."

Her answer never came and she knew better than to push, the last thing she wanted was for him to shut down and not tell her anything anymore. She continued to rub his back until she heard him yawn and with a kiss to the nape of his neck she moved away and waited for him to get comfortable before scooting next to him, her hand resting comfortably on his lower stomach.

"Tell me a secret," she whispered into the dark, just like the night before.

"When I was a rookie I super glued my hand inside my pocket and didn't want to tell anyone. I ended up spending all day with one hand stuck in my jeans. I got yelled at for acting too laid back." Hearing a soft laugh he pulled her closer and pressed his lips to hers. "Goodnight Lex."


	15. Chapter 15

As the weeks began to slip by Alexis was learning so much about Kevin it was astonishing, apparently you don't truly know someone until you live with them. From her nightly request for a secret to him just sharing things she was finding out there was much, much more to Ryan than met the eye.

When they went over more pictures from his youth she learned his head was always buried in a book growing up and while he wasn't terrible at sports he didn't exactly excel in them. He informed her there was a dodge ball story but she would never hear it. Ever. She found out he loved anything that had to do with trivia, which made sense with all the random things he seemed to know. She learned more about his time in Catholic school and realized that while it had made him extremely disciplined and respectful it also seemed to hinder his social skills.

Alexis had had a good laugh thinking about how uncomfortable he was in certain conversations and how his mouth always seemed to be a few steps ahead of his brain, something she had experienced a few times herself. Aside from his awkwardness though he held a certain charm that many people could not resist and he wasn't embarrassed to tell her he used it on people to get what he wanted quiet a bit, people at work included.

She was surprised to find he had a motorcycle when he was young and listened intently to why he still didn't ride while they milled around the kitchen.

"When I turned sixteen I got a bike instead of a car. It was a few months before my eighteenth birthday and I was coming home on the highway from dinner with Ava, she was following me home in her car. Only a few miles from the house someone pulled out in front of me and I had to swerve. Thank God Ava was there because the lady just left. When I lost control I was going so fast that my body hit a fence post and the bike slid right into me and pinned me against it. It crushed my throat, almost paralyzed me. Ava did CPR until the paramedics could come. It was a rough few months after that, I lost quite a bit of weight and missed so much school I almost didn't graduate."

Alexis stood in shock until finally pointing out, "I've never seen any scars on your neck."

"They did a good job on me. I think I'm a magnet for danger. So yeah, I didn't really want to ride anymore after that."

"I don't blame you," she said as she started making dinner. "Are you excited for your appointment tomorrow?"

He gave a halfhearted shrug, "Not quite the word I would use but yeah. It'll be nice to get the all clear for physical activity, first step to getting back to work."

She nodded and began to chop vegetables from the fridge, "You won't need me here anymore, I'll pack up my things tomorrow."

He froze and stared at her back, he hadn't thought of that. She had been here almost every single day for three weeks straight, and now she was just leaving? He knew the day was going to eventually come but the words still cut him. She had slowly become his normal, his anchor and with her leaving it made him scared of what would happen. Since the shooting he had only had one nightmare and he had a very strong suspicion that Alexis being there is what kept them at bay. With her gone would he even be able to sleep?

Plus there was the whole relationship thing that had gone completely off course and had gotten muddled since she practically moved in with him. He was a gentleman and took pride in that fact and there was a natural order to dating that he liked to follow but with Alexis everything went out the window. Her toothbrush was next to his in his bathroom yet they hadn't had sex in any way, shape or form. She cooked dinner and took care of his son and had stopped accepting payment for it, which placed this firmly in the 'serious' category of dating. They hadn't even gone out on a proper date yet late at night and cloaked in darkness hands wandered and breathy moans could be barely heard as they shamelessly grinded against the other, fingernails and teeth scraping hypersensitive skin leaving them quivering messes. While all this was happening though there were days they hardly even touched, it was like they skipped the dating stage and just went straight into old married couple.

Her going back home was going to change everything and he had no clue if that was a good or bad thing. He was torn away from his thoughts when his son appeared next to him and tugged on his t-shirt. He braced himself for how badly this was going to hurt and lifted him up and onto the counter in a swift motion, if Alexis wasn't going to be here as often than he needed to get used to lifting his son again.

Devlin tucked himself into his dad's side and watched Alexis move around the kitchen, "When are you leaving?"

She turned to look at him better, he must have overheard them talking. "Tomorrow, with your dad getting better I don't need to be here all the time."

"Oh," he said quietly. "Will I see you again?"

She set down the spoon and walked over so he knew he had her undivided attention. "Of course you will, how could I stay away from you? If you ever need anything you have my phone number in your backpack and you can call me anytime."

He held out his arms and Alexis immediately picked him up and hugged him close. When he softly whispered, "I love you" she held him a little tighter. "I love you too," she whispered gently and smiled at his large grin, one tooth in the very front missing. Devlin was easy to love with his cherub face and shy nature but it was much more than that. She would do anything just to make him smile, anything to make his world perfect and with every passing day she felt a little less like a nanny and a little more like a mom. Was it strange to think of him as hers? Maybe. Did she care? No.

The following day started easily enough with Ryan riding with her and Dev to school before going to his appointment. Alexis had introduced herself to his doctor as a 'friend', since they didn't really know what they were it seemed to be the only term that loosely worked. It sill bothered him to here it. The doctor had taken out whatever stitches hadn't yet dissolved and given him a clean bill of health with an ok to start on very light physical activity only if he felt up to it. There was an awkward moment where he spoke about mental trauma and Ryan had tried to be polite but in reality just wanted to get the hell out of there.

Alexis had sat politely the entire time and tried to focus on what the doctor was saying but her attention was mostly on Kevin who was oddly quiet. She made a mental note to ask him about it later.

"You're quiet today," she commented as soon as they were in her car.

He had on his aviator sunglasses so she couldn't see his eyes and his usual expressive face wasn't giving anything away. "Just thinking. So what now?"

She frowned slightly but still tried to stay upbeat hoping she could pull him out of whatever was bothering him. "I was thinking I would go get all my belongings from your place then we could go to my house for a while. I'm pretty sure Dad's working and Grams is hardly there at all anymore now that her and Chet are serious."

He made a small noncommittal noise before diverting his attention out the side window at the passing buildings. There was just too much on his mind right now to relax and just enjoy her company. He jerked when Alexis placed her hand on his and intertwined their fingers.

"You're thinking so loud I can hear it from over here. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Guilt at worrying her showed on his face when he stared at their hands, "Not right now." The rest of the rise was silent and both walked to his apartment before Ryan sat down on the couch and watched as Alexis removed all traces of her presence from the house. With him here all the time now she wouldn't need to watch Dev which meant she would only be here once in a while. "Lex are you still going to come over and see Dev and I?" He internally cringed at his small voice but waited for an answer nonetheless.

She dropped all her belongings by the door and walked to couch before sitting down on his lap with a knowing smile, "Is that why you've been upset today?" At his uncomfortable nod she poked his side. "Oh course I am, I'll be over here as much as I'm allowed. I know you don't need me to watch Dev anymore with you being here but I'd love to help you. Plus as your girlfriend I have to see you as much as possible." She blushed at the title she had given herself, the first time the word had been said. She had noticed Ryan's expression earlier when she said friend and it had even made her cringe internally.

"Girlfriend huh?" he smirked.

"Oh yes, now do you want to help me bring my things back to my dads place or sit here and mope some more?"

His hands traced the seam of her jeans up her thighs until landing on her hips and squeezing. "What about a third option?" he whispered into her hair as he nuzzled her neck.

Her eyes slide shut and leaned forward to rest against him, a small shiver racing through her when his warm hands spread across her back under her tank top. A pleased hum sounded from her when his lips began to ghost across her neck and shoulder, his soft fingers slipping the material of her shirt and bra off her shoulder.

She giggled when he twisted them to lie down and blanketed her with his larger frame. Staring into his twinkling eyes her lips moved before she thought about what she was saying.

"I love you."

Ryan froze, his entire body tense and Alexis couldn't think of anything to say to try to diffuse the tension she had created. He didn't move away which she took as a good sign but he also didn't speak and even though his pupils were slightly more dilated than before he gave nothing away. "Lex," he said carefully. "I.." he broke off looking entirely uncomfortable and tried to pull away but she wrapped her legs around his hips to keep him still.

"You don't have to say it back, I just had to tell you. I've loved you for a while but I didn't want to scare you away and I hope that's not what's going to happen right now."

He met her eyes and even though she was the one that put herself on the line he was the one that looked terrified. She wasn't stupid or insecure so she was pretty sure he felt the exact same way she did but seeing he wasn't ready to say it yet she gave him a break. Done with talking she rolled her hips into his and grinned when he let out a shaky breath and crushed his lips to hers. The kiss was all consuming, Ryan trying to convey his feelings in the only way he could right now. Shirts were lost in a hurry, pants following soon after and only once they were skin on skin did they slow down to savor the other.

Both kept waiting for the other to stop or for some interruption that always seemed to pop up but nothing happened and it was quickly getting to the point of no return. Ryan was finally the one to stop them with much difficulty, "Lex, not like this. I …Oh God… I have to take you on at least one proper date."

Her smile twisted with amusement at his need for romance before she dipped her hands into his boxers and bit at his earlobe, "We can still have fun." If she thought she was in control of the situation she was mistaken. Kevin always seemed so innocent and shy and it was quite a surprise when he smirked at her with a look so salacious she knew she was in for a wild ride.

A while later both lay next to each other still squeezed onto the couch, hair mussed and content smiles on their lips. "That was... and you... wow."

He huffed out a laugh, "I'll take your ramblings as a compliment."

"I love you," she whispered and smiled when his grip around her waist tightened and he kissed her shoulder. "So when will this date take place?"

"Very soon," he grinned. "I have to go get Dev," he said softly, disappointment at the fact they would have to move seeping into his voice.

As much as she didn't want to she knew she had to go too. She rolled over to face him better and wrapped one of her legs around his, the heat from his hand on her hip spreading through her. If they didn't part soon they'd be here all day, which might not be a bad thing. "I need to get my stuff to dad's house. Have you talked to Dev about us?"

He shook his head and kissed her nose as his hand drifted to her thigh, "I was going to tonight." His fingertips slowly began to dance across her milky skin but he jerked his hand back when she slapped it, "Stop it, we both need to go."

Both reluctantly untangled from each other and redressed, Ryan walking her to the door and opening it for her. "I guess I'll talk to you later."

She pouted at his expression and wrapped her arms around his slim waist, "Don't look so sad, I'll call you tomorrow ok? Now tell me a secret before I go."

He shook his head, "Nope, you only get those when you stay over. Sorry." She slapped his arm and glared halfheartedly at him. "Jerk." With a final kiss she walked out of the apartment leaving Ryan to close the door and turn to face the room that suddenly looked much larger and emptier than before.

That night Ryan and Devlin sat together in his bed surrounded by pillows, blankets, dvd cases and pizza boxes. The movie they had been watching came to an end and while Devlin picked another from the pile Ryan tried to casually bring up his and Alexis's relationship.

"Hey buddy, I need to ask you something," Ryan ventured as his son looked over all the covers of the boxes in his small hands. "You like Alexis right? You don't mind her being here?"

Dev shook his head, "I love Lex, she's my best friend."

Ryan smiled, "That's good buddy. Now I have a question for you and I want you to be honest with me ok? It's important to me that you tell me the truth." He waited a moment to make sure his son understood before he asked, "What do you think about Lex being my girlfriend?"

Dev chewed on his lip for a minute and looked around before shrugging.

Well this wasn't looking promising. "Talk to me, there's nothing you can say that would be wrong."

His tiny hands twisted and his looked up through his long eyelashes. "What about mommy?"

That was not what he had been expecting and the question threw him off balance. Thoughts and emotions began to appear and instead of staying quiet he tried to explain to his son what he was feeling and answer his question. "No one can ever replace mommy and I'll always love her. Lex isn't taking mommy's place for me or for you, she's just someone different. Nothing would really change, it would be the same as it is now but she might stay over sometimes."

"She does now."

He fought off a laugh and nodded, "Yes she does but it was just to take care of me since I got hurt." Deciding they were getting off topic he asked again. "So what do you think buddy? Would you be ok with it?"

Relief flooded through him when Devlin smiled and nodded. "When you're with her you smile, I like it when you're happy daddy."

"You make me smile too Dev, more than anyone ever could."

His small blonde head whipped around and blue eyes that held a higher level of understanding than Ryan could have imagined stared at him openly and honestly. "You make me smile too daddy."


	16. Chapter 16

An alarm clock blared, shattering the silence and a hand slapped the snooze button to stop the offensive noise it created. Ryan sat up in his bed and slid out to walk to the bathroom, his limbs heavy and uncooperative. When he entered and turned on the light he grimaced at his reflection. Last night had been a disaster of epic proportions, starting with him unable to sleep and finishing with terrifying nightmares that made him not ever want to close his eyes again. Alexis had kept everything at bay, the soothing rhythm of her breathing and her pleasant warmth chasing away bad thoughts and providing comfort during the night. Without her his dreams were transformed into horrible warped versions of the shooting, himself and everyone he cares about dying over and over at the hands of the man who was still at large. He glimpsed at the shower but decided against it, instead just slipping on sweats over his boxers and trudging to the kitchen to start the coffee machine.

After a full cup of caffeine was working its way through his blood stream he walked to his sons room and instead of getting him out of bed just collapsed next to him and squeezed him like a teddy bear. Always one for affection Dev just snuggled close and fell back to sleep.

Something was ringing and it was getting annoying Ryan decided. He pried open his eyes and looked around before sucking in a gasp and jumping out of his sons bed to look at the clock.

1:48 p.m.

Crap.

Well so much for school today. He found his still ringing phone on the kitchen counter and answered it groggily. Alexis's voice floated over the line and he walked to the living room to lie on the couch, his legs not wanting to support him any longer. "Hey Lex."

"This is the second time I called today, are you alright? Do you need me to come over?" she asked anxiously.

He yawned and smiled at his son who wandered out of his bedroom and disappeared into the bathroom, his hair completely out of control and his tiny fists rubbing his eyes. "No I'm fine. Dev and I just overslept."

"But he had school today," she said, her tone half amused, half chiding.

The parent part of him hated that he had failed to get Devlin to school today but he didn't feel too bad since he at least got to spend time with him today. "He can miss a day, so do I get to see your beautiful face today?"

"Not today," she answered gently. "Dad's on his way home from the precinct and we're spending the next few days together in the Hamptons."

"Huh," he said, unable to think of anything to say that wouldn't make it sound like he was whining. "Well have fun, I know you haven't spent a lot of time with him lately."

"I know. Say hi to Dev for me and I'll talk to you later."

"I will, bye." He hung up and tossed his phone on the table with a small pout, it vanished when Devlin ran over and jumped on the couch next to him. "Just us today Dev, what do you want to do?"

He tapped his chin as his small feet kicked back and forth before asking, "The museum?"

Ryan pretended to mull it over before grinning, "I bet you I can get ready before you can." With a squeal his son ran away leaving Ryan to slowly stand and walk to his room, his chest tight from more than just his wound.

The next few days crawled by for Ryan. It was difficult to just sit there with nothing to do when he was used to being constantly in motion. Alexis had provided enough of a distraction to keep it from bothering him at first but with her now gone and Devlin in school his days were like torture. He had tried to get in some physical activity; anything to get him closer to returning to work but the little bit that he had tried had left him writhing in pain and panting heavily.

The evening of his fifth day alone he sat in his bed trying to read Castle's latest book, Frozen Heat, but it was difficult when he knew that even though imagined it was his boss and his friend in the sex scenes. He grimaced and skipped a few pages before scanning and finding it was safe again, there wasn't enough therapy in the world for reading that and picturing those two. A noise from the living room made him freeze and just before he went for his gun he saw whom it was. "You're back," he said excitedly, a grin breaking across his face for the first time that day.

Alexis returned his smile and slipped off her shoes before running over and jumping onto his lap, quickly peppering his face with kisses. "I missed you so much."

He basked in her affections and held her close, pure relief at her return coursing through him. It had happened slowly and while he was aware of it he had no idea it had gotten this bad but he was completely dependant on her. She made sure he ate, she took care of his son, she made it possible to sleep. She was his everything.

Alexis pulled back and took in his appearance, a heavy frown covering her face. "Is everything alright with you?"

"Everything's fine, why?"

She took in his pale face and the dark circles under his eyes, the slight tremble to his hands. "Because you look like you haven't slept since I went back home."

He could have told her the truth, should have but he wasn't about to make her feel guilty for spending time with her dad. "I've just gone to bed late the last few days. So how was your trip?"

Diversions never worked on her but she figured she could push later; after all she just got back. "Wonderful. It was super relaxing. We just got back like an hour ago and I'd thought I'd pop over before you went to bed."

The conversation continued, both skirting around the issue that Ryan looked much worse than when she left him. After talking for a bit she noticed he was beginning to nod off and nudged him to lie down. With a kiss to his forehead she slipped out of the apartment, oblivious to the fact that Ryan awoke a mere hour later heart pounding and eyes wide with terror. This was destroying him, between the exhaustion of not sleeping and the nature of his nightmares he was starting to crack.

He walked to the kitchen and returned a second later with a bottle of whiskey, which he promptly began to gulp. Two hours later he grabbed his cell and called the person that always seemed to know what to say.

"You're lucky I'm already up, what the hell are you calling me for at 2:00 in the morning?"

"Javi!" he slurred. "I can't sleep, there's all this stuff and I can't stop thinking and it's so cold and lonely." When he didn't get a response he pulled the phone away and looked at it blearily. It was still connected. "Bro?"

A heavy sigh sounded from his partner followed by, "Are you drunk?"

He frowned, "Why is that rel… real… relevant? You on a case? Who died?"

Ryan was lucky he loved him like a brother. "Female, 34 years old, head bashed in. Found her off of 5th. Is that enough information for you Castle Jr?"

He took another swig and nodded although no one could see him. "Who's with you? I'm your partner! I'm supposed to be there!"

"Bro calm down before you hurt yourself. Hang on a sec." Ryan could hear him talking to someone and when it seemed to drag on he anxiously whispered. "Javi?"

"I'm here, I was just talking to Beckett who said you should be asleep right now and not bugging me."

"I'm not bugging you, I'm just… alone. And lonely. A lone wolf, one is the loneliest number. Can you come over?"

It was too early for this. "No I really can't. Why don't you just call someone to come over, I know you still have that girl's number from that restaurant case. She couldn't keep her hands off you bro."

"No, I can't do that! What are you thinking? You give tear…terrible advice. Where's Beckett?" he asked as a hiccup escaped him. "Beckett's not stupid like you. Sleep with that girl? You cray cray."

"As amusing as it is to hear you say 'cray cray' I really have to go. I'll call you later all right bro? Try to get some sleep."

He groaned as his last hope fell through, "Fine. Bye Javi." He threw the phone down on the bed and switched on the television, the bottle of liquor still in his grip as he waited for the sun to rise.

The night went by quickly once he was completely wasted which was nice for just this once but it's not like this was a healthy or permanent solution. Not wanting Dev to see him like this he put the bottle away and climbed into the shower to try to wash away all traces of his exhaustion and shame. When he finished he at least felt human and he walked to his sons room to wake him.

After dropping Devlin off at school instead of returning home he just wandered around, anything to not return to his empty home. Checking the time on his cell he figured it was late enough to at least text Alexis. After a quick conversation he looked at the time again and chewed on his lip trying to think of what to do while he waited to meet her for lunch. He glanced across the street at a bookstore and grinned, that would do.

"Really? This is where you want to have lunch?" he asked when he met his beautiful redhead at half-past noon.

"Why not? It sounded good." With a shake of his head she stuck out her tongue and ordered. After an amusing conversation filled with innuendos and heavy flirting she bit her lip, eyes twinkling. "So is this a date?"

Not missing a beat he replied, "I find McDonalds, while enjoyable, does not seem appropriate for a date. Well maybe for some people but last I checked my neck's not red. No, I am going to take you on a proper date. Tonight."

She grinned, "And where will this proper date take place?"

"That is not for you to worry about." Eyes crinkling with mirth he tilted his head, "Let's say seven."

They exited and walked out onto the sidewalk, smiles on both their faces. "Well then I guess I'll see you at seven."

He nodded and stuck his hands into his pockets, "It's a date." She turned to leave and when she spun around halfway down the block she saw that Ryan was exactly where she left him. He smiled cheekily and waved to her before she vanished around the corner.

At quarter to seven Alexis arrived and when Ryan opened the door he just stood there taking in the sight of the gorgeous woman in front of him dressed in a tasteful and very appealing black dress. "Wow, you look amazing," he complimented as she walked in.

She fiddled with his tie and slid her fingers down the lapels of his jacket, "Thank you, you look pretty good yourself."

He grinned and held out his arm, "Shall we?"

"We shall," she answered and hooked her arm through his. "So where is Dev?"

"At his friend's house, he asked me this morning if he could spend the night. Worked out pretty well."

The date turned out to be fun, relaxing, and honestly the best she had ever been on. Ryan was a true romantic at heart and after a nice dinner that wasn't by any means casual but wasn't so nice it was uncomfortable they walked through the park hand in hand just enjoying the other. Unlike any other date she had ever been on there wasn't any awkwardness or long lulls in conversation. Everything flowed easily and it was more like being with an old friend rather than a new love with the exception of the constant presence of butterflies in her stomach.

Eventually they made their way back to his apartment and found themselves sitting comfortably on the couch, wine glasses in hand and talking about nothing in particular. She laughed in disbelief when she realized he had taken a gun on their date. "Really?"

He shrugged and removed it from his lower back, "Only takes a second for things to go sideways, I never leave home without it." At her expression he began to laugh, "Don't look at me like that it's always holstered and the saftey's on. I'm not some gangster."

After setting down her wine glass she asked, "Can I see it?" She watched as he released the magazine and passed the gun to her. "You should take me to the range one day. Dad and I used to go but he's only taught me about pistols."

He took the weapon back when she offered it and slid the mag back in with a grin, "Second date at the firing range, my kind of girl."

Everything was light hearted until Alexis asked him for the truth about his exhaustion. He pursed his lips and gave a weak shrug but she was having none of it.

"Just tell me please."

He set down his empty glass and leaned back, carefully avoiding her eyes. "I've been having trouble sleeping since you left. I keep having these terrible nightmares."

"Why wouldn't you tell me that?" she asked innocently.

"Because I didn't want to put that on you, it's not fair."

It was silent for a few seconds and Ryan ventured a glance at her. "What?" he asked when he saw her smiling.

"Well, if you're not going to ask then I'll just have to offer. Would you like me to spend the night a few nights a week? Would that help?"

"Yes," he answered instantly, relief bleeding into his tone.

She scooted closer and let her hands wander over his chest and the material of his tie, her fingers loosening it for him. Her lips ghosted across his neck before she met his eyes, "Would you like me to spend the night tonight?"

He recognized the words for what they truly were and a slow mischievous grin spread across his cheeks. "Why Miss Castle, are you trying to seduce me?"

Her lips moved to his ear, her soft skin brushing against his cheek. "I'm not trying." In contrast to the bold words she looked shy and unsure and he quickly took charge trying to ease her qualms. He knew she wasn't a virgin, a hilariously awkward conversation had informed him of that fact but he also knew she didn't have much experience so tonight fell into his very capable hands.

Inside the comfort and safety of the bedroom clothing fell to the floor piece by piece, lips and hands covering every inch of new skin as it appeared. Every freckle, birthmark, and scar was commited to memory. Every caress that caused breath to hitch would be never forgotten. Touches were gentle and patient, words light and loving.

All thoughts left in an instant, minds completely blank when they finally came together. Months of want leading to this exact second, the moment they could finally feel the other with nothing in between them but the night air. Neither could have ever imagined it would feel like this, so blindingly intense and real and right. They were made for each other; bodies moving in perfect harmony, breath utterly in sync. Gasps and groans, teeth and nails, every sense completely overwhelmed. Sheets twisted as hands clutched them, a thin sheen of sweat across ivory skin as they blindly grabbed at anything to try to ground themselves. It was too much, the pure want coursing through them unable to contain itself any longer.

A small ache of pleasure appeared deep inside her very soul, a small flame that grew and overtook her until spreading from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. Her mouth opened in a silent scream as every muscle in her entire body tensed, toes curling and fingers clawing at her bedmate trying to pull him closer, always closer. White light exploded behind her lids, waves of pleasure coursing through her until finally fading into a pleasant numbness.

When she finally came back from the brink of oblivion she met Kevin's eyes complete with blown pupils and a drugged expression to match and had no doubt he had followed her over the edge. To see him so completely undone with his tousled hair and flushed pink cheeks, chest rising and falling as he tried to get his breathing under control was a sight she would never forget. Her hands ran through his hair as she breathlessly confessed, "I love you."

He shifted off of her and waited while she got situated comfortably, her head on his shoulder and arm wrapped around his waist, legs intertwined. "Tá tú mo gach rud," he whispered after placing a soft kiss to her hair.

This was not the first time she wished she understood Irish but one thing she knew for sure was that he wasn't saying I love you. After the evening they shared it honestly hurt a little that he still wasn't saying it but she knew he felt the same so all she could do was wait. According to him he had only told one woman, ever, that he loved her and that was Jenny. Love wasn't a word he took lightly.

"Do they hurt?" she suddenly asked when she traced around the scarred wounds on his chest. They had healed well and with time would fade from their purple color now to a light pink and eventually white just like the other scars that littered his body.

"Yes," he answered honestly. "They feel really sore, like somebody punched me as hard as they could. Hurts more when my breathing increases."

Alexis sat up slightly and looked at him, "Tonight probably didn't help, you should have said something."

His eyebrows shot up in disbelief, "And miss out? No way." They laid in silence until Alexis asked the same question she had asked every single night before they fell asleep.

"Tell me a secret."

His eyebrows scrunched in concentration as he thought of something to share. "I had a gay experience in college. His name was Dominic and we were together for two weeks."

The room was still for a few minutes until Ryan burst out laughing when Alexis whispered, "Everyone's gay once in a while." Still wrapped around each other they closed their eyes and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

Alexis smiled sleepily as she came into consciousness, a small yawn sounding as she stretched out her pleasantly sore body. When she finally opened her eyes she saw that Kevin was awake and just watching her with a look she couldn't quite identify. Her hand reached out from under the covers and came to rest on his cheek, his larger hand pulling it to his lips to kiss her palm before just holding it.

"I love you."

Her eyes widened and her heart burst with elation, the three words she had longed to hear finally reaching her ears.

"I don't know why I had such a hard time saying it to you but I'm sorry I waited so long. I was going to tell you last night but it didn't feel like the right time," he continued quietly.

She understood and now that he had said it she was glad he hadn't last night. In a stable relationship it was nice to hear words of love in the throes of passion but when the words had never been uttered before they seemed to lose their meaning during and immediately after sex.

"I love you too," she said giddily before moving over and straddling him. "Now let me show you how much."

Much later in the morning Ryan whistled to himself in the kitchen while Alexis showered, he should have showered too but with her scent still clinging to him he just couldn't bring himself to rid himself of her intoxicating smell. She smelt like vanilla and fresh baked cookies, just absolutely delicious and with a head shake he tried to stop this train of thought immediately otherwise they wouldn't even leave the apartment today.

"Knock knock," a voice shouted from the door and a minute later Esposito appeared with a large smile. "What's up bro?" He entered the kitchen he set his keys down on the counter and poured himself a cup of coffee, Ryan seemingly ignoring him as he cooked breakfast. "Sorry about not calling you back yesterday, we had just gotten there when you called and I still had to interview the witnesses. I can't wait until you're back to work, I never realized how much grunt work you do. Remind me to never take you for granted, I'm exhausted." After a few sips of the hot brew he walked over next to his friend and peered into the pan before looking at his partner with a raised eyebrow. "What're you cooking Ry?"

Ryan looked down before biting the inside of his cheek and he quietly mumbling, "Pancakes." He was glad he was appearing so nonchalant because inside he was having a panic attack unlike any other. This could not be happening, no this was just a bad dream and he was going to wake up any second. Or not. He quickly tried to think of any way to get him out of the apartment without raising suspicion but nothing was coming to mind. Plus he was the world's worst liar and Esposito knew all his tells.

Esposito nodded with a sly grin, "Really? May I ask why?" If there was one thing he absolutely loved to do it was make Ryan uncomfortable and based off the tie thrown over the back of the couch, the pair of high heels next to it, and empty wine glasses on the table he definitely had something to tease him about. Ryan wasn't usually one for one night stands but every once in a while he would have a random girl over and Javier loved to see who he picked because every single one was different than the last. He had no type, from the crazy vampire girl to Jenny and everything in between he enjoyed all women.

Both men turned when a female voice sounded from by the bedroom door, "Kev, where is…" Alexis trailed off as her wide eyes met Javier's.

Esposito, to his credit, didn't say a word but his shocked expression said more than any words could. He had barely kept himself from saying something when Alexis appeared from Kevin's bedroom dressed in hot pink boy shorts and one of his shirts, damp hair thrown up into a messy bun. "Good morning," he finally said as he tried to stay calm. This was not what he was expecting, not by a long shot. He had suspected, after all he wasn't blind but believing something is true is completely different than seeing proof.

She glanced at Kevin who shoulders were shaking before looking back at him, "I just came here to… pick up… something…"

Esposito crossed his arms, "In your underwear?"

"Uh… yes."

Ryan couldn't take it any longer and burst out laughing, Esposito doing the same a moment later. Alexis looked at them both, "What?"

He shook his head, "The timing was just perfect, then the 'I came here to pick up… something'." He broke off in a fit of laughter, nevermind that it was slightly hysterical.

"Lying to a detective Alexis? What'll your dad say?" Esposito asked with a smirk.

She glared at both men. "You two are not funny and you won't say a word to my father about this," she gritted out before spinning around.

Once she disappeared back into the bedroom Esposito turned with a grim expression, "Explain."

Ryan shrugged and put the pancakes on a plate before dousing them with syrup and taking a bite. "Just sort of happened," he said around his mouthful.

"Like last night or what?" he asked in a hard tone, his attention half on the fact that Ryan was eating breakfast. His mind didn't even want to go over why Ryan was hungry enough to actually be eating the meal he always skipped. He loved Ryan like a brother but he also felt protective of the youngest Castle, he knew Ryan needed someone but Alexis deserved better than a one night stand.

Kevin shook his head, "No, it's not like that."

"Than what's it like Ry because from where I stand it's looking like you've got a fling going with Castle's daughter. You know, the one we've watched grow up? The one that if anyone jerked her around I'd use my special forces training on."

Ryan flinched at the tone and words and took a step away from his partner who was eyeing him like fly that needed to be swatted. "It's not a fling."

"What the hell are you even doing bro? You're thirty Ry, she just graduated college. She's not ready for this, I mean we both know what you were doing at twenty-two and it sure as hell wasn't playing house with somebody."

Ryan glared at him and lowered his voice, "Don't start talking about all that, it's in the past let's keep it that way." He could see that his partner was still waiting for something that would make this remotely ok. "I love her Javi. I'm totally and completely in love with her and she feels the exact same way."

Esposito's eyebrows shot up, he knew those weren't words he threw around often and the admission threw him for a loop. "Wow, really? And she loves you too?" Seeing his nod he just released a stunned, "Huh."

The room still felt tense so Esposito finally smiled, "Good for you bro, I didn't realize it was this serious. I'm still watching you though and you better not hurt her, she's too pretty to cry."

Ryan smiled as a dazed expression covered his boyish face, "Yeah." Esposito smacked the back of his head to knock him back to reality and stepped back when Ryan suddenly pointed at him. "Seriously though, don't tell Castle or Beckett please. Between taking care of Dev and having to take care of me since I got shot she has enough on her plate."

He nodded, "Secrets safe bro but things have a way of coming out, might want to do it soon and something tells me momma bear Castle is not going to be too happy. He does not think clearly when it comes to Alexis."

"I know," he grimaced. "I'm everything he wouldn't want for his daughter. Older, a dad, and a cop. Ugh." Both men pictured how badly this was going to go before Ryan shivered and pushed the thoughts away. "So Lanie really didn't say anything about this to you? She's pretty good at keeping secrets."

The dark skinned man's jaw dropped, "Lanie knew and didn't tell me?"

"Lanie knows all bro. I honestly can't believe she's the only one that's figured it out so far, thank God you guys haven't outright asked me because I'm awful at lying." He began to laugh and shook his head, "And you guys call yourselves detectives?"

Esposito flicked the side of head and grinned when he rubbed it while shooting him a glare.

"So you off today?"

"Sí, thought I'd swing by and maybe drag you out of here but I'm thinking you might want to stay in."

Ryan blushed at the insinuation and coughed awkwardly, "She's going out to lunch with Taylor plus we haven't hung out in a while. What'd you have in mind?"

He smirked as he pulled something out of his back pocket and held it up, "Not sure about today, but tonight? We're going to an Islanders game."

"No way," Ryan exclaimed excitedly as he snatched them out of his partner's hand and looked at them. "These are glass seats! How'd you even get these?"

"Friend of a friend," he said vaguely. In all honesty he had gone to a scalper and they had cost him an obscene amount of money but it was worth it just to see the smile on his best friend's face. He missed seeing Ryan everyday, missed his dry sense of humor and his quirky mannerisms and guilt was still eating at him when he looked at Ryan's empty chair day in and day out. Then on top of that he felt horrible that he hadn't been able to come over night before last when Ryan clearly needed him to, his partner never called him drunk or needy so it must have been a truly rough night. "You want me to come back later or…"

Ryan waved him off, "Nah just hang on a minute and we'll head out." He stuffed one more large bite of pancake into his mouth and began to walk away.

"And fix your hair, it screams 'I got laid this morning'." Ryan never turned, just held up his hand in a one finger salute and continued to his bedroom.

"You look happy, I'm assuming he's ok with this?" Alexis asked in a nervous tone when he entered and closed the door.

He looked confused for a moment before nodding, "Oh yeah, everything's fine and he won't tell anybody. I'm going to hang with Javi today and take in a game tonight, could you pick up Dev from his friends house this afternoon?"

She grinned at how excited he was, "Of course." When he left to brush his teeth she entered the living room and blushed at the sight of Esposito. "Thank you for keeping this quiet for right now."

He nodded, "No problem. So what do you think your dad will say about all this when he finds out?"

"Nothing good," she sighed as she laced up her sneakers and stood. "I don't want to come between them but I have a feeling I'm going to. I'll worry about it when the time comes."

He rocked back and forth on his heels and lowered his voice, "I have to ask Alexis, are you sure about all this with Ry? I don't want anybody getting hurt."

She tilted her head to one side and smiled gently, "You don't have anything to worry about Detective, I promise."

Ryan entered the room still smiling, "Ok let's go."

Javier headed for the door and waited patiently for his friend to say goodbye to Alexis. It was strange to see them together acting affectionately but he had to admit, never out loud, that they did look good together. Both light skinned and light eyed with similar heights they blended well. After an I love you that made Ryan grin like a kid on Christmas morning Javier rolled his eyes and drug him out of the apartment.

"Dude, you're like a lovesick puppy."

"Yeah," he agreed with a goofy smile before swatting Javier's hands away when he tried to mess with his hair. "It's fine, I tried to fix it but I've got a cowlick today."

They reached Esposito's car and Ryan allowed him to go where he pleased, not even offering an idea of what to do today. He rolled down his window and smiled when they left the city, the fresh air whipping across his face.

Esposito glanced over and grinned at how excited his passenger was, Ryan always enjoyed trips out of the city. He always wondered why Ryan chose New York City instead of moving elsewhere when he enjoyed open roads and rural areas so much. Johnny Cash's voice started to float through the speakers and Esposito's eyebrows gathered in thought, "Didn't you say something a long time ago about your family and Folsom Prison?"

Ryan nodded, attention still on the passing landscape. "My Uncle Ian, he served there from '67 to '74 for second degree murder. He actually got to watch Johnny Cash live."

"And he died in prison didn't he?"

"Yeah, knife to the gut during a brawl. My dad was pretty upset and moved to Rochester with my mom for a new start."

Javier listened closely to his words, he had only found out about his family's criminal past through a drunken Ryan years ago. This was the first time they had ever discussed it sober. "Didn't your dad do time too?"

Ryan shifted uncomfortably but still nodded, "A nickel for aggravated assault, crippled a guy with a crowbar. He got out early for good behavior and that's when he grabbed my mom and moved. She waited for him the entire time even though they had only been together five months." He smiled softly, "Honest-to-goodness true love, they've been married for thirty-eight years." Esposito opened his mouth again but snapped it shut when his friend coughed in warning. His partner's past had always intrigued him but Ryan would never talk about it and he would never betray his trust by looking through records. For now he had to settle for small pieces that never seemed to fit together. How did he not end up like all the male members of his family, ill-tempered with a record? Was Ryan capable of beating someone almost to death?

Ryan's attention snapped to him and horror filled him when he realized he had voiced his questions aloud. The tension between them was so thick it was difficult to breath. "It was just a stupid thought bro, I know you wouldn't do that."

He shrugged and returned his attention out the window, "It's something to think about. A different decision here, a slip in judgement there. If I had gotten a little more of my dad in me than my mom my entire life could have been different." A laugh bubbled out of him and he smirked at his partner, "In another life I might have been on the other side of the law than you and Beckett."

Thankful Ryan had let the slip go he shook his head and laughed, "I'm having a hard time picturing your evil doppelgänger."

"Really? I can see it now. Ruthless Ryan, Kevin the Killer." Both men burst out laughing and the ride continued, all stress from Javier's questions gone.

They drove for most of the afternoon with no destination in mind, stopping in a small town and eating at a place that only served six things. Esposito didn't look too impressed with the menu or the, for lack of a nicer term, unique décor but Ryan adored anything quirky so he would sit here and smile even though he had hoped for something better for lunch than whatever the hell was on his plate.

Hours later the two found themselves sitting at a sports bar tucked into the corner of the arena where they could talk without being interrupted by rowdy fans waiting for the game to start.

"So how're you doing with everything and don't try to lie to me. I've been shot bro, I know what it's like."

Ryan sighed heavily and took a large gulp of his beer, "Then you don't even need to ask me that. I think I'm doing all right with it but other times I feel like my entire mind is just cracking."

Thankful that he hadn't put up an argument and just shared he replied, "You should talk to someone about it and soon. It'll chew you up and spit you out if you don't."

Ryan huffed and stared down at the table, "I don't need to talk about it I just want it to go away. I'll find my own way to deal with it."

His friend frowned heavily, "You know who says that? Addicts and people that go crazy. If your mind can't handle it it won't and you're only going to make it worse by ignoring it."

"You know I was planning on having a nice day with you but if you're just going to trudge up stuff then take me home. I don't need or want to talk about it," he snapped.

Stunned by his partners irritability he just stayed quiet while he tried to think about how to approach this a different way. "You know I'd never steer you wrong bro, I'm only trying to help."

"I know," he sighed. "I'll think about it ok? Is that good enough for now? Please Javi?"

It wasn't often Ryan begged and it of course got to him in a heartbeat. Who could push him when he was doing the puppy dog eyes, a force so powerful it even affected a retired soldier and homicide detective? "Yeah, that's good for now."


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Ryan's backstory might seem a little OOC but I like to think he's not quite as 'perfect' as he seems on the show and has some skeletons in his closet. Hope you like it.

More and more days slipped by, Ryan inching ever closer to returning back to work now that he was finally able to breath normally and activity wasn't wearing him out before his heart rate could even increase. Time had flown by recently and now he was only a mere week away from getting recertified and getting back to work.

He had finally begun sleeping well again thanks to Alexis staying over quite a bit and also heeding his partner's advice and speaking to someone about what happened and how to move past it. Only Alexis knew he was seeing a psychiatrist, it was really none of Beckett or Castle's business and while Javi had suggested it he really didn't want to discuss it him. He loved his partner, they were brothers in every sense of the word but lately they had just seemed to be on different pages and he wasn't sure if the lack of working together was doing it or something else. Text and phone calls had faded to maybe once a week and he hadn't even seen him in over three weeks. He could only hope that once he got back to work everything would even out again.

Esposito slid his key into the lock on Ryan's door and pushed it open, listening for a moment to make sure he was up. Hearing voices he entered more and headed for the kitchen and his partner who he hadn't seen lately. It wasn't a conscious decision to avoid him it had just been so hectic lately that they were drifting apart and he hated it. They had always meshed well, two halves to a whole but now everything seemed off kilter and forced. Every time Ryan called he would either be short with him because he was busy or just send it to voicemail because he didn't even know what to say to him. The hockey game weeks ago was the last time they actually enjoyed themselves and even then there had been a tense undertone. The only reason he could come up with was that work was the glue that held their harshly contrasting personalities together and since it had been removed they had begun to fall apart at the seams.

He entered the kitchen to find Ryan milling around and Alexis leaning against the counter watching him with an amused quirk to her lips. He frowned at how energetic Ryan seemed, boy was excitable but not this much. "Morning."

Ryan spun around and Esposito frowned further at his almost fully dilated pupils and runny nose that he kept messing with. "Hey Javi, what's up? I didn't make breakfast because Dev spent the night with a friend last night but I have coffee and it's really, really good. I've had a few cups already. You can probably tell. Can you tell? Yeah you can tell."

Alexis hid her smile behind her coffee cup.

"Yeah," he said quietly. "You look a little strung out bro. You sure it's just coffee you're on?" He meant it half serious and half as a joke but the expression on Ryan's face told him it wasn't funny or appreciated.

Very few people knew this fact but when Ryan was in narcotics the twenty-two year old had started using cocaine. No one at the precinct he worked in spoke about it and IA was never able to prove anything but more than half of the narcotics officers were drug addicts, completely functioning junkies. Esposito had worked with Ryan a few times when their cases intersected before the Irishman was transferred to homicide at the 12th and had seen just how strung out he could get. He could still picture a barely legal Ryan looking over their murder board excitedly with his bloodshot red-rimmed eyes and runny nose and dressed in civilian clothes consisting of t-shirts that seemed to hang off his wiry frame and jeans that always had holes in the knees because of his undercover work. Thankfully Beckett never worked directly with Ryan because it was pretty obvious something was off about him. When Ryan had shown up as his new partner six years ago he was happy, after all he liked the guy, but he had pulled him aside and informed him he wasn't going to put his life in the hands of someone who's just looking for their next fix. To his amazement Ryan had promised him to get it together and that was the end of it, never to be spoke about again. Until today.

"Why would you say that?" he bit out.

Dropping all pretenses Javier crossed his arms, "Because look at you Ry, you're practically vibrating with blown pupils and your nose is raw. You can't even stand still. I know what you look like on cocaine and I know you've been having a hard time dealing with what happened to you."

Alexis's eyes widened as her eyes darted to Kevin who was just staring in shock at his partner, betrayal shining from his sky blue eyes. "You really think I'd do that to Devlin? To you after I promised not to? Then you call me out about it in front of Lex? What the hell Esposito!" He shook his head as anger coursed through him, hands clenching into fists and his jaw jumping as his teeth clenched. "Caffeine and a decongestant for my terrible allergies which you'd know about if you actually came to see me once in a while. I can't believe you don't trust me! Screw you!"

Hearing the use of his surname informed him of just how badly he had screwed up. He tried to backpedal but Ryan was already walking away and the sound of a slamming door met his ears a moment later. He glanced at Alexis before turning and leaving the apartment without a word, deep in thought about why he had automatically assumed the worst in someone he always assumed the best in. Had things really gotten that bad between them?

Alexis jumped up and knocked on his bedroom door before entering. She found him sitting on the floor against the bed staring outside, his eyes narrowed in irritation and silently fuming. The tension rolling off him was palpable so she simply sat down next to him and laid her head on his shoulder trying to project some calm. "Tell me a secret."

He was still for a while before standing suddenly and walking to the closet to grab the box that contained all his memories. Once settled back on the floor he dug through it and pulled out a different picture album than she had seen before. She took it wordlessly from him and flipped it open to scan over the first few pictures.

"When I graduated high school I felt like I was finally free, no more nuns or anyone breathing down my neck convincing me that I was damned to hell. I was wrong of course because I still lived with my mom and dad who pretty much were smothering me, so with all the money I could scrounge up and my backpack I left." He pointed to a picture that he had taken himself, eighteen and smiling brightly with a highway behind him.

She flipped through a few more pages and laughed at one of him with three other guys, all dressed wildly and clearly drunk. "College?"

He finally grinned, "Nothing like it, as I'm sure you know. It was great to finally be on my own, free to make my own decisions. Everything was just so real and fun and I just did anything I wanted without worry for the future. We did so much stupid crap that I'm so thankful never got me arrested."

She smirked, "Spill."

His grin grew, "I wouldn't even know where to start. We did peyote once, oh my God. It was so nuts and when I finally came out of it I realized we had been tripping for two entire days and I kept thinking the guy with the horse I saw was real. Oh, then I met this girl one night and we hit it off. Come to find out her dad had no idea his seventeen year old daughter was even out with anyone and when he found me I was thankful I could run fast because furious wouldn't even do him justice."

"It's hard to picture you being a ladies man." She burst out laughing at his disgruntled look. "I just mean it doesn't seem like you're just a one night stand kind of guy."

"Unlike a lot of people I actually enjoy getting to know people but I'm still a guy and in college I was a young and stupid guy. I didn't want to work at a relationship so when it got serious I'd move to the next one." She shook her head in disbelief and flipped through the next few pictures.

"Wow," she whispered with a smile as she traced her fingers over a black and white.

Ryan's lips twitched, "Graduation from the academy. Best day of my life, I was so proud." It seemed like a lifetime ago as he stared at his younger self dressed in his uniform and smiling excitedly, his cap pushed up slightly exposing his young face. "I had just turned twenty-two."

She pulled her attention away from the pictures and met his eyes, "You never talk about any of this but it seems like you have mostly good memories. What happened? And what's the story about why you don't talk to your family?"

He wet his lips and turned the page before pointing, "First day I got transferred to narcotics."

"Tell me about rookie Ryan."

He laughed softly, "He was a disaster to say the least. I was so green; I'm surprised I didn't get into bad situations more than I did. My Sergeant was a sink-or-swim kind of guy; he just sort of threw me in the deep end and hoped for the best. I survived so I guess his methods worked."

She hesitantly asked, "So when did everything Esposito was talking about happen?"

He drew his legs up and rubbed the back of his neck as he pointed to a few pictures of himself, the decline of his health obvious. "Everyone made it seem like it was completely normal, I mean at least half of everybody on the floor was using something and it made undercover work more believable if you were just as screwed up as the guy you were trying to bust. Nobody really spoke about it but everyone would just kind of looked the other way when drugs from evidence went missing. I got so messed up so fast but God it was so much fun. You know those movies you watch where people are partying and out of control and you think 'that's not real'? That was what my life was like every day, just completely off the wall and I couldn't get enough of it." He shook his head and tried to regain his focus. "Things with my family went from bad to non-existent right after I became a narc."

Alexis waited patiently for him to collect his thoughts and felt guilty for pressing the matter when she saw how lost he looked.

"When I just left after graduating everyone was pretty upset, Ava was livid. I still came home for the holidays and even though things were a little strained we all still got along. My first Christmas in narcotics I went home and of course everyone could see just how bad I was, Dad and I got into a big argument in front of everyone and then he told me to never come back until I got it together. He was so upset with me, I was positive he was going to hit me but he just stood there which was so much worse. He wasn't angry, he was scared and it took me a long time to realize that."

He let his legs slide back out in front of him and stared blankly out the window again. "I haven't talked to them since that day. When I finally got clean I was so embarrassed and disappointed with myself that I never got the courage to call them or go home. I keep tabs on them but they have no idea I'm even still alive."

Alexis wrapped her arm around him and pulled him closer before kissing his cheek. She had to know how the story ended even though it was upsetting him but maybe once she understood everything she could help him. "When did you get clean?"

He sucked in an unsteady breath and nodded at Alexis when she held up a photo of himself and Esposito. "Javi made me get clean, said he wasn't working with a junkie. Homicide was my dream job so I focused and got it together, I wasn't about to mess it all up. After that everything just leveled out and the reign of psycho Kevin came to an end. I was happy and working with Beckett and Javi and then I met Jenny, then Dev came."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this sooner?" she asked quietly.

"I was scared of what you'd think. I know how I come off and I didn't want you to leave me because I ended up not being who you thought I was. People like to think of me as naïve and in a lot of ways I am but people trust what they know and I don't want everybody to think they don't know me."

She grabbed his face and met his gaze, "We all make mistakes Kev, all of us. It's what we do after out mistakes that defines us and you've done great. You act like the real you is the crazy Kevin but it's not. You're sweet and soft spoken and would rather spend a night inside with your son than go out and wreak havoc. I love you, all of you and nothing is going to change that. You can tell me anything."

"Speaking of telling people anything why don't you tell me a secret? After all I've told you, you owe me a big one."

She had a few she could share but she didn't think he wanted to hear anything that might bring them down so she went with the one that always made her laugh. "When I was seventeen I borrowed dad's car without him knowing and I hit a car while trying to park. I just panicked and pulled out and drove away and used nail polish to cover it up. He still has no idea."

Ryan began to laugh and when she blushed and glared he only laughed harder, all bad thoughts and emotions vanishing in an instant. He leaned forward and captured her lips before standing and pulling her up off the floor, "Come on let's get out of here. We'll go get Dev and do something fun today."

Happy that this hadn't ruined their day she tried to think of something entertaining, "What about the Zoo and maybe the park afterwards?"

"Yes!" he exclaimed excitedly. "Dev loves elephants."

"My favorite would have to be the tigers, what's yours?" she wondered as they exited the apartment and began to walk down the hall.

He glanced over, "Don't laugh but I like the fossae."

She shook her head as they descended down the stairs, "You would, you can't do or like anything normal can you?"

Fighting a laugh he kept his eyes forward, "What does that say about you?" Out of the corner of her eye he saw her raise her hand but before she could swat him he sprinted out of the building, laughter following him.

Castle couldn't take it any longer in the precinct, between Esposito moping around because of some conflict with him and his work wife and Beckett running on just fumes it was beginning to become unbearable. Even the captain had been avoiding them all day.

"Come on, we're going to get something to eat," he finally declared.

Beckett shook her head tiredly, "Castle we can't. I'm still waiting on the autopsy results and I still need to interview Mr. Carlson."

He grabbed her jacket and held it up for her to slip on, "And everything will still be here in an hour. Come on, please? We'll go to that place with those little spring rolls you love so much but won't admit to."

"They're not that good," she grinned as she grabbed her keys out of her desk.

"Well then we won't go there," he said slyly.

She whipped around and faced him, "But if you wanted to go there we could. You know, because you like the food so much."

He smirked, "Of course, we'll go there because I love it so much."

Once seated on the patio he felt his stress begin to ebb and was pleased to see Beckett looked much more relaxed also. He glanced around at the scenery and more particularly at the park across the street.

His eyes lit up and he smiled, "Hey look it's Alexis, Devlin, and Ryan." Beckett turned to look and they both watched as Devlin let go of his dad's hand and ran towards the playground leaving Ryan and Alexis standing at the edge. Beckett's eyes widened and Castle's jaw dropped as they observed Ryan wrapping his arms around Alexis's waist and kissing her softly.

Beckett instantly looked at her lunch companion, "Castle…"

"Did you know?" he asked with a hard tone.

"What? No! I'm just as surprised as you are."

Castle shook his head in disbelief as he watched his little girl stick her hand in the back pocket of Ryan's jeans and lay her head on his shoulder. "I have to stop this. He's taking advantage of her."

"What?" Beckett said with slight offense on behalf of her youngest detective. "Ryan doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. He'd never hurt anyone and did you really not suspect anything? I mean she lived with him for a month and he's only got a two bedroom apartment, something was bound to happen."

He sputtered as his face turned a deep red, "Why am I the last to know that Alexis didn't have her own room and of course I suspected but I didn't want to believe it. I mean how could Alexis not tell me about this, and how could Ryan do this to me?" His eyes were locked on the pair who were now sitting on a bench. "How do you know that he's not malicious? What do we really know about Ryan?"

"I've been there the last six years of his life Castle, I'd like to think I know him pretty well," she said sarcastically.

Finally tearing his attention away from his daughter he looked at Beckett. "Are you defending him? Are you seriously alright with this?"

"I'm not defending him I just think we need to talk to Ryan before we jump to conclusions." Seeing his wild hand gestures she shook her head. "I know what it looks like and I'm just as uncomfortable with it as you are but we're all adults and we need to handle it like adults."

Castle glared at the pair out the window again, "I'm going out there." He tried to stand but Beckett grabbed his arm and forced him back down.

"You are not going anywhere. Talk to Alexis in private, don't call her out and make a scene especially with Devlin there. I know you love Alexis and want to protect her but you have to take a step back right now. We will talk to Ryan when we see him next week."

"But…"

"Castle."

"Fine."

Ryan and Alexis dropped down onto a bench and watched Devlin play for a while until he ran over excitedly and pointed to the other side of the park, "Can I have ice cream?" Before he could even respond to his son Alexis had grabbed the smallest Ryan's hand and stood with an exclamation of, "Of course!" She held out her hand expectantly and Ryan shook his head as he fought a smile and handed her a bill from his wallet.

The pair walked over to the vendor and Alexis held Devlin up so he could pick what he wanted, mint chocolate chip ended up being the winner. After paying she leaned down and handed him the cone.

"Thank you mommy."

She stiffened and felt her throat constrict at his innocent words. Fighting tears she rubbed her knuckles down his cheek, "You're welcome." The words made her more happy than she could have imagined but also planted seeds of unrest. What would Kevin say? Would he be pleased that his son felt so secure with her or angry that she was taking his wife's rightful place?

"Are you coming?" Dev asked.

She grabbed his hand and the two began to walk back towards Ryan, Alexis trying to think of how to ask a five-year old if he meant to call her that or it just slipped out. "You called me mommy." It didn't come out exactly like she wanted it to but she knew Devlin was intelligent enough to understand the question.

"I have two mommies who I love and they love me. One of my mommies is in heaven and she watches over me and daddy. You're my other mommy," he explained as he happily licked at his cone. When they got back to the bench Devlin wandered back to the playground and Alexis handed Ryan his change before dropping down next to him without a word.

He frowned when he saw she was much more tense than ten minutes ago. "You ok?"

She was faced with two options here, she could tell him and discuss it like people in a relationship should or she could choose not to tell him and hope Dev didn't say it in front of him. "Devlin called me mommy."

Her attention was fully on Ryan's face and eyes looking for any sign of what he might be thinking, all she got though has a low sound of acknowledgment and a contemplative expression. She waited impatiently for him to say something and forced herself to not keep talking while he figured out what he thought about it.

"Did that bother you?"

"Not at all," she instantly answered. "Does it bother you?"

He bit the inside of his cheek, "Jenny's been gone for almost three and a half years and honestly yes it does bother me a little but it was inevitable that Dev would eventually call someone else mom. If he's going to call anyone that I want it to be someone who actually loves him and won't hurt him. Someone like you."

She sagged in relief and leaned against him, the pair sitting quietly until two women walked by pushing strollers. Small cherub faces giggled happily and tiny balled up fists waved wildly as they passed. Ryan glanced at Alexis and smiled, he had seen that look many times before on his sister's faces and Jenny's. "Don't let them fool you, it's all sunshine and roses when they're happy but it gets bad fast when they're not. First two months of Devlin's life I was convinced that Dev was short for Devil, all he did was scream and vomit."

Alexis laughed and relaxed into him, "He's good now."

"Thank God, I wanted to rename him Damien but Jenny wouldn't let me." They were quiet for a while until Ryan casually asked, "How many kids do you want?" When she looked slightly baffled he gave her a flat look, "I grew up with four sisters, their entire lives were planned by the time they were ten. I know you've thought about your wedding and kids."

"Busted," she replied as she laid her head back down on his shoulder. "I always wanted two, it was kind of lonely growing up without siblings."

He shrugged, "I wouldn't know. My entire life was people around me constantly, I used to have to barricade myself in the closet to get any sort of reprieve."

"So what about you," Alexis asked. "Do you think you'll have more kids?"

He smiled at Devlin when he waved from the swings, "I'd like to, I mean I come from a big family but I'm not holding my breath. Sometimes life doesn't pan out like we planned."

"You're still young, there's plenty of life left for us to make things happen." He glanced down at her and his lips twitched as she shyly smiled. They never spoke about the future, it was still extremely early in their relationship but it was nice to know that when she thought of the future, he was included. With a soft kiss to her full lips he hugged her closer, completely unaware of the angry eyes that watched them.


	19. Chapter 19

Ryan groaned when a small bundle of energy jumped on top of him and burrowed under the covers. "Dev it's early." He could still feel movement but kept his eyes closed until he felt warm puffs of breath against his nose. His lids finally slid open to meet eyes identical to his own. "Is there any particular reason your sticking your cold feet against my warm legs?"

Devlin smiled, "Daddy can we make crêpes for breakfast?"

His eyebrows shot up before scrunching in confusion, "Where did you even hear that word? Have you been watching Food Network again?"

He giggled and nodded, "Mommy and I watch it to make dinner." Ryan pulled him close and hugged him, surprised he felt more joy than sorrow at his son's title for his girlfriend. Devlin tried to squirm his way out of the grip but finally stilled and released a whined, "Dad."

Ryan sat up and yawned, "That's daddy to you mister and we can try. I'm not exactly a master chef." He climbed out of bed and slipped on a shirt, forgoing pants since it was just him and Dev today and wandered to the kitchen before digging out ingredients from the fridge. An hour later Ryan and Dev stood next to each other in the kitchen staring into the burnt frying pan at what might have at one time passed for edible. "Well…" Ryan started before trailing off when he looked around and saw they had trashed the entire kitchen.

He began to laugh at how this must look, a man standing in his destroyed kitchen wearing black boxers and a Superman t-shirt watching his son who was staring up at him expectantly with a face covered in flour. "I don't think I want crepes anymore daddy."

"That's probably a good thing. How about we clean this up and run down to the store. Biscuits and gravy ok?"

Relief flooded across his young face and he nodded as he grabbed the paper towels and got to work.

Meanwhile in a much larger kitchen many blocks away a father and his child were about to have a much more interesting conversation. All night Castle had tossed and turned in his bed trying to think about how to discuss the issue at hand with his pride and joy. He felt betrayed by her not telling him and angry at Ryan for pursuing something with his daughter. Scratch that, furious at Ryan for going after his daughter and showing a total lack of respect for him and their friendship. He had even watched Devlin for him and this is how he got repaid? Had Ryan been playing him the entire time with the nice guy act, playing everyone? Kate seemed to think he was on the up and up but even she had seemed angry underneath her rational words during their lunch. At least she hadn't known and kept it from him. Wait. Esposito had to have known and he never said anything but it wasn't that much of a surprise, it was quite obvious where his loyalties lie. Those two were a duo unlike any other, like Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. Scratch that, more like Andy Taylor and Barney Fife. Scratch that again, more like Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Alexis happily trotted down the stairs from her room, showered and dressed for the day. "Morning dad!"

Forced out of his thoughts he set down his newspaper and smiled before rising to serve her some breakfast. Once both were seated comfortably he turned in his chair to fully face her. "I haven't seen you in a while, it seems like you're always out doing something."

"I could say the same," she replied easily. "You're always working at the precinct."

"Speaking of how are things with Ryan and Devlin? Is Ryan ready for work next Monday?"

She smiled serenely, "They're great. Dev's always good and Ryan's completely recovered. He's excited to get back to work soon, it's been driving him crazy just sitting at home with nothing to do."

Castle nodded pleasantly, "That's great honey. So I went out with Beckett to lunch yesterday."

"Really? Where'd you go?" she asked innocently.

"To that Vietnamese restaurant by that little park with all the trees." He watched as Alexis faltered slightly. "You have a really good view of the playground from the patio."

Alexis bit her lip and closed her eyes as she tried to ready herself for what was about to be said. Her dad was leading her and she had no choice but to follow. "Dad, I…"

He shook his head in disappointment, "How long Alexis? I don't want you getting hurt."

"Since right before his accident but dad he'd never hurt me. He's a wonderful person," she argued.

Castle balked as tension began to rise, "Wonderful person? He's prowling on little girls; you're eight years younger than him. That's not normal, it's wrong."

Alexis's expression hardened, "And you're seven years older than Kate. He's not prowling on anyone; I'm the one that pushed it not him. I'm twenty-two now dad, I make my own choices. I love him." Seeing her dad's still heated expression she continued, "He loves me too. This isn't some casual thing, it's real. I need you to be ok with this."

He began to pace around trying to stay calm because if Alexis started to cry he would definitely lose this argument. "I don't know if I can be. I mean I work with him, he's a friend and now he's dating you? I know he's younger than me but that's still really weird and could mess up the entire dynamic at the precinct. I just want you to know what you're getting into and I don't think you do and don't tell me you're old enough to make your own choices. As long as I'm alive I'm your dad and I will decide what's good for you and Ryan is not. We don't really even know Ryan, only Esposito does and he doesn't share. He can't be as much of a goody-two-shoes as he acts."

She crossed her arms and stood her ground, "I know quite a bit about him, both good and bad and he really is super sweet. What you see is what you get with him."

He shook his head, "I don't believe it. You are ending this, right now. Call him and tell him whatever this is, is over."

"No! I'm not going to break up with him!"

Maybe a change in topic would help. "Why didn't you tell me about this? I shouldn't have had to find out by accident. You know you can tell me anything and you always do. People hide things because they know they're wrong."

"It's not wrong that I love him. I just…" She shook her head and sighed. "It just took me so long to get him comfortable with the idea of us I was afraid that if anyone said anything to him he'd break it off and I didn't want him to. I didn't want you to scare him away. I love him."

Castle looked at his daughter for several minutes before smiling sadly, "When did you grow up? Where's my little girl?"

She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. "She's still right here, but she's not just your little girl anymore."

Castle hugged her tightly, "I have to ask though, are you sure about this? You're not just dating Ryan you're mothering his child, that's a huge burden. Do you really want the responsibility of raising a child that was born when you were only seventeen? What about your career, everything you've worked for?"

Alexis withheld a groan. "Dad, this has nothing to do with that. My life doesn't just stop because I'm with Kevin and Devlin is my world, I can't imagine my life without him. Just the thought makes me feel sick."

Never one to give in without a fight Castle tried to think of anything else to say. "What if Ryan's only with you because you're young and beautiful, or because you do things for him? I know how special you are but I don't think Ryan does. He's using you honey, free child care and a beautiful girl on his arm that cooks and cleans for him. Ryan has a way with words and getting what he wants, he convinces people to help him and do things for him. He's playing you."

"Don't insult us like that," she shouted angrily as she jerked away from him. "I'm not stupid dad and he's not someone that would just use people to get what he wants. I wish you really knew him and how unbelievable he is, how much he's been through but even if you don't know Kevin can't you at least trust your own daughter? Do you trust me or not?"

"Of course I trust you."

"Good and I'm done talking about this, I'm old enough to make my own decisions and you need to respect them. You raised me and you did an amazing job but it's time for you to let me live my own life. For what it's worth I'm sorry you had to find out like that, I should have just told you. I love you dad and if you love me like I know you do then you won't make me choose between the two of you. I don't like it when we argue about things."

"Me either," he said quietly. "I'll try to stay out of your personal life, I can't promise but I will try. I'm still going to talk to Ryan though."

"I wouldn't expect any less but promise me you won't give him too much of a hard time when you see him," she asked nervously. She knew the only reason she had gotten off so easily was because her dad loved her so much and hated to upset her. Ryan on the other hand didn't have much to hide behind, apart from a good friendship, which she was pretty sure her dad was now questioning and picking apart piece by piece.

Castle smiled down at his daughter and kissed the top of her head, "I don't make promises I can't keep." After a moment he pulled back, "I'm going to swing by his place and talk to him right now."

"No you're not," Alexis demanded. "You are not going over there and confronting him while he and Dev are spending the day together. If you upset that beautiful child I will never forgive you. You wait until Kevin goes back to work to talk to him. Promise me."

He stared at his daughter's no-nonsense expression with her hands on her hips and nodded, "I promise I won't go over there and upset Devlin."

Ryan's phone began to vibrate from his pocket and he pulled it out and stared at the screen for a second before hitting ignore. "Hey Dev did you pick out a game yet?"

A small voice shouted from the other side of the apartment, "Yes!"

Quick knocks on the door made him turn away from his path towards his son's room and head for the door. He swung it open but tried to slam it shut a second later when he saw it was his partner. Javier was too quick though and stopped it before it could shut all the way. "I called but you ignored me and I could have just came in but I was trying to be polite," he grunted as the two fought on either side of the wooden object.

"Polite? Like you were the other day?" Ryan spat. "I wasn't going to tell her about that but you blew that out of the water didn't you? You happy Esposito, are you happy that my girlfriend knows I was a drugged out loser?"

Esposito shouldered his way in and closed the door before leaning against it, "I'm sorry ok? Like I said I just know you're having a hard time with what happened and you looked high bro. It was like a flashback to crackhead Ryan." He expected anger but what he got was just a pained Ryan, eyes shining with so much hurt and betrayal he felt nauseous.

"You really think I'd do that?" he asked in a small voice. "I grew up."

Javier was at a loss for what to say but before he could even at least try to offer something Ryan cut him off. "I'm spending the day with Dev. He's waiting for me in his room so if you could leave that'd be great."

He nodded and stepped back, "I made a mistake Ry and I'm sorry for that. My mind just jumped to the worst and I should have kept my mouth shut. I know you wouldn't do that to Dev or me or anyone. Are you and Alexis still ok?"

"By some miracle we're fine."

Both men stood uncomfortably next to each other until Ryan finally relaxed his stiff posture. "I've been talking to somebody about…" He cleared his throat and waved his hand around in a vague fashion. "Everything. I've been going for six weeks now and it's helped a lot."

Esposito nodded and couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief at the fact Ryan was at least speaking to him in a civil tone. "That's good."

"Yeah," he agreed. "I had to do something, I think I was starting to make Dev nervous." He had been standing in the bathroom staring at the scars on his chest when a flashback had pulled him away from the present and thrust him back into the alley. It was like he was there, freezing cold and soaked with his own life force on the asphalt and trying to pull any air he could into his uncooperative lungs. Javi trying to speak over his horrible gurgling rasps while he wondered who was going to take care of his son. He had finally been pulled from his memory by Devlin who was tugging on his hand and when he looked at his frightened son he knew he couldn't wait any longer to fix this.

"Speaking of he's waiting for me so…"

Taking the hint Javier grabbed the door and exited to the hallway, still feeling unsure about where he stood with his best friend. Ryan cleared it up pretty quickly. "I'll give you a call tomorrow, maybe we can grab a beer at The Old Haunt or something. We need to figure out how to fix whatever the hell happened to us because this sucks."

"Sounds good bro." He went to leave but stopped when his partner grabbed his shoulder and met his eyes, an unfamiliar glint in Ryan's baby blues filing him with unease.

"You ever call me out like that again in front of somebody we're going to have a problem. You have an issue you talk to me and me alone about it. Talk to you tomorrow."

Sunday night Ryan and Alexis sat on the couch in his apartment quietly watching a movie, Devlin squeezed between them fast asleep. "I don't know how I feel about you going back to work tomorrow."

Ryan shifted his attention away from the tv to her and frowned, "What do you mean?"

She stared down at Devlin and began to rub her fingers through his hair, just like she enjoyed doing to his father. "I know you're excited to get back but I'm just scared something's going to happen again."

"There's always a possibility something is going to happen but this is the life I chose and I stand by it."

"I know," she said softly. "I just worry."

He laid his arm over the back of the couch and began to play with her silky hair, "Don't, everything will be fine. Out of the roughly eight hundred thousand police officers in the US, one hundred and nineteen were killed last year. I think my odds are pretty good."

She wanted to argue that the odds had been the same the day he got shot and that he had been one of the few unlucky ones, that he had technically died but she knew it was pointless. He loved his job and nothing would keep him from it and it would be detrimental to their relationship to even try. The choice had been hers and she knew what she was getting into when they got together and now all she could do was support him. "Plus Esposito won't ever let you out of his sight again."

He laughed softly, "I know when we went out a few days ago I had to tell him to back off, he was being a mother hen. The bartender kept giving us weird looks."

"How'd that go anyway? I know things between you two have been tense."

Devlin suddenly shifted and both quieted before he got comfortable again, his head on Alexis's lap and feet tucked against Ryan. "We're good now and I really don't know what happened before. I guess between Javi working and me being at home we just drifted apart but as of tomorrow everything will be back to normal." His son shifted again and Ryan carefully lifted his small p.j. clad body and walked to his room. After tucking him in he exited quietly and saw that Alexis was gathering her belongings and slipping on her jacket. "You going home?"

With a small smile she nodded, "I've been here for two days, I need to go back home. I'll be back in the morning to take care of Dev."

They walked to the door but Ryan paused as he caught his reflection in the mirror on the wall. "I need a haircut," he mentioned with a frown as he ran his fingers through his hair. "It's getting long."

It didn't bother her in the slightest, she liked it when he looked a little messy but she knew it drove him crazy. "I could cut it for you."

He shook his head quickly, "No way. I've heard those words before and I ended up with a bald spot. I had to wear a hat for two weeks in the middle of summer."

She ran her hands through the strands and looked at the edges, "I can do it. Have a little faith."

"I've heard those words too, right before Javi threw me off a fire escape."

Her hand flew to her mouth to smother the laughter that would surely wake Devlin. "Just think about it, I promise I'll do a good job."

"I will consider it," he whispered with a large grin before grabbing her into a tight hug. "I can't thank you enough for everything you do for me. I couldn't have done the last three months without you."

Her hands lifted and gently grasped his face before she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. She could never envision herself getting tired of kissing him, he always seemed to know exactly what she wanted and right now was no exception. Soft and hesitant yet passionate and bold, arms holding her just snugly enough, every touch making her ache. With much reluctance she ended the kiss but stayed wrapped in his arms. "You don't have to thank me, I do it because I love you."

"I love you too."

No matter how many times he said it, it still made her blush every single time. "Tell me a secret."

"I love musicals; Les Misérables, The Sound of Music, The Phantom of the Opera. All of them and please do not ever repeat that to anyone. Ever."

She stifled a laugh and looked at him with a mischievous smile, "Even Rocky Horror Picture Show?"

He nodded and stared down at her with his usual slightly amused expression that she adored, "Especially Rocky Horror. In college my friends and I would go every Halloween to watch it, we used to dress up and everything. It's my guilty pleasure."

With one more kiss she exited and walked to her car. She was already halfway home when it occurred to her that she never told him her dad knew about their relationship. After a quick conversation with her conscious she decided to just let it be and not get involved, she loved both of them and couldn't take a side. All she could do was hope for the best and pray that everyone came out intact on the other side of the brewing storm.


	20. Chapter 20

Castle walked into the precinct early afternoon and straight into the break room where Ryan and Esposito were halfway on the table wrestling for the last doughnut. Esposito was winning as Ryan tried valiantly to reach the object of his desire but his fingers just couldn't reach the sugary confection. "You don't even eat breakfast!" Esposito growled as he stretched his arm as far as he could.

"These doughnuts are from the best bakery in the city, give me the damn thing!"

Figuring the only way for two boys to stop fighting over something is to remove it he walked over and plucked it out of Esposito's hand and took a large bite. A whine of, "Castle" from Ryan and a shocked, "Bro!" fell on deaf ears as he took another bite of the delicious pastry. "Good to see you back Ryan, how're you feeling?"

Something about the other man's tone made him weary. "Can't complain, I'm all healed up. Glad to be back to work," he answered as he untangled himself from his partner and straightened his jacket.

Castle gave him a genuine smile, yes he was beyond irate but he was still glad Ryan was alive and well. "Good to hear. So there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

Ryan looked at Esposito with wide eyes, the other man grimacing and quickly leaving the break room with a mumbled excuse. He turned and looked at Castle before giving a nervous, "Yeah?"

Castle nodded at the door, "Shut that please, this is private." Ryan did as told and walked over to the opposite side of the table than Castle.

"I know."

Who knew only two words could cause so much fear? Blind panic began to rise in Ryan and even though he'd never admit it Castle enjoyed watching the younger man squirm. Ryan glanced at the door as if planning his escape before looking back at the much larger man. "Castle, it's not what you think. I never meant for it to happen."

Castle crossed his arms and fought off an evil smirk at how nervous Ryan looked, his usual cool and calm demeanor unraveling with every word. "Well if it's not what I think it is, what is it?"

Ryan opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally giving up, "I have no idea how to answer that. I really don't see how I can escape this without any harm."

"Why don't you just tell me the truth, what is going on with you and my daughter?" he asked as he sat down and indicated Ryan should do the same.

"I never meant for it to happen but it just kind of did," he quickly said as he dropped into a chair. "We wanted to tell you but we didn't know how because really how do you start a conversation that ends with 'I'm sleeping with your daughter'?"

Damn it, he really needed to start working on that speaking without thinking thing.

"You're what?" Castle shouted as he jumped up from the table and began to circle around it. He had come in here planning to just talk to him and discuss this like two adults but his fatherly instincts flared and all rational thought left him in the blink of an eye. Ever since Alexis was little he had always fought to protect her, to keep her happy and safe and made a promise to himself to annihilate anyone who he deemed unworthy of her affections. It didn't matter that he'd known Ryan for years and been through thick and thin with him, this was his daughter they were talking about. His precious little gem that was supposed to be young and innocent forever and was apparently being defiled by the leprechaun with the height issue in front of him.

Ryan held out his hands and ran to the other side keeping the object between them. "Well I... I... I thought it was obvious, I mean we... we've been together for a while now," he stuttered.

Castle tried to grab him but he skittered away. "This is a while to you? Didn't waste any time did you?" He lunged again and Ryan hurriedly swung a chair out in between them. "How could you hide this from me? Do you just have no respect for me?"

"Of course I do! I just didn't know how to bring it up and more and more time went by."

Fed up with excuses he slammed his hand down on the table, "I can't believe you'd take advantage of Alexis like this, I thought I knew you better than that."

Ryan froze as his jaw dropped and he angrily repeated, "Take advantage?" Steeling himself he squared his chest and walked around the table to face Castle, eye to eye. Or as eye-to-eye one could get when you were six inches shorter than the other person. "She's not some victim and I'm not some… some creep. You treat me with respect Castle, I think I've earned it."

Castle stared down at the angry man and pointed down at him furiously, "I'm not ok with you being with Alexis."

Ryan stepped forward until they were almost touching, "Well get used to it because I'm not going anywhere."

"Do you really want to get on my bad side?"

The detective's eyes narrowed, "Do you?"

Esposito and Beckett were suddenly there pulling them apart and stepping in between them.

"Jenny would be so proud," Castle sneered under his breath.

Thank goodness Esposito was quick because Ryan was around him and almost to Castle before anyone else could even blink. He grabbed him around the chest and wrestled him backwards, "Relax Ry. Deep breath." His grip held strong and tight while the two other people in the room walked away, fear of what Ryan might do making him hold strong to his still struggling partner. He had learned long ago that size had nothing to do with strength and he knew that even though Ryan appeared small and lean he could do serious damage in a short amount of time of he really wanted to.

Once Beckett pulled Castle out of the room and away from where he could see Ryan she asked, "What the hell was that?" One look at his face and she knew. "This is about Alexis isn't it?" She sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth and wondered how this was all going to work out. Ryan was employed by the city and Castle was only there as an official advisor, if push came to shove he would have to leave, not Ryan. She needed to figure out a way to diffuse the ticking bomb in front of her but he was so angry she didn't even know where to begin. She didn't have kids, she had no idea what was going through Castle's mind but she knew how much he loved his daughter and how far he would go to keep her safe. The past few years had been filled with enough evidence supporting the idea that all Castle's objectivity and logic went out the window when it came to people he cared about and Alexis was at the tippy top of that list.

"I don't want her with him Kate."

She shook her head, "She's twenty-two Castle, she can be with who she wants and what's so wrong with Ryan? I thought you liked Ryan."

"I did! That was before I found out he was sleeping with my little girl," he said furiously. "And I thought you were going to talk to him."

"He just got back fifteen minutes ago, he had to re-qualify before he could get his gun and badge back." A heavy sigh escaped her at all the tension and she looked over at Ryan's and Esposito's desks where Ryan was silently fuming while Esposito watched him half in concern and half in amusement. Figuring this was as good a time as any she walked away from Castle and after crossing the bullpen grabbed Ryan's arm and pulled him to the interrogation observation room.

"Sit."

Ryan instantly dropped into a chair and looked up at her, "You're not taking his side are you?"

Beckett leaned against the desk pushed into the corner and critically eyed her youngest detective. He looked nervous, he always did when he thought he was in trouble but still looked furious. She liked to think she knew him pretty well and in her time with him he had always been sweet and considerate of others. He never seemed selfish and she knew he wore his heart on his sleeve which was going to make this conversation difficult.

"There isn't a side to take Ryan and I suggest you rearrange your attitude." He looked properly chastised so she continued. "Alexis is a very special girl and over the years I've started to feel protective of her. She doesn't have a lot of women to talk to so she comes to me with everything and I've tried to offer her honest advice that she can use to make good decisions. We've become pretty close. With that being said I have to ask Ryan, what the hell were you thinking?"

It was obvious it was taking everything he had to stay seated and somewhat calm, he was wound so tight she could see where his knuckles were turning white from his grip on the edges of the chair. "I was thinking I was able to make my own damn decisions when it came to my life," he spat before adding a terse, "Boss." At her pinched expression he blew out a breath and counted to ten before trying again.

"Kate," he started and Beckett sat up a little straighter at the use of her first name. "She makes me happy, makes me feel like there's actually a tomorrow. I laugh when I'm with her and look forward to getting to see her when I get home. She makes me think about the future and not shy away from it. She makes me feel alive. Dev adores her, calls her mommy."

The words made her heart clench, "Do you love her Kevin?"

"Other than Dev, more than anything."

Beckett crossed her arms and stared at the wall for a minute before shaking her head, "You couldn't find that with someone else though? I'm just trying to understand why you perused this with someone eight years your junior and Castle's daughter of all people."

He threw his hands up into the air, "I didn't! Alexis pushed it and I'm not going to insult your intelligence by saying I didn't want it too but it wasn't just me and why should I have to find love with somebody else? Everyone's caught on the fact that Alexis is Castle's daughter but she's more than that, she's her own person. We're both adults and yeah it's a little bit of an age gap and I'm not trying to shift focus but what about you and Castle? What exactly is the magic number here and who decides it?"

Seeing she had no rebuttal he allowed himself an internal pat on the back before continuing. "I shouldn't have to keep defending myself to people that supposedly know me. I'm trying really hard to not take too much offense here but I'm starting to think you all have an issue with me."

Beckett uncrossed her arms and laid one on his shoulder, "We don't have any issues with you Ryan and you're right that you shouldn't have to defend yourself it's just this was… unexpected, to say the least."

"What do you want from me?" he finally asked. "I understand you're not happy but what do you want me to do about it? Break it off? Just tell Lex, 'sorry but I guess love isn't enough'?"

"No," she said patiently. "I just want to know that your head is in the right place."

Ryan met her gaze head on, "Have I ever gave you reason to think I don't think rationally ninety nine percent of the time? Have I ever gave you reason to question my judgment?"

"No."

He shrugged, "Well that's all I got so…"

She finally smiled, "That's good enough for me. Castle on the other hand…"

Ryan stood and leaned against the glass, "I can see everything from his point of view. I'm not obtuse, I get it but I can't let her go, won't let her go and if Castle can't get behind that I don't know what's going to happen. I mean Castle's my friend but Alexis is my everything."

Beckett stood and made her way to the door, "If he's your friend and you understand where he's coming from than you'll know that he needs time to process this. You two really should have just told him."

"Yeah I know but it's too late now."

They exited the room and Esposito stood and waved a piece of paper back and forth from his desk, "Got a lead." Ryan made his way to his partner while Beckett walked over to Castle who was still standing where she left him by the stairs. "Espo has a lead, can you be professional with Ryan right now?"

"I'm always professional," he bit out.

Beckett walked to her desk and grabbed her coat before walking to the elevator, her two detectives following. Esposito subtly took a step forward and positioned himself between Ryan and Castle but neither ever spoke or tried to touch each other. They rode separately and Esposito and Beckett took lead since Ryan and Castle were staying unusually quiet. After a stressful couple hours Beckett shook her head at the pair and stopped Ryan from getting in the car with his partner. "I'm not doing this all day, you two work this out now. Ryan stop glaring at Castle, and Castle use your words."

Ryan crossed his arms in defiance, "Until he says sorry I'm not saying anything to him."

Castle pursed his lips together but a withering look from Beckett made him huff out a sarcastic, "Sorry."

"No, no you have to mean it," Ryan shouted angrily from beside the car. Esposito leaned against the side of the bright red Charger, this could take a while.

Castle began to walk forward, Ryan doing to the same and both Beckett and Javier tensed waiting for a scuffle to ensue. Castle had size on his side but Ryan had professional training. Both men stopped a few inches from each other and Castle was the first to speak. "I wanted more for her Ryan and if you love her like she thinks you do then you'd want more for her too. She doesn't need you, you need her. She's not your maid and it's your job to raise Devlin, not hers," he bit out harshly.

Ryan hadn't been this pissed off in a long time. "Don't drag my son into this, this has nothing to do with him. Just say it Castle, you've never filtered yourself before so just say it. I'm not good enough, the problem is me."

The larger man nodded, "You want me to say it? Fine. You're the problem. You're a mess since Jenny died and then when you finally get it together you get shot. I can see it all over your face Ryan, you're a wreck. All the flinches today and I saw how you shied away from that suspect, you shouldn't even be out here putting all of us in danger. I don't want Alexis to waste her time trying to fix something that can't be fixed."

"Oh get off your high horse!" he shouted and saw Beckett tense at the outburst. He knew it was a rarity for him to get truly upset and hated that they were all witnessing it right now. "You don't know shit about me and apparently you don't know much about Alexis. I'd never put Javi, Kate, or you in danger. I've tried to be civil but you just keep going below the belt. You're not perfect Castle, quit acting like it. You want to talk about proud? I'm sure Alexis will be so proud of you when she learns about this."

His head snapped back when a fist connected with his face and he stumbled backwards before catching himself. He held out a hand when he heard his partner approaching and touched his nose, staring at the blood on his trembling fingers. His eyes met Castle's and he shook his head in disbelief at the fact he had been hit by someone he trusted. Every instinct in him was screaming to attack, to meet him word for terrible word and fist for brutal fist but he held himself back. He was a better man than that.

"I love Alexis, she's incredible and Dev's happy when he's with her. We wanted to tell you but we didn't know how without it making it sound like both of us abused your trust and I'm sorry for that. I'm not letting her go and I won't stand for you insulting my morals and me. You're my friend Castle and I don't want to mess that up but for the first time since Jenny died I don't feel scared and alone." He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to stop it from dripping on his suit. "And you don't ever try to use Jenny against me again. Ever. You want to insult me fine but you don't use my dead wife to do it."

The pause that followed was so tense Ryan almost started to prepare for the second punch that was sure to come but then something totally unexpected happened. Castle relaxed slightly. "She said you loved her but I didn't believe it and I apologize for being out of line. She deserves the best, someone who will love her and treat her like the amazing girl she is and only time will tell if you're that person. I also apologize for my comment about Jenny, that was rude and unnecessary."

Ryan's eyes narrowed, "That's it? You punch me and tell me I'm too broken to fix and that's your apology?"

Castle nodded, "Yes, consider us even since you hid things behind my back, and started a relationship with my daughter without my knowledge or consent. You disrespected me in the worst way Ryan, that's not something I'm just going to forget."

Silence fell upon the pair until Beckett shouted, "Are you two done hugging it out because we have leads to follow." Castle instantly turned and walked back to her leaving Ryan just standing there, vibrating with pent up aggression. It took some doing but he walked back to his and Esposito's car and he took the offered hanky to clean up the blood on his face.

"Everything cool with you and Castle?"

"He thinks it is," he said bitterly.

The dark skinned man put the car into drive and pulled out onto the road, "Why isn't it? What'd he say that got you so worked up?"

Ryan pursed his lips and debated telling him but the more he thought about Castle's words the more correct they seemed. Instead of telling him what was said he quietly asked, "Can I not be fixed?"

"You lost me bro."

"Never mind," he mumbled as he stared out the window. When they got back to the precinct Ryan sat down at his desk and when Beckett announced they could go home he left without a word to anyone. When he arrived at his place he looked around but there wasn't anyone there, a note on the fridge informed him that Alexis had taken Devlin out to dinner since they weren't sure when he would be home and that they would be back later tonight.

His eyes began to burn and he let the tears fall as he walked to his room and threw his jacket onto the bed before wandering into the bathroom. Once inside he fell to the floor and pressed himself into the corner as he thought about the disaster he called life. With the exception of Devlin everything in his entire life had always gone wrong; the drugs, Jenny had died, his family didn't talk to him, he got shot and now he was dragging Alexis into it all. Castle was right, he was just a big mess and Alexis did deserve better. A warm hand on his leg made him stare up with wide tear filled eyes.

Alexis stared down at her boyfriend and felt her heart break at his broken expression. She dropped down and pulled him to her and even though she wanted to ask what was wrong she stayed silent as he clung to her like a lifeline. What in the world could have happened on his first day back to reduce him to this?

When he finally calmed down she grabbed his face and wiped away his tears, "I'm going to put Devlin to bed ok? Why don't you take a shower and get into bed while I do."

He just nodded and waited for her to leave the room before stripping and climbing under the scalding spray of water. It wasn't long before his pale skin was bright pink and when he stared down at the drain he frowned at the pink swirl, his nose was bleeding again. Anger flooded through him as he swiped at the viscous fluid on his face and he barely restrained himself from screaming out his frustration and embarrassment for losing it in front of Alexis. She didn't need to know about his and Castle's argument, or the punch or anything that would cause her stress. The sound of the door opening and closing barely registered until cold air hit him followed by cool hands on his back.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alexis asked softly as she hugged him close.

He immediately shifted and turned her so she was under the spray. "Alexis," he began and dread filled her at his use of her full name and his lack of eye contact. "What if we were wrong about this? Maybe it's better if we just stay friends."

It took every ounce of her self control to remain calm. "You don't mean that. I don't know what happened today but don't let anyone take this away from us. I won't let you walk away from me." Only the sound of water hitting porcelain was heard for several tense moments until he nodded. They stood closely, Alexis offering comfort and Ryan accepting it. "Lex, why are you with me?"

The question obviously had something to do with what happened today which she wanted to ask about but she knew better than to ask any questions right now. "Because I love you."

"But why?" he asked in a small voice.

She pulled away only slightly and grabbed his face, her eyes searching his for any clue as to what happened today to make him feel so vulnerable and insecure. She pushed his hair off his forehead and waited for him to close his eyes to wipe the water droplets from his long lashes. "I love you because you're you and I know you want more but I can't give it to you because words can't even do you justice. Nothing I say could ever even remotely encompass who you are or why I love you. Just know that I do and nothing will ever change that."

A ghost of a smile flashed across his face. "Do I take advantage of you?"

"Never," she instantly replied. "I do things because I want to help you and you always thank me and help me when you can. I may be younger but I'm not naïve."

Feeling a little better he lowered his head and kissed her softly and chastely, not wanting to turn this into something else. He hated that he sounded so pathetic but one glance into her green eyes and he knew he was safe here. There was no judgment and he could speak without fear. "Am I too broken to fix?"

Her entire body tensed in anger, "Who said that to you?" The picture she had seen of him with a black eye jumped to the front of her mind and she felt her heart break when she realized that the shadow under his right eye was actually a bruise. Ryan was a grown man yet apparently he had been bullied today just like who knows how many times in his youth and she had a pretty good idea of exactly who had bullied him. She wanted to stomp out to the bedroom and grab her phone to give him a piece of her mind but she had to refrain because this wasn't her battle. If the two men in her life were ever going to be ok with each other they needed to fix this themselves.

He stayed quiet and she forced herself to stay calm and focus on who was in front of her. "You can't be fixed because you've not broken. You've gotten knocked down before but you always get back up and when you feel like you can't I'll be here to help you. I love you Kevin Ryan and in my eyes you are absolutely perfect in every possible way."

"I don't deserve you," he said hoarsely.

She pressed her lips to his and shook her head at his humility, "I could say the same."


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that last chapter was a little OOC but I couldn't resist a hot head Castle.

To say the next couple days at the precinct were tense was like saying the ocean was sort of deep. Ryan refused to acknowledge Castle and because of his relationship with Esposito his partner also refused to talk to the writer unless absolutely necessary. Beckett finally pulled Castle to the break room on the third day. "You need to fix this, I've tried to get Ryan to talk to you but he's more stubborn than you are. I am sick of all of this passive-aggressiveness and the looks and everything. Everyone said what needed to be said and I have to say I think you went overboard with Ryan. I get that you were upset and you had every right to be but you said some pretty mean things to Ryan according to Espo. The Jenny comment I heard was bad enough, that's not you Castle. You're better than that."

"I know," he groaned. "I wasn't thinking clearly and I'm not proud of what happened or what was said. I can't even get him to talk to me to even try to apologize and I'm still having a hard time with the idea of them."

She pointed towards Ryan's desk, "Well try harder to move past this because we can't work like this and even though you won't admit it I know this stress between you and Ryan is bothering you."

Castle nodded and watched Ryan stand from his chair and walk to the elevator, the doors opened and closing a moment later. He waited for a few minutes to collect his thoughts and try to figure out how to approach this before entering through the silver doors and heading down to ground level, the only place he figured he might be. Not seeing him anywhere in the lobby he headed outside and looked around, finally spotting him standing a ways down the sidewalk holding his son on his hip and smiling brightly at what Alexis was telling him.

Wanting to observe them he crept closer but stayed out of the way, the hustle and bustle in front of the precinct providing enough cover.

Ryan shifted his sons weight, he was really too big to be held very much anymore but he could never deny him anything he wanted and when he held up those little arms he had no choice but to lift him up. "And how high did you go on the swings?"

Devlin held his arms straight up, "This high!"

He couldn't help but laugh at his son's excitement, "Wow buddy, that's pretty darn high." He frowned a little and looked at Alexis, "He looks burnt."

She arched an eyebrow, "He has on so much sunscreen it's unbelievable, I'm assuming it's the Irish in him."

"Probably," he grinned. "Only time I tan is coming off a burn. So now what are you two up to?"

"Smoothies!" Devlin blurted. "Mommy is taking me to get a smoothie."

He kissed his son's cheek and set him down, "Well I shouldn't keep you." Turning his attention away from his son who was now holding Alexis's hand and standing closely to her he leaned down and kissed her tenderly, "Thanks for swinging by."

She ran her hand down his cheek and stared into his eyes which were particularly blue on this sunny day, "I'll see you when you get home tonight, I love you."

After one more kiss he took a step back, "I love you too."

They separated and Castle took a step back to remain hidden and waited until everyone was gone before he leaned against the exterior of the old building and mentally slapped himself. How could he be so blind? Watching them together he saw what Alexis and Ryan had tried to explain to him but he had been too angry to listen. They were in love; the small touches, the soft smiles, the looks they gave each other. This wasn't a casual thing; they were playing in the forever game. Devlin was even referring to his daughter as mommy. They were a family and he should be happy for that fact. Alexis had found someone who loved her more than life and as a bonus a child who adored her. He should be happy for his friend too, that he found someone who helped him return to the happy go lucky Ryan that was there when he first teamed up with them and loves his child as much as he does. The veil had been lifted and now all he had to do was mend the one bridge that he hoped he hadn't completely burned.

When he stepped back onto the homicide floor he approached Ryan's desk and sat down, watching him write things down as he spoke on the phone with someone, his clipped tone indicating the conversation wasn't providing much insight into their current case. When he hung up he simply stood and walked away without a glance at the writer.

Castle looked at Beckett who raised her eyebrows and with a sigh he jumped up and ran to the elevator barely making it in before the doors slid shut. Ryan glanced at him but stayed quiet until the elevator opened and Castle tried to follow him out.

"No. Go bother Beckett," he snapped.

Castle ignored him and stepped out of the elevator and saw they were alone in the basement, the place they kept old records. "We need to talk."

Ryan spun around and headed down an isle, "No we don't. We both said what we thought and that's it. Just leave it."

The other man followed him closely and finally grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, "Just listen please."

Ryan glared at the hand on his shoulder and crossed his arms, "What?"

"I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry. Alexis is my world and I don't always think clearly when it comes to her, obviously. A lot of the things I said were wrong and I had no right to bring up Jenny. In the time I've known you you've always done the right thing even when it upset everyone around you, you're not manipulative or a user. You're not broken or fixable or anything like that, you're just Ryan and if you make Alexis happy than I have no right to say anything. I should have trusted my daughter's and your judgment instead of jumping to conclusions and accusing people of things. I also apologize for hitting you."

As soon as he finished Ryan arched an eyebrow, "You done? Because I have work to do."

Castle wilted a little as the detective walked away, "How can I make this better? Money? Dedication in my next book?"

"Now you're just insulting me," he replied as he pulled out a box and brought it over to a table to go through it.

"The Ferrari and my house in the Hamptons for a weekend. You and Alexis can go and I'll watch Devlin."

That got his attention, maybe he was being sincere with his apology if he was giving him a go ahead to take his daughter away on a vacation. Castle was excellent at playing people and fibbing, hence him always winning at poker and Ryan took a moment to think about everything to make sure he wasn't being played. While he never liked to admit it he wasn't as quick as everyone else, hence Jerry Tyson getting the drop on him when he didn't follow Castle's train of thought. He seemed sincere and truly apologetic and even though the argument they had had been brutal he still knew Castle was a stand up guy. The younger of the two slowly turned and faced the other with narrowed eyes, "A week and Dev's with us half the time."

"Anything," he replied before holding out is hand, pleased that Ryan was bargaining with him like usual. "Let bygones by bygones?"

Ryan shook his offered hand, "Yeah and I'm sorry again for not talking to you about it, that should have been the first thing. This might have gone over a lot smoother if I had just manned up and spoken to you about it. You were right that it was disrespectful and I'll find a way to make it up to you. I get that I'm not what you wanted for Alexis..."

Castle stopped him, "Alexis is young and the fact you have Devlin made me nervous but then I realized this is Alexis we're talking about. She's more mature than all of us put together and the age thing is more to do with the fact that I know you. We work together and sometimes I forget how much younger you are than all of us, especially me. It's easy to just think of you as my friend from work but it's more difficult to see you for you. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah I get it. You always see Ryan the detective and not Kevin the person. You should hang out with Javi and I sometime away from the precinct and all the work stuff, maybe take in a game."

"That would be nice and as for making it up to me how about you let me try out one of my hair brained schemes on the next case and divert Beckett's attention away when she gets angry. Also you and Esposito have to go along with it regardless of how foolish you two may have to look or act."

"Apparently you've thought about this, fine. Deal." They both grinned and felt all the tension begin to evaporate. "You know, some of the stuff you said was true. Sometimes I think I'm a lost cause too but I'm working on fixing everything, trying to move past the shooting and what happened to Jenny. The last thing I would want to do is drag Alexis down, I know how special she is and I really do love her. I'd never hurt her and I hope you know that."

Castle sat on the edge of the table and nodded, "I do know that and I'm sorry I questioned your intentions so harshly, seems we both said and did things without thinking." Ryan agreed and continued digging through the box in front of him looking for a file. "Alexis never said anything to me about our blow out, did you not tell her?"

He paused and looked up from the box before shaking his head, "It was between you and I, there was no reason to get her involved. Last thing I would want is her feeling like she had to choose between us because we both know who she would choose and it sure wouldn't be me." The words were spoken honestly and without any detectable bitterness.

Castle felt warmth at the fact his daughter would choose him over anyone else and also respect for Ryan for acknowledging that fact and being ok with it. This was the Ryan he knew, not the deceitful and apparently cowardly one that appeared recently. "Now that we're speaking again I'm sure you've heard I'm having a party next week and I'd like if it you came. I'm sure Alexis would too."

He flipped the folder he was looking at closed and handed it to Castle before bringing the box back to where it belonged on the shelves. "I'll be there."

They walked to the elevator and rode back up to homicide, Castle grabbing him before he could exit. "Will you please tell Esposito we're good? He keeps glaring at me and it's getting really distracting."

He laughed and glanced at his partner who was watching them cautiously. "Yeah, I'll call him off."

Castle clapped Ryan on the shoulder and walked over to Beckett with a smirk. "Problem solved. I used my cunning linguistic skills to convince him to let it go."

"Right."

"And I may have offered him the Ferrari and my house in the Hamptons for a week but I'm pretty sure it was my words that did the trick," he pressed on after dropping into his chair by the lead detectives desk.

She grinned, "Of course. Well I'm glad you got things worked out with your daddy's boy."

"What?" he asked in confusion.

"You know the boys call us mom and dad, well Espo is my momma's boy and Ryan is your daddy's boy. Have you seriously not noticed how much he follows you around? He's read every one of your books at least twice."

When he thought about it it did seem true. Esposito was always on Kate's side while Ryan always came to his defense. "That's pretty good. 'Our boys'. Ha!"

"Just think Castle," she started as her grin turned mischievous. "If he and Alexis get married he really will be your daddy's boy."

He shook his head, "Don't even go there. I just started to feel ok about them dating, don't even talk marriage."

Esposito watched Castle through narrowed eyes when he headed to Beckett's desk and as soon as Ryan sat down in his chair he leaned forward to talk quietly. "Writer boy apologize?"

"Yeah, he wasn't wrong to be upset but he just said things really harshly. It is not fun to be on his bad side."

"I wish you'd just tell me what he said, it must have pretty bad."

Ryan shook his head, "Doesn't change anything and while I appreciate your concern I can fight my own battles. So my lead didn't pan out, you got anything?"

He shook his head and opened his mouth but was interrupted by borderline frantic movement by Beckett's desk as she hung up her phone. With a quick look to his partner they walked over and waited for her to inform them what was happening.

Beckett cast a weary look at Ryan before speaking to Esposito. "We just got a hit on our APB. Wayne was just spotted at a hotel a short drive from here. We're getting a TAC team organized then we'll go." When she looked at Ryan he knew this wasn't going to be what he wanted to hear. "Ryan you're staying here."

"What? No way," he argued. "I have every right to be there."

Esposito and Castle wisely stayed silent when Beckett shook her head. "We can't risk this Ryan, can't risk you. There's no way of knowing if you can be objective and keep your emotions in check when you see him. It's not safe for you or the team."

He was stunned; did she really think he was a danger to them and himself? "I have to go. He put two holes in me Beckett, I'm not going to just sit here like an invalid. Don't do this to me, don't take this away from me."

Knowing they needed to move she relented and nodded, grabbing Esposito before he could follow Ryan. "You stay with him and watch him. We are not going to lose him when we just got him back."

He didn't even have to be told but he nodded anyway before jogging after his partner. A half hour later Esposito released a hail of Spanish curses when he realized he had gotten separated from his partner, again. Beckett had given him one job, one single thing to do and he had messed it up. How did this keep happening, was Ryan just really quick and quiet or was he just completely oblivious to the people around him? Hoping the TAC team or someone else would find him he pressed on, praying this all worked out like it was supposed to.

Ryan halted when he heard a noise and felt a small stab of fear at the fact he was completely alone, where the hell was his partner? Knowing he needed to focus he stilled and tried to listen for the noise again, he only had a split second to react as someone charged him. Instinct took over when Wayne appeared heading full speed towards him and he slammed himself against the wall so he could run past. As soon as he was clear he took off after him, exiting out of the stairwell and into the parking lot behind the hotel.

Ryan tried to catch up but he had too much of a head start, there was only one way to stop him. He dug his heels into the concrete and took aim, his arms rising and head tilting to line up his shot through the scope on his AR. His finger was just about to pull the trigger when the devil on his shoulder began to whisper to him. Wayne was running; he had every excuse to stop him with a bullet but what if that bullet wasn't non-fatal? What if he shifted his attention away from his legs and put it on his back? One pull and the person that had tormented him in his dreams for months would cease to exist. He had a good reputation; no one would question the shot or the motive, he could essentially get away with murder. Except he wasn't that person, he wasn't like the rest of his family who were filled with rage and a temper that couldn't be tamed. Right?

Knowing it was now or never he adjusted his aim and pulled the trigger.

Esposito faltered when he heard the shot ring out. There was no way in hell that this happened again, that Ryan had been injured because of his negligence. It was his job to have his back and he had lost him. Again. With a head filled with the worst possibilities he began to sprint towards the noise.

He flew around the corner and frantically looked around, his heart hammering and breath ragged. Relief flooded over him when he saw his partner was standing but it quickly fled him when he saw Ryan walking towards his shooter with a look of malice unlike any other. He quickly made his way towards them and stopped a few feet away, "Ry put your gun down, you got him."

Ryan never moved, the barrel of his assault rifle pointing directly at Wayne's head while the man on the ground groaned in pain from the hole in his leg. The Irishman was shaking with adrenaline yet his aim remained steady, his fingers wrapped tightly around the trigger and the pistol grip. His eyes held so much hate and disdain, not even a hint of the usual warmth could be found.

Esposito looked behind him when he heard footsteps and held up his hands to make Beckett and Castle stop a safe distance away. This had just turned into a hostage negotiation and if there was one person who could talk Ryan off the edge it was his partner. "He's not worth it Ry, just put your gun away and let me cuff him. I know what he did to you and he'll pay for it but you can't be the one that serves that punishment. Come on bro."

Ryan still held Wayne's gaze and when he spoke he spoke to him and him alone. "Do you feel that Wayne, that overwhelming fear? That sense of helplessness, the feeling of someone else holding your life in their hands?" The man on the pavement could only nod and when Ryan shifted slightly he flinched. "You shot me without remorse and I'm having a real hard time not returning the favor."

At this moment Esposito's question from the day they went to the hockey game was answered. It wasn't a question that Ryan couldn't seriously harm someone, it was the fact he wouldn't. Ryan held the same temper and capacity for assault that his father, uncle, and grandfather did except unlike them he also held compassion. "You're better than your dad Ry."

That finally elicited a response from the Irishman and his fingers relaxed a fraction on his rifle, his face finally showing a hint of doubt. Minutes ticked by, Castle staring at Beckett waiting for direction, Beckett doing the same with Esposito. This was what she had been worried about. Death wasn't the only way to lose someone; she had seen many an officer make a wrong decision on the job, years of wear and tear finally coming to a head. If Ryan pulled that trigger his life was over and unlike death they wouldn't have closure, they'd have a friend rotting in prison until he finally died.

"It took me months to get back to somewhat normal and you couldn't care less." His grip tightened again and Wayne slammed his eyes shut in anticipation. "You're lucky I have things to lose," he quietly gritted out before flipping on the safety on his gun and stepping back. Esposito ran past him to cuff the bleeding man and Beckett called for a bus all while casting concerned looks at Ryan who had just walked away from the scene. Surprisingly it was Castle who went after him.

He found him leaning against the side of a building, hands over his face as he sucked in harsh breaths through his nose. Not wanting to startle someone already spooked he scuffed his shoes a little on his approach and quietly leaned against the wall next to him.

"I could have shot him and not even blinked Castle. What does that make me?"

"Human," he answered honestly. "He almost killed you Ryan, almost took you away from your son. No one blames you and the important thing is you didn't pull the trigger."

He dropped his hands and held himself back from punching the wall; a broken hand wouldn't help anything. "But I wanted to."

At times Ryan seemed so worldly and aged and other times he seemed so young and innocent. It was times like right now where it was a mix of the two that he had the hardest time figuring out what to say but sometimes winging it got the best results. "We all think things we aren't proud of sometimes; some people act on them like murderers and others ignore them, like police officers."

"You were right that I shouldn't be out here."

"No," he responded instantly. "I was wrong, you'd never put anyone in danger. It would have been strange if you hadn't reacted to Wayne in some way. We're human Ryan and it's our emotions that make us human. Whether you realize it or not you wouldn't ever pull that trigger and deep down we all knew that, that's why Esposito never tried to take you down and Beckett never pulled her gun on you."

He finally looked up and offered a tight smile, "Thanks Castle. I'm screwed if Beckett puts this in the report, I'll be out until they deem me safe for active duty."

A female voice caught their attention from a few feet away, "We protect our own Ryan and you've covered me more times than I can count. It was a lapse, it happens." Beckett walked to his other side and bumped his shoulder, "People think it takes a strong person to go for it but true strength is shown when someone can walk away. You did good."

The last member of their team walked over and nodded at the ambulance, "After a few stitches he'll be off the streets for good. Through and through in his calve, nice shot bro."

Castle and Beckett left them alone and the pair began making their way back to the Charger. Esposito could see Ryan was still struggling with what happened and even though he wanted to try to talk to him he knew he needed to speak to someone else about this. When the car stopped Ryan popped out of his daze and looked around, "I'm home. Why am I home? We have paperwork to do and my clothes are at the station."

Javier shook his head and squeezed his shoulder, "I got this one bro and your clothes will be there tomorrow, you go spend some time with Dev and Alexis."

"Thanks bro," he whispered as he climbed out and trudged up to his apartment, feeling out of place dressed head to toe in tactical gear minus his AR-15. It was only when he was staring at his door did he realize his keys were back at the precinct. Hoping someone was home he knocked and only a second later the door swung open and Alexis pulled him inside and gathered him into a hug.

He melted into her embrace and offered a small smile to his son who was wrapped around his leg. "My dad called," she whispered to him. "He didn't tell me what happened, just said you'd need me and Dev." Leave it to Castle to make it better, Ryan thought to himself. Even after everything that happened between them Castle was still watching out for him, it was humbling to say the least.

"We got him," he said thickly and when Alexis placed a questioning hand over his vest where his scars sat he nodded. He repeated it again, just to hear the words one more time that he had prayed he would get to say one day. "We got him."


	22. Chapter 22

Ryan walked into the precinct feeling better than he had in months. Wayne was caught and Castle knew about his and Alexis's relationship, his life had finally started to even out over the past week. With a quick glance around he saw that his partner and Beckett were no where to be seen and slowly walked to his desk and dropped into his chair. Not even noticing he picked up a pen and began to twirl it around aimlessly wondering where everyone was, even the Captain's office was locked and dark. With a heavy sigh he let his head fall back and pushed himself away from his desk so he could spin around in his chair. A thought popped into his head and he subtly glanced around and saw that the two other detectives who had been there had disappeared. With a grin he scooted out into the open and after settling his feet against the wall by interrogation he shoved himself off and flew across the old hardwood.

The elevator opened revealing Esposito, Beckett, and Castle who all stepped out and froze at the sight of Ryan flying across the room at high speed in his chair, laughing to himself. Castle instantly pulled out his phone and began to film while Esposito and Beckett watched their friend with small smiles. It went on for quite a while until Ryan finally noticed them and slammed his feet down, stopping his momentum and almost going airborne out of the chair. A deep blush crept up his neck and cheeks as he grasped his hands in his lap and tried to appear non-chalant despite being in the middle of the walkway in his chair. "Hey guys, where you been?"

Castle slipped his phone into his pocket and stepped forward holding up a styrofoam cup, "Slow morning, we went for coffee."

Esposito walked over to his partner and with twinkling eyes grabbed his chair and shoved him towards the other side of the room where Castle caught him and shoved him back while spinning him. Beckett stood back and shook her head at all her boys laughing and having fun, it had been too long since they had all felt this light. The elevator dinged again and she barely caught sight of the Captain before coughing loudly. Castle instantly dropped into his seat by her desk and Esposito grabbed Ryan and pushed him to his desk before dropping into his own chair.

Esposito couldn't keep the grin off his face at how happy Ryan looked, like everything that had been weighing him down was just gone. There were still shadows in his eyes if you looked closely enough but only time would help those fade. "You're going to Castle's party tonight right bro?" he asked as Ryan took a sip of the coffee he had brought him.

"Yeah I'm looking forward to it, Lex and I can finally hang out together with everyone."

The team was finally back to where they used to be, where they should be and the party that Castle was throwing seemed to be a celebration of that, even if to everyone else it was a launch for his newest book.

Castle swung open his door and smiled at the sight of Ryan in a very nice tailored English cut suit, a welcome change from the American suits he sometimes wore to work. The young detective's dress sense was an enigma and Castle had no idea how someone could wear such horrible outfits one day and show up in a suit that looked like it came out of a magazine the next. "You're early."

"Hi to you too and I know. I just dropped Dev off a few blocks away and didn't want to drive all the way back to my place."

A random thought popped into the writer's mind, "What do you drive?"

"What do you picture me driving?" he asked curiously, preparing for the sure to be amusing answer. The taller man didn't disappoint.

"A Prius. Powder blue with a sunroof. I picture you holding a small dog named Eduardo and talking into a bluetooth wearing a pink polo shirt with the collar popped. Esposito would be next to you dressed the exact same but in a purple polo and a wearing gold chain and you'd both be listening to Abba."

"You are not funny," he said while fighting a laugh. "Not only would I never name a dog Eduardo but my collar popping days are long past. I drive a white 2010 Mazdaspeed3. Dev picked it out because he liked that it looked like it was smiling. He informed me that the other cars looked sad and that only sad people drive sad cars."

Castle couldn't help but grin at how cute that child was and wondered when he would get to babysit again. "I'll have to remember that when I buy another car. Well I have a couple of things to attend to in my office but mother is in the kitchen."

Ryan nodded politely and walked to the kitchen where Martha greeted him with her usual dramatic flare, arms waving around with a sloshing martini in one hand. "Oh Detective Ryan how wonderful to see you! You look marvelous darling."

He couldn't help but smile, "Thank you, and may I say you look just as beautiful as ever."

"Charmer," she said as she sipped her drink. "Though I am quite entertaining I have a feeling I'm not quite the woman you'd like to see. Alexis is upstairs, if you go now Rick won't notice. Love is such a wonderful thing!"

"Thanks Martha," he grinned before heading up the stairs and knocking on Alexis's door. When it swung open he smiled at her surprised look.

She opened the door all the way for him to enter and looked him up and down as she shut the door. "Very nice," she murmured as she stepped closer and grabbed his tie. "Every time I see you so put together I just want to make you come undone," she groaned into his ear. She pulled back and met his wide eyes before laughing at his shocked expression and stepping away.

At her giggles he deflated and shook his head, his face showing mild irritation. "It's not nice to tease." He saw that her hair and makeup were done but she was dressed in shorts and a tank top. "You better change soon."

She walked to her closet still smiling and disappeared inside before reemerging with her gown on. "Zip me up."

He obediently walked over and zipped up the gown and waited while she strapped on her high heels and put on her jewelry. When she finished he wrapped his arms around her slim waist and met her eyes in the mirror, "How'd I get so lucky?"

She leaned back into him and let her eyes drift shut, "I could ask the same thing."

They stood together enjoying the solitude but more and more voices could be heard from downstairs and Alexis reluctantly pulled away, "We should get down there."

"Yeah."

He was almost to the door when he was spun around and held tightly, Alexis staring at him with a grin so wicked it made his heart skip a beat. "Are you serious? Your dad is downstairs! He'll kill me." His protests died on his lips when she tugged him forward and both stumbled to the bed. It was fast and dirty, completely different than they were used to and to know that Alexis still had tricks up her sleeve made him love her that much more. He had a strong feeling that she would keep him on his toes for many years to come.

"Well, should we go downstairs now?" she asked evenly, looking entirely too smug for someone that just fooled around with her boyfriend while her father was only half an apartment away.

He nodded dumbly and followed her down the stairs only to he pulled away by a strong hand. "I swear bro, are you trying to get Castle to kill you?"

"What, why?" he asked his partner who just shook his head and unbuttoned his crooked coat and buttoned it correctly.

"You look wrecked, go get a drink or something so you can at least blame it on the alcohol." With a small blush he followed his partner across the room far away from Castle.

Alexis glanced around and frowned when she saw she had lost her companion. She walked into the crowd and looked around trying to find him, finally noticing him leaning against the bar talking to Esposito. She made her way over and since they were obviously engaged in conversation she just stood next to him and smiled when his arm snaked around her waist and pulled her flush against him.

She tuned out their conversation, which was about Madden of all things, and glanced around at the other guests. It was always the same people and she hated how boring they all were, she smirked at the sight of Lanie saying something to make her dad laugh. At least her dad had his friends from the 12th to amuse him.

"You want something to drink?" Kevin asked.

She nodded and looked at his glass, "What're you drinking?"

"Whiskey."

She fake gagged, "More like gasoline. I want something sweet." She let go of him and moved closer to the bar before getting a drink and disappearing back into the crowd. A small sigh escaped her as she looked around at everyone, they were all preoccupied with other people and here she was with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Two arms circled her waist and she shivered as warm breath tickled her skin.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?"

She turned around and grinned, "A few times but feel free to tell me again."

Ryan kissed her softly and smiled at her gorgeous light green eyes, which stood out against her pale skin. "Well you are simply stunning. Would you care to dance?"

"I thought you'd never ask," she replied with a giggle.

Beckett and Lanie stood off to the side and watched the two dance and talk softly to each other, relaxed smiles on both their faces.

"Aren't they adorable? I was beginning to think Kevin might never move on," Lanie said quietly to her best friend.

Kate nodded, "Look how he looks at her, I don't think I've ever had someone look at me like that."

Lanie glanced at Castle before looking back at her, "Right…" The two descended into silence until Lanie spoke again, "This must be the alcohol talking and if you repeat a word of this I'll hurt you but I almost slept with Kevin a few months back."

Beckett laughed in disbelief, "What? When was this?"

"Javi and I were taking a break and Kevin took me out to cheer me up. He's just so sweet and he looks at you with those puppy dog eyes and…" She shook her head, "I tried to kiss him but he stopped me, said our friendship was too important to him and that Javi loved me. I was all ready to go and he didn't even let me out of the starting gate."

Kate smiled warmly, "He's a really good person, I hope Alexis doesn't break his heart because I don't know if he could take it. He doesn't act like it but I know he's fragile, I mean who wouldn't be after losing their spouse?"

Lanie grinned, "I don't think we have anything to worry about, I'm pretty sure Alexis is just as deep in as Ryan is."

"Ladies, what might we be discussing in hushed tones over here?" Castle asked when he approached.

Beckett nodded her head at the dance floor and Castle turned and to both women's surprise smiled genuinely, "They look good together, don't they?"

Both women looked shocked at his calm statement. "Yes they do," Lanie replied with a shrug at her friend.

"Tell me a secret," Alexis said softly as they moved back and forth, her fingers playing with the short hairs on the back of his head.

"Other than the very first time I always made sure my ties were crooked so you'd fix them," he confessed. "Any excuse to be near you." She lifted her head and couldn't help but smile at his bashful expression. "Now that I told you I'll have to come up with something else."

"You don't need an excuse anymore," she whispered.

They continued to dance, slowly and closely in their own little world. "Castle and I were uh... talking the other day and vacations and his house in the Hamptons came up. If you want to I was thinking we could go; you and Dev and I."

She knew that it wasn't as smooth as he made it sound but it wasn't her concern. "I think that would be great. How long can we be gone?"

"A week, thankfully they didn't take my vacation time away when I missed the last three months. I was thinking next month sometime," he continued.

"Anytime is perfect."

They kept dancing in silence until Ryan spoke again, much more nervous than before. "I've been wanting to ask you something and while this probably isn't the best time I just need to get it out."

He was nervous, and she smiled widely in anticipation. "Yes?"

"I'd like you to… well. I uh, I'd like you to move in with me. I mean you're there all the time anyway," he continued looking flustered. "I know we haven't really been together that long but…"

She cut him off with a kiss. "Yes. A thousand times yes."

"Really?" he asked sounding both surprised and excited. "I… wow."

"Wait, is Devlin all right with this?" she asked concerned.

He nodded, "I already asked him, he was pretty excited."

They continued to talk excitedly until a tap on Alexis's shoulder made them pull apart. "Mind if I cut in," Lanie asked. Alexis stepped away with a smile leaving Ryan and the medical examiner.

Lanie glanced at Alexis before meeting Kevin's eyes, "Now what were you two whispering about because that is a very happy girl."

He looked uncomfortable and since he knew he couldn't lie to her he stayed quiet which caused her to raise an eyebrow, "Don't make me ask again."

"I asked Lex to move in with me," he answered with a wince, waiting for the inevitable reaction. When nothing happened confusion engulfed him. "No comment?"

She smiled mischievously, "Moving awfully fast don't you think?" The smile suddenly dropped from her face, "You didn't get that girl pregnant did you?"

"What? No!" he said with a nervous glance at everyone around them. "Don't even say that, I'm pretty sure Castle would just kill me where I stand. No, it's nothing like that."

Lanie's eyes narrowed but she knew Ryan was a terrible liar so she could only assume he was telling the truth. "Well I wish you the best sugar."

Alexis watched Lanie dance with Ryan and based of his flaming cheeks and jittery movements it was quite a conversation. She rolled her eyes when a young man approached her that had been trying to get her attention all night. "I'm Alex."

Alexis smiled tightly, trying to be polite but just wanting to relax and not be bothered. "Nice to meet you, I'm Alexis."

"Alex and Alexis, we were made for each other," he grinned.

She could only stare with mouth slightly agape at the horrible pick up line. "Not quite, I'm with someone."

The boy shrugged, "So? You're not married. Have some fun, he doesn't have to know."

Deciding to have some fun she leaned forward and glanced around before whispering, "I forgot to mention he's a homicide detective and if anyone could get away with murder it would be him." She glanced around one more time before a smile spilt across her lips, "Oh, and one more thing. He's right behind you."

Alex jumped up and spun around to see Ryan staring at him with a small smile, which would have appeared amused if not for the coldness and hard glint in his steely blue eyes. "Am I interrupting?"

With a glare the boy left and Ryan dropped down into the chair next to Alexis and smiled goofily, his eyes unfocused. She shook her head, "I see all the alcohol is kicking in and thanks for the save."

"Yes it is and you're welcome."

Hours later only the small team from the 12th remained along with Alexis. Everyone was sitting and laughing when Esposito noticed Ryan staring into space and bobbing his head to the music still playing, Castle had changed it to much more upbeat once everyone had left.

"Hey Ry, how drunk are you?" he shouted and everyone laughed when Ryan jumped up and faced him with a crooked grin. The jacket had been lost long ago and his tie hang loosely from the collar of his shirt, to top off his inebriated look he had a red tint to his cheeks.

He pointed to him and clicked his tongue before speaking with a slight Irish lilt, "Drunk enough to do whatever you ask."

Esposito grinned and walked over to change the music, "I haven't seen it in a while but I know you still dance." Music began to come through the speakers and Esposito looked at his partner. "Dance."

"What am I, your monkey?" he asked with a glare, or what would have been a glare if he could stop smiling.

Lanie pouted, "Come on sugar, for me."

"Ahh, anything for you Lanie," he said with a cute head tilt that made Beckett snigger.

A stunned silence filled the room when Ryan began to dance, amazement at how well he did it stealing their words. When Castle suddenly laughed everyone else joined him and soon everyone was laughing so hard tears were rolling down their faces.

When the song ended Beckett clapped, "You dance better after a night of drinking than I do straight."

"Come on boss," he smirked. "Dance with me." The next half hour consisted of Ryan trying to teach a giggling Beckett how to dance much to everyone's amusement.

Ryan finally sat down next to Castle and swallowed the last of more drinks than anyone could count and hiccuped before speaking in a full Irish accent, "Great party boyo."

Castle's jaw dropped as Esposito began to laugh. "You get him drunk enough and he can't hide that Irish anymore, hell of an accent," he supplied. "Madden nights usually turned into Irish and Spanish cussing matches. You heard it Alexis?"

She nodded, "Not this bad though, I think it was the last glass that did it."

Castle looked back at Ryan, "So that day when I was asking you to say boyo you totally knew what I meant? How am I just now figuring this out?"

Ryan flashed him a cheeky smile and winked, "Aye, not as sharp as ya thought are ya?" When Castle just sat their still shocked he pointed to him, "Oy, Beckett! Take a picture, he's speechless!"

Beckett, who was also pretty inebriated and sitting down next to Lanie giggled. Castle smiled and looked at Lanie and Esposito who were shaking their heads with fond smiles at Ryan who was staring at Castle with an expression that indicated he was seeing much more than just one of the writer.

"You alright to get home?"

Ryan stared at him blankly for several seconds until finally asking, "Could ya repeat the question?"

Alexis stood from the couch and walked to Ryan with a large smile and pulled him upright, "He'll be fine, I'm going with him. Love you dad."

Castle stood and kissed her cheek and watched her half walk, half drag Ryan out and tried to ignore the giggles heard from the hallway once the door closed.

"You sure seem to be taking this well," Lanie commented slyly.

"I wasn't excited about it at first."

"Understatement," Beckett commented under her breath and grinned at Esposito's chuckle.

Castle mock glared at them, "I like to consider Ryan my friend and the more I thought about it the more I realized; If I trust him with my life, I can trust him with my daughter."

Esposito started to smile and Lanie arched an eyebrow, "Something to share?"

"You guys don't realize it but tonight on the dance floor with Alexis is the first time Ryan's danced since Jenny died."

Ryan groaned as Alexis slammed him against the wall and attacked his mouth, her hand wrapped around his tie controlling his every move. Everything was happening so fast and his vision was so blurry that he could only react and hold on for the ride. He felt himself being pulled by his tie and stumbled after the redhead into the bedroom where she shoved him onto the bed and promptly climbed on top of him.

"I love a man with an accent," she moaned into his ear as she made quick work of his tie and belt.

Ryan let out a drunken giggle as she wrestled him out of his pants and began to full out laugh when she finally huffed and pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear. "You could help you know."

"It's a lot more fun to just watch ya."

She stepped away and grinned when he propped himself up on his elbows to see her better, wearing only his dress shirt and boxers with his hair sticking out wildly in every direction he looked completely tanked. Taking her time with every motion, knowing he hated to be teased but finding it was always fun she slowly slipped out of her dress and watched his eyes widen and his smirk grow. When the material slinked against the floor she crossed her arms, "Is it really more fun to just watch?"

He shook his head and sat up before grabbing her and pulling her onto his bed. Her bed.

Theirs.

As the morning light filtered in through the blinds Ryan stretched and yawned before looking over and smiling at Alexis who was still sleeping. He quickly showered and dressed in jeans, dress shirt and tie before writing a quick note reminding her to pick up Dev and placed it on the nightstand. He dropped a light kiss to her forehead before exiting the apartment and heading to work.

When he arrived he walked straight to the break room for a cup of coffee and sat down at his desk to read the morning news. About a half hour later Esposito and Beckett appeared looking a little rough.

Esposito dropped into his chair with a groan and Ryan fetched him a cup of coffee before he could even ask. After he downed half the cup he looked at his partner and shook his head, "How are you not hung over? You were more drunk than all of us combined."

Ryan smirked, "Please, I was born with whiskey in my blood."

They both watched as Beckett sat at her desk massaging her temples until Ryan spun in his chair, "A little birdie told me you went home with Lanie last night."

"What? How did you know?"

"I didn't, you just told me." He laughed at his friend's expression; "It's a good thing though right?"

The other man nodded, "Yeah, we're back together. So what about you, did you have a good night?"

Ryan blushed and spun around in his chair but found himself being spun back around and held firmly in place. "I'm your friend. Details." The two men just stared at each other in a battle of wills until Ryan couldn't help it any longer and an ear to ear grin appeared on his face.

"Two words. Holy crap." Both men laughed as Ryan shook his head. "I could barely keep up."

Esposito leaned forward and grabbed the collar of his shirt and tugged it down revealing a bite mark and a bruise, "You better make sure Castle doesn't see that."

Ryan shoved him away and fixed his shirt, "Don't talk about it and he won't know about it."

"Know about what?" Castle asked from across Ryan's desk.

Both men looked up before Esposito excused himself and Ryan flipped open a random file on his desk, "Nothing. Just a… case. So that was fun last night."

Castle's eyes narrowed but he allowed the diversion, "Yeah you definitely enjoyed yourself boyo. How's Alexis today?"

It was still slightly awkward to discuss her but Ryan pushed it aside, "Fine I think, she was asleep when I left."

Castle's phone began to ring and he pulled it out with a smile, "Speak of the devil." After flipping it open he greeted her happily, "Hi honey." He walked towards the stairs and Ryan sighed in relief until he heard Castle ask, "He asked you to what? And you said what?"

With slow movements he stood and slid his chair under his desk before trying to casually walk to the elevator. He pressed the button and glanced over at Castle who was glaring at him and hanging up the phone. Desperation blanketed him and he hurriedly pushed the button over and over until finally sprinting away from the fuming writer.

"Ryan!"


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is: the epilogue, the last chapter. I could have kept going but I didn't want it to begin to lag so I decided to end it when I had always intended to. It always makes me sad when I wrap up a story, it's difficult to go from thinking about it all the time to just nothing. I've decided to write a companion piece, a collection of random one-shots in varying lengths that highlight snippets of their lives throughout Learning To Live Again and afterwards with ideas from my head. It is titled Lá Sa Saol and is up now!

Everyone sat around the murder board, Castle and Ryan spinning theories while Beckett waited for Esposito to finish the call he had just received.

"It has to be aliens, there's no other logical explanation."

Beckett shook her head in disbelief at Castle and Ryan who were both staring at her with the exact same expression, expectant and faintly amused. "Really guys? That's the logical explanation?"

Ryan whipped his head around and stared at Castle waiting for his rebuttal, which was cut off by his partner who had finally gotten off his cell.

Esposito hung up his phone and slid it into his pocket, "A neighbor saw Tyler leaving with a backpack this morning. From the looks of his place, he left in a hurry."

"Any idea where he was going?" Beckett asked just as Ryan's phone began to ring.

"Yeah, away. He also charged a bus ticket at Port Authority this morning," he continued as his partner walked away from the group.

"When did it leave?" Castle asked.

He shook his head, "Unfortunately about three hours ago so he's got a big head start. Uniforms are tracking it down right now."

Ryan chose that moment to reappear and judging by the excited grin on his face he had something good to share.

"Tell me you have good news," Beckett pleaded, still standing in front of the murder board with a red marker in her hand as she wrote down the information Esposito had given her.

He looked like he wasn't sure if he was pleased or anxious as he bit his bottom lip and nodded. "Definitely good. That was Lex, it's time."

Castle's jaw dropped as Beckett jumped into action. "I'll tell Captain we're leaving, Espo clean up here and get Lanie. Ryan go ahead and we'll meet you there after we pick up Martha." He nodded and was just about to turn to grab his keys and jacket from his desk but paused as he took in Castle's frozen expression.

"Uh… Castle. You good?"

Beckett smirked, "You broke him Ryan. I'll get him going, you just go get Alexis and Devlin."

He grinned nervously and nodded before jogging to his desk and running to the stairs.

Alexis and Ryan had been together for two years when he finally popped the question, in bright refrigerator magnets no less. It was romantic and quirky and so him that she had of course said yes, it got even better when Devlin handed her the ring they had both picked out. Apparently Ryan's had amazing taste in jewelry.

The wedding, which came only a few months later, had been small and simple. Only the team from the 12th, a few of Alexis's friends and surprisingly enough some of Ryan's family. It had been held at Castle's house in the Hampton's, Castle in the front row crying more than anyone else, Beckett holding his hand and fighting a grin. It had been intimate and enjoyable and when Alexis informed everyone she was twelve weeks pregnant afterwards Castle had stared at the pair, half in tears and half like he wanted to throttle Ryan.

Ryan had been upset at first when Alexis had told him she had contacted his family, it had caused a rough week for both and Castle had even wondered aloud if the wedding would even still happen. Eventually Ryan came to his senses and realized reconnecting with his family never would have happened without her help. He had finally called his mother and father himself and even though the conversation was tense it had lifted a weight from Ryan that he had been carrying for years. The phone calls had started to happen a little more often and when he called Ava the conversation that started in a screaming match had ended with him laughing so hard he cried. He had finally driven himself and Alexis to his parents house for the weekend to try to get to know them again, leaving Dev with Castle because he didn't want his son witnessing something that could be volatile. Ava and her mother and father had shown up for the wedding, all slightly uncomfortable with not knowing anyone but Castle had diffused any tension with his usual self.

Speaking of rebuilt a heavily pregnant Alexis had insisted on a new apartment so Devlin wouldn't have to share his room, something that pleased Dev but made Ryan a nervous wreck. Only by sheer luck did he find a place they could afford close to his old apartment so Devlin wouldn't have to switch schools. They had only moved in a mere month ago after finally finishing renovations but thanks to Castle and Javier the move had gone smoothly and quickly and Beckett and Lanie had taken over getting the nursery ready.

Alexis's income had truly come in handy once they found out she was pregnant, her job with the New York Times allowing her to continue working even when she was stuck at home. After moving in together Ryan had insisted she pursue her dream of being a journalist and because of who her father was she was able to secure an internship at the prestigious newspaper. It had of course bothered her at first that the opportunity had been presented to her because of her last name but Castle had informed her that it was up to her and her alone to keep the job and progress, that she had the same chance to succeed or fail as everyone else. She didn't stay an intern long as writing seemed to be a hereditary trait in the family and after only a few months was employed full-time.

"What's taking so long?" Castle asked nervously from the waiting room at the hospital. "I don't remember it taking this long with Alexis."

Beckett smiled at her boyfriend of eleven months and ran her fingers up and down his arm trying to alleviate some tension, "Relax Castle, everything's fine. This is one thing you can't rush."

Lanie smiled at Beckett before grabbing Javier's bouncing leg, "Be still, you're starting to make me nervous."

It was Martha who noticed Ryan first and stood excitedly as he entered, Devlin standing next to her with wide eyes. "So?"

Ryan looked exhausted yet elated, a smile on his lips that lit up his entire face. "She's here."

"She?" Beckett asked excitedly and hugged Castle close as he breathed out a sigh of relief at the fact his daughter and now granddaughter was fine.

Lanie jumped up and hugged him tightly, Esposito repeating the action when she stepped back. "Congrats bro, what's her name?"

Ryan looked at his son and nodded, "You can finally tell them Dev."

Devlin had helped them pick names for both a boy and a girl since Alexis had wanted to be surprised. It had driven Ryan crazy not knowing, Devlin too but what mommy wanted mommy got. "Erin Marie Ryan."

"How's Alexis?" Castle asked anxiously after congratulating Ryan. Their relationship had had some bumps but they had finally reached a mutual respect for the other and their friendship was stronger than it had ever been before. It would never be possible for Castle to think of Ryan as his son, that would have just been weird for both. Instead it felt more like a really good friend that just happened to be there for everything.

"Tired but great. I have to get back to her but I'll come get you guys as soon as I can."

Everyone watched him leave and Martha hugged her son, "How's it feel to be a grandpa kiddo?"

"Amazing," he said quietly, still in awe. "But I was already a grandpa huh Dev?" The almost eight year old giggled and nodded as Castle picked him up and squeezed him. The writer had always had a soft spot for the blue eyed child but ever since Alexis moved in with Ryan and shown how serious they were about each other he had fallen in love with the boy. The first time Devlin had called him grandpa he had to fight off tears, much to Kate's amusement.

A short while later everyone filtered into the hospital room to officially meet the newest addition to their unconventional family. Martha had immediately checked on Alexis while Dev clung to his Uncle Javi and Castle, Beckett, and Lanie fawned over the tiny baby.

"You want to see your sister buddy?" Ryan asked his nervous son. Devlin quickly shook his head but couldn't help his frequent curious glances at the baby.

It had been a little bumpy in the Ryan household when Alexis and Ryan had informed Devlin he was going to be a big brother. He had been excited at first, not wanting to wait months to meet his new brother or sister but eventually he came to realize that a new baby meant things were going to change. He wasn't going to be the only child anymore and he would not only have to share all his toys but his parents too. It had taken a great deal of reassurance from not only Ryan and Alexis but also Castle to help him realize he wasn't being replaced.

Ryan stepped out into the hallway and scrolled through his contacts before pressing send and waiting for someone to pick up. "Is the baby here?"

He let out a huff of laughter, "Yeah ma, she's here."

"Oh honey! I wish we could have come down but we'll be there in a few days. What's her name?"

"Erin Marie Ryan. She's perfect."

Shuffling could be heard on the other end followed by his father's deep voice. "Of course she is she's a Ryan. How's Alexis?"

"Great. Everyone's good da."

"Tá mé bródúil as tú a mhac. Tá tú teacht go dtí seo agus is breá linn i bhfad tú amhlaidh," his dad said quietly.

Words he wasn't sure he'd ever hear made him bite his lip to keep from reacting. "Go raibh maith agat daidí. Is breá liom tú ró."

Shuffling again followed by his mother's voice. "You get back to your wife and kids honey, we'll see you soon."

"Alright, bye ma." He hung up and stared at his phone before slipping it into his pocket with a small shake to his head. He hadn't spoken to them for ten years before Alexis contacted them and now it was like they had never stopped talking. Calls came frequently and visits came often, he had his family back. Speaking of family his other one was waiting for him.

After re-entering Ryan sat on the edge of the bed with his son next to his wife, smiles on all their faces as Castle gently cradled the small bundle. "Hello Erin, it's so nice to finally meet you."

Beckett looked at Alexis, "She has your eyes." It was true; she had light green eyes that sat perfectly in a delicate face. All her features seemed to come from her mother, everything except the dark tuft of hair on top of her head, which definitely came from Ryan.

Lanie looked at her boyfriend, steady for a year and a half now, and smiled. Javier just shook his head and stepped back; in turn earning him a glare from the woman he loved. He wanted kids one day but today was not that day. "Come on Javi."

Ryan mimicked her words and laughed when his partner glared at him. It began to darken outside and everyone slowly took their leave until it was just Ryan, Alexis, and Erin. Devlin and Castle had stayed the latest, only leaving when Dev began to nod off.

The new parents sat quietly just staring at the small life wrapped in a soft pink blanket held close to Alexis. "I can't believe she's here," Ryan whispered.

"I know," Alexis agreed. "She's so tiny, I feel scared something's going to happen to her."

He turned and kissed his wife, "Nothing's going to happen. I felt the same way with Dev. Why don't you just try to relax and I'll watch her."

She nodded tiredly and carefully handed Ryan's daughter to him before leaning back in the bed and letting her eyes slide shut.

"Thank you."

It was said so quietly she wasn't sure if he even spoke but his earnest eyes were trained on her. "For what?"

"For helping me learn to live again."


End file.
